Father of All... by Green Day - ALBUM REVIEW

 

My. God.

You know, this was once upon a time my favourite band of all time. American Idiot was the first album I ever purchased and loved from beginning to end. And yet... here we are. Father of All... Motbarfingunicornuckers. Truly, a return to Green Day's glory days when they were but a couple of snot-nosed punk kids. Few things wrong with this:

First off, the operative word is "kids" You are not kids anymore, Green Day. You are very old men, by music standards. Pushing 50 at this rate. So slathering your album promotion with inflammatory comments toward "Swedish songwriters" and "trap beats" doesn't make you edgy. It just reinforces your age in the industry. Not that you would sound cool saying these things at any age, but the pushing-50 reality of your slowly graying haircuts really accentuates how out-of-touch this album and its promotion are.

Second, if you were looking to re-capture the punk, not-giving-a-fuck aesthetic with this album, you utterly cratered with the actual music, which is so painfully uncool it makes Weezer look twenty years younger. Only you guys were clamoring for a Gary Glitter resurgence, that's all I have to say about "Oh Yeah!", a song which means nothing and actively hurts to listen to. It feels like none of these songs actually had an idea behind them beyond "hey, wouldn't it be funny if the title was this?" How else can you explain inanities like "Fire, Ready, Aim" (wait a minute! THAT'S not the correct order!) or "Take the Money and Crawl" (wait! it's supposed to be RUN!) or "I Was a Teenage Teenager" (wait!... what?)

This album is so far beyond worth anyone's time it's actually embarrassing. There's maybe one song on here that is actually halfway to worth listening to, but there is no reason to listen to the whole thing unless you decided to publish some misguided review on the catastrophe. I guess I really felt compelled to do this one just to provide the eulogy for a deceased band, by all accounts. So let me say that for the record, once upon a time, this band was very very good. Now, they are very very bad. And no amount of PURE UNCUT ROCK can disguise that.

3/10

"Best" Tracks: "Sugar Youth" is comparatively good in that it sounds like a C-tier track off of 21st Century Breakdown. Just... just don't waste your time with this one. It is old and sad and pathetic.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: September 12, 2020

 I think this is the first time I officially have to eat crow to start things off, so I will. BTS' "Dynamite" exceeded my expectations and spent another week at #1 this week! Admittedly, predicting it to fall out of the Top 10 entirely was a bit of an overreaction, but given their track record, can you blame me that much? Well, I suppose you can. Nevertheless! Here's what else is going on:

Not much! The only thing that really happened was that "Mood", as I predicted (as though I have the right to feel smug), landed in the Top 10 this week, pushing out that dreadful "Roses" remix which I think we'd all be better off forgetting about.

Predictions:

BTS may have held on a second week, but I think a third week at #1 is unlikely. I think this is the first BTS track to have actual staying power, though, so it should stay in the Top 10. I'm not gonna make that mistake twice! I expect "Mood" to rise and "WAP" to re-take #1.

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers - ALBUM REVIEW

 

This isn't typically my style of music, but a friend put in the request so I figured why not? I was pleasantly surprised by how much this album moved me. I think one of its strengths is its surprising bombast; the album comes alive at certain moments that really compliment the weight of the songwriting. Again, as with folklore, such detail packed into these songs' lyrics, with a little more bite in the references and the production.

I'd actually not listened to Phoebe Bridgers before this review, but this album is a solid reminder to always keep up with new and upcoming talent, because you never know what might break through. We live in a world where Top 10 hits on Billboard are designed more than ever by the listener, and with great power comes... well, you know. Point is, branch out and listen to something new, like this. You might just be surprised at how stunning the gems you find are.

9/10

Best Tracks: "Kyoto", "Punisher", "Halloween", "Savior Complex", "ICU", "I Know the End"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: September 5, 2020

 BTS has their first #1 hit! ...yay?

Well, we know the chart history of BTS at this point, and while it's an accomplishment for them to stick the landing finally, I really don't see this lasting long, just like all of their other songs. Maybe someday, but not today. Beyond that, everything mostly gets pushed down a spot or stays stable, with "Before You Go" being the only entry to re-enter the Top 10, pushing down "7 Summers" which absolutely cratered and "I Hope" which still lingers in the top 20.

Predictions:

BTS song is going to be out of the Top 10 next week, that's just the circle of life at this point. Beyond that, "Mood" is getting huge boosts right now and could crack the Top 10 next week. Look out for that new BLACKPINK and Selena Gomez song, too. Surely THIS will be the k-pop song with longevity!

folklore by Taylor Swift - ALBUM REVIEW

 

I always felt like the Taylor Swift story would end up here eventually. Here we are, eighth album in, and Taylor Swift has finally decided she doesn't need chart success anymore. And as a result, she delivers one of her best albums to date, which goes #1 anyway. Streaming really has taken over, and if albums like these get commercial recognition as a result, I'm all for it.

Folklore finally showcases a grown-up Taylor Swift, one that is able to carry the weight of crushing emotion for an entire album. This is an album of experience, one that takes all the baggage that came with Taylor Swift's success and presents a mature, yet world-weary, outlook on who she has become. That's evident through the musical style alone, where she ditches the glitz and glamour of her most recent albums, sheds the innocent face of her earlier work, and cuts right through the facade to deliver a well-written, emotionally raw indie folk record. I certainly have favourites on this album, but I won't deny that every song on here sounds gorgeous. Listening to this album puts me in a serene mood, walking through a forest, or a quiet night on a usually busy downtown street. Such an amazing comedown from her previous few albums, especially the last one.

If this is the Taylor Swift we get from now on, one that isn't trying to chase dated trends or capitalize on a garish media-painted image, I'm all for it. This album is masterful.

9/10

Best Tracks: "the last great american dynasty", "august", "this is me trying", "illicit affairs", "mad woman", "betty"

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? by Billie Eilish - ALBUM REVIEW

 

Billie Eilish really comes into her own with this album, fully tapping into that weird and wonderful personality she exudes in her music. You only need look at the cover of this album to understand what you're getting into. Is it a perfect experience? Well... almost. (We'll get to it.) But I feel confident in saying that if you like your pop music a little weird, but also sincere, you can't go wrong listening to this album.

What I find most remarkable about this album is how cohesive it is despite half the songs containing some kind of joke or ironic self-awareness about them, while the other half could be described as ballads. It's two extremes in one album, and yet it all comes together because Billie Eilish (and her brother) are masters at lyricism. Every song tells such a captivating story with the most minute details exaggerated to convey just the right level of terror or heartbreak. It's what turns a song like "i love you" from being a simple ballad to being a masterclass in writing and performance.

Speaking of performance, Billie deserves a lot of credit for breathing these songs to life. All the great lyrics in the world are fine, but it's just written poetry if you don't have an appropriate medium to deliver them. Thankfully, Billie's eccentric vocal delivery combined with Finneas' wonky production give these songs exactly the stage that they need. Almost all of them work near-perfectly, minus... one.

"8" is the black sheep of this album. I guess it's not terrible, but the one decision they made to manipulate Billie's vocals to sound like a little kid is a bit too jarring, even for this album. The album is filled with decidedly unpleasant noises like overproduced buzzing, but they seem to work in the context of the album. "8" sticks out like a sore thumb, and I kinda wish it was left off, because it keeps this album from being perfect. But other than that, this album is perfect. It's the perfect full-length debut from Billie to really introduce her to the mainstream, and it's full of great moments that keep me wanting to listen over and over again.

9/10

Best Tracks: "bad guy", "xanny", "you should see me in a crown", "when the party's over", "ilomilo", "i love you"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: August 22, 2020

 Well, we all saw this, didn't we? WAP at #1. That's some wonderful ass positioning on the charts right now. Obviously this pushes everything else back, save for "Blinding Lights" which the radio just will not let go. For good reason, I might add!

Oh, and Lewis Capaldi re-enters the Top 10. We can stop this experiment any time now, folks.

Predictions:

That new Drake song, as all new Drakes songs are, is pretty much poised for a Top 10 positioning, possibly as high as #2? Yeah, I don't think it's beating out the juggernaut known as "WAP". Beyond that "Mood Swings" by Pop Smoke is quietly gaining traction and could make a run for the Top 10 next week. Everything else looks relatively steady, but if "Mood Swings" does break through, it would be nice to knock out some of the shit-awful songs in the Top 10 right now.

Plastic Beach by Gorillaz - ALBUM REVIEW

 

Hard to believe this was released over ten years ago. I am getting old indeed.

Gorillaz are a truly unique band, in that their personas consist solely of animated characters. They blend the lines of many genres between alternative rock, pop, hip hop, and much more. They are a refreshing, always exciting presence in the music world. And Plastic Beach is no exception.

One of the things that strikes me about Gorillaz is the level of craftsmanship put into each album. I've always said that good albums should feel like experiences, rather than a bunch of songs thrown together. Plastic Beach feels like a cool summer night, actually perfect to listen to during the summer. It's like the headlining performance of an electronica concert. There are a lot of guest artists on this album, but none of them feel forced in; each one makes a great addition, from Snoop Dogg's smooth delivery on "Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach" to Bobby Womack's soulful performance on "Cloud of Unknowing". It's a near-perfect album, with only a few songs that don't do it for me as much. But the majority of them hit hard. Love Gorillaz, love this album.

9/10

Best Tracks: "Stylo" (ft. Mos Def and Bobby Womack), "Superfast Jellyfish" (ft. Gruff Rhys and De La Soul), "Empire Ants" (ft. Little Dragon), "Some Kind of Nature" (ft. Lou Reed), "On Melancholy Hill", "Cloud of Unknowing" (ft. Bobby Womack and Sinfonia VIVA)

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: August 15, 2020

 Sorry guys I missed the last two weeks for pretty much no reason but I'm back! And hoo boy, the charts have changed. Luckily, all the predictions I made in my heaqd were correct, so we don't need to mull over that. Cool? Cool.

"Watermelon Sugar" at #1! That's nice to see a more summery song take the top spot, though "ROCKSTAR" kind of matches the mood better for this summer. New Billie Eilish,  which I haven't heard yet but will try to peep soon. And Chris Brown is here. Yep. In 2020.

Predictions:

Expecting a big debut for "WAP" next week, certainly top 10, but could it have the momentum to go all the way to the top? If it does, "Watermelon Sugar" and most of the other songs probably won't fall too far. We can only hope the opposite is true for Chris Brown, though.

Chromatica by Lady Gaga - ALBUM REVIEW

Lady Gaga is back! And... better than ever? Well, maybe not, but as far as a Lady Gaga album goes, this one still works pretty well.

Man, what a time to release an album full of dance tracks, a time when no one is going to the club or partying (or at the very least shouldn't be, lookin' at you, Chainsmokers). I feel like this album became under-appreciated as a result in favour of more lowkey releases like Charli XCX's how i'm feeling now. But it still did the numbers. Big numbers, in fact. so maybe it also works as an escapist album. The two lead singles, "Stupid Love" and "Rain on Me" with Ariana Grande, certainly evoke feelings of joy and excitement in an era where that's hard to come by. But those are just the singles. Does the rest of the album shake out?

Well, for the most part, it's perfectly great pop music. Some songs are better than others, and I'm not sure I agree with the grandiose tone this album tries to strike with three different musical interludes. But as a pop album, it works. I'd say the only song that really doesn't fit is "Sour Candy", which scans more as a BLACKPINK song featuring Lady Gaga than the other way around. But it's still a decent BLACKPINK song. I wouldn't say any of these songs fall flat, and the singles certainly soar. It's not Lady Gaga's best album by any stretch, but it's far from disappointing.

8/10

Best Tracks: "Stupid Love", "Rain on Me" (with Ariana Grande), "Free Woman", "Fun Tonight", "Plastic Doll", "Replay"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: July 25, 2020

It's a Juice WRLD, and we're just living in it. Seriously, making up half of the Top 10 is damn impressive, even for an album bomb. Obviously people are prone to support a posthumous album if they were fans of the artist, but the question becomes now whether any of this will stick around. Beyond that, "ROCKSTAR" has all but cemented itself as the song of the summer, while other songs tumble thanks to the album bomb.

Predictions:

If the Juice WRLD album bomb didn't happen, "Savage Love" would be in the Top 10. I think it's all but locked for next week. We may also see a new DJ Khaled/Drake thing, and of the Juice WRLD songs that may stick around in the top 10, I could see "Come & Go" and "Wishing Well". This doesn't leave much room for anything else to rebound, but "Watermelon Sugar" will probably do it.

BLAME IT ON BABY by DaBaby - ALBUM REVIEW

The DaBaby backlash is real. If you go on RYM, there is a steep drop-off between DaBaby's albums in rating, this one clocking in at just under two stars. Now, why is that? Have DaBaby's albums gotten progressively worse? Or have we all just gotten sick of him in record time?

It wouldn't be hard to argue the latter. This is his third studio album put out in just over a year. And with complaints that DaBaby doesn't really have a lot of tricks up his sleeve, yeah, it can get boring to hear the same thing over and over. But is this album really that bad? I'd actually argue it's more good than bad, but only slightly, and make no mistake, there are stinkers on this album that probably either could have used another run through or just been scrapped altogether. Though with this album's runtime of just over 30 minutes, maybe you need every scrap you can get.

Let's get this out of the way: DaBaby can't sing. I'm sorry, it's the truth. And the fact that he's trying to use his singing in a legitimately emotional way is just laughable in the worst possible way. What the hell is a song like "SAD SHIT" doing on a DaBaby album? It's not like he can't handle serious subject matter ("INTRO" is in many ways his best single), but I cannot take this seriously for the life of me. The only song where his singing sounds good is "ROCKSTAR", and that's only because he's clearly not trying.

Also, try as he might to differentiate himself, it all just ends up sounding mostly the same anyway. Which, for me, is mostly fine: I like DaBaby! I like his scattered stop-and-start flow. But if you're looking for any huge departures in his sound, you're mostly going to get disappointing snippets. There are a few highlights, though. "JUMP" is the most energetic and fun song on this album, and "NASTY" brings an always welcome feature from Megan Thee Stallion, as well as an interesting flip of an old Ashanti song, with her coming back to add some more lyrics. So no, I don't think this is as bad as the ratings signify, but all the same I can understand why some might be disappointed. Maybe it's time for DaBaby to take a break; it's not like he can go and tour for new albums right now anyway. I don't want to see his star burn out too soon; this is the type of guy you like to have around. But still, it's possible to have too much of a good thing.

6/10

Best Tracks: "ROCKSTAR" (ft. Roddy Ricch), "JUMP" (ft. YoungBoy Never Broke Again), "DROP" (ft. A Boogie wit da Hoodie & London On Da Track), "NASTY" (ft. Ashanti & Megan Thee Stallion)

Rodeo by Travis Scott - ALBUM REVIEW

At the end of 2019, I compiled a slapdash list of my favourite albums of the 2010s. This album was on that list. I am not sure that, listening to it now, I would keep it on that list, but it is still a damn great album that deserves recognition for revolutionizing trap and mainstream music.

Let's start by saying that in a lot of ways, this album sounds ugly. It's a lot of blaring synths, almost foghorn-like, coupled with either similarly blaring vocals or tonally dissonant ones. And I think the album's ugliness and dissonance are its strengths. The entire album feels like it's bleeding an afterparty; the musical choices are laid on so thick that they practically drill into your skull. It's a very moody album.

The mood of this album is mostly helped along by its guest stars, who, like I said, do their part to either add to the ugliness or the dissonance of this album. (In Young Thug's case, he does both.) While I'm not exactly a huge fan of every song on here, and definitely think some could be better/some guest stars could be cut, the whole thing plays out like an experience. A journey that Travis Scott has taken us on. And that's what every great album should do.

8/10

Best Tracks: "3500" (ft. Future, 2 Chainz), "90210" (ft. Kacy Hill), "Pray 4 Love" (ft. The Weeknd), "Nightcrawler" (ft. Swae Lee, Chief Keef), "Piss on Your Grave" (ft. Kanye West), "Antidote"

After Hours by The Weeknd - ALBUM REVIEW

The Weeknd has proven to be an elite hitmaker over the past five years or so. In 2020, he released his fourth album, After Hours. And while I think I prefer some of his previous work, this is still a slick, emotionally impactful album.

As with many projects, the hype for After Hours came from its bombastic lead singles. They certainly deserve to put The Weeknd back on the map. However, they don't really provide a good impression of what this album actually is. It's a lot darker and slower-paced than what "Heartless" and "Blinding Lights" would have you believe. Not that that makes the album bad or anything; I think quite a few songs on here are excellent. But it may provide a tonal whiplash.

Most of the songs on here toe the line between older Weeknd and more pop-friendly Weeknd. I'm not really a fan of "Too Late", where the chorus sounds like Mike Tyson recorded it through a radiator. But every other song is at least passable, and if you like The Weeknd, this is certainly another project that you won't be disappointed by.

8/10

Best Tracks: "Escape from LA", "Heartless", "Blinding Lights", "In Your Eyes", "After Hours", "Until I Bleed Out"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: July 18, 2020

No real drastic change to the Top 10 this week apart from Pop Smoke breaking through, affecting pretty much only "We Paid" by Lil Baby & 42 Dugg, a song that I can assume only got on the Top 10 in the first place due to the chart's relative weakness lately. All I can say is, expect "ROCKSTAR" to be the song of the summer, and expect it not to be close. Speaking of predictions...

Predictions: 

With Juice WRLD's posthumous album bomb coming next week, expect him to shake up the Top 10 a little. Going off of streaming numbers, it looks like "Life's a Mess" with Halsey, as well as "Wishing Well" and "Come & Go" with Marshmello have decent chances to break through. I am also keeping a close eye on "Savage Love", which had a small gain this week probably cut short by the album bomb. Once those all start to wash away, this thing could make a break for the Top 10 as well. God help us all.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: July 11, 2020

The charts continue to change as each song's relative weakness begins to show aside from "ROCKSTAR", which seems to have a lock on the #1 spot. Indeed, it seems to be the only strong song out there, with "WHATS POPPIN" somehow taking the #2 spot with a remix. You really don't need to go further than that to justify the weakness of the charts right now. "WHATS POPPIN" is not a #2 song. It's also not a #10 song, but we've crossed that bridge already. Speaking of the Top 10, we have two new entries in Harry Styles' "Watermelon Sugar" (expected) and Lil Baby & 42 Dugg's "We Paid" (...okay?) This knocks out "Circles" yet again and "The Bigger Picture" which is still holding on more than I thought it would.

Predictions:

That "Savage Love"... thing seems to be rocketing up the charts distressingly quickly, and appears to be robust on streaming. Okay, I guess 2020 is the year Jason Derulo comes back, of all things. Beyond that, hard to say what's going to happen, as the charts seem especially weak right now. Maybe a Pop Smoke album bomb will shake things up further.

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa - ALBUM REVIEW

Future Nostalgia is a bit of an odd title for an album, particularly when you're already banking on nostalgia from the 70s and 80s. That's not really futuristic, even for nostalgia; we've been mining those fields for decades now. That said, it's not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you can make it your own. And I'd argue Dua Lipa does.

You can clearly hear the inspirations from funk and synthpop. Sometimes these influences come together particularly magically, like in the pop smash "Don't Start Now", a cheeky song about being on the other side of a breakup and blowing off the man who wants you back. Every element works out in the song's favour; the buildup to the throbbing chorus is fantastic. You then have more straightforward, synthpop-laden love letters to the 80s, like in "Physical", a wonderful dance track that kind of turns my brain to mush with how attractive it is.

But the influences don't stop there; I'm a sucker for a good "My Woman" sample and "Love Again" absolutely scratches that itch for me. You also have more stripped-down tracks like "Boys Will Be Boys", which, although I'd argue it doesn't fit the album at all, is still a pretty good song in its own right.

In fact, I don't think there's a bad song to be had on this album; there are a few underwhelming ones, but I still think they have merit. For the most part, Dua Lipa delivers a flawless album that shows that taking inspiration from the past isn't always a bad thing, particularly when you have a powerhouse voice such as hers, as well as such a forceful personality. I know she's probably experiencing her heyday as an artist this year, but this album is full of instant classics and it blows my mind (mwah) that it's not getting more attention. In my view, fantastic album.

9/10

Best Tracks: "Don't Start Now", "Cool", "Physical", "Hallucinate", "Love Again", "Break My Heart"

how i'm feeling now by Charli XCX - ALBUM REVIEW

Sometimes, during these times, you have to look on the positive side of things. I'm positive that during quarantine, we got a damn good album from a damn great artist.

Charli XCX has always been in the back of my mind as I go through the recent years of pop music; the pop star that was too good for the charts. This album completely sells that theory, as it may be her best, certainly her most relevant, to date. 

The album feels like a lowkey party that you're not invited to, and can't be invited to, due to the pandemic. It's an album of mixed feelings and sentiments set to glossy synths. It's a haunting yet fun listen, and the perfect kind of music to get us through this. Sorry "Toosie Slide".

I can't even really explain it, it's just fantastic. It's like eating a candy for the first time and letting your senses overwhelm you. The whole album feels like an experience out of sitting in your room, doing nothing, and being alone with your thoughts. There may be some songs I like more than others on this album, but it all adds up to a masterpiece.

9/10

Best Tracks: "forever", "7 years", "enemy",  "party 4 u", "anthems", "visions" 

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1988

As I said, the late 80s were a wonderfully gaudy time for pop music. Yes, that has a good side. Let's get to it!

---

...a bit slower than we might normally get to it for 1988. But this is the list of the best hits, not the most 1988 hits, so here ya go.

10. "Fast Car" - Tracy Chapman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwrHwZyFN7M

I respect Tracy Chapman for doing her own thing in this era and still managing to land a smash hit. I guess the world in 1988 needed some sort of respite from the overproduced. materialistic era of music and this was just the scratch for that itch. A simple folk-rock ballad sung straight from the heart. And it really is a heart-rending song, not least because of Chapman's performance, sounding like she's always on the verge of tears. It's a sad, somber song, but also with tinges of optimism in it. When those drums kick in on the chorus, it just kills.

Maybe this wouldn't be everyone's pick for Remember the 80s Night, but I'd certainly be remiss to leave it off my list. Fantastic little tune.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YusuxRqg5w

Ah, U2. Already the biggest band in the world come 1987, and their collective arrogance would just be turned up to eleven with the release of the double album and documentary Rattle and Hum. There's a Todd in the Shadows video that would dissect the documentary way better than I ever could, but how about the album? It's not really the best-remembered U2 album, but I'd argue it still has its merits. After all, you don't become the biggest band of 1987 only to fade away in 1988.

9. "Desire" - U2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8rQ575DWD8

U2's music from about Unforgettable Fire to the end of the 80s can only be described by me as "soaring". Their music really makes you feel like you're flying, through these grandiose choruses and thundering guitar. Certainly a fitting feeling for the soaring mood of the best 80's music, but U2 still managed to keep their rock edge (heh-heh, edge) as well through Bono's raw vocal performances. I know U2 get clowned on a lot now because of their grandiosity, but it sure does make their music a joy to listen to. Harmonica solo? Why not. If you so desi-i-i-i-re. Boy, how do I embarrass myself more after that?

---

*sigh* Well...

8. "Dirty Diana" - Michael Jackson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUi_S6YWjZw

"Separate the art from the artist" has always been a bullshit qualifier only applied to artists you personally like. If everyone would just admit that they have a double standard when it comes to good artists and... 6ix9ine, we'd be a lot better off. That said. Michael Jackson the person probably sucked. But Michael Jackson the artist? It's not hard to see why he was the King of Pop, and could get away with songs like this. It's interesting how much of a sexual vibe this gives off and yet it's about actively trying to resist the urges of some persistent groupie. There's just such a raw, tense energy to this song, a lot of suspense here.

Not only does Michael cement his legacy as King of Pop here, but also proves his rock credibility. The wailing he does in the chorus is truly impactful, and is the perfect payoff to verse of buildup where the situation intensifies. It's a great song.

---

I love INXS.

7. "New Sensation" - INXS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV-QGQVZv0k

INXS are the sexiest band of the 80s, if you don't count Captain & Tennille's brief stint in 1980. 
Each of their songs is a wonderful slice of Aussie rock, and this one might be the most upbeat of their hits. It certainly evokes the feel of the extravagant 1980s without being slathered in it. A tight groove, a catchy chorus, an irreplaceable frontman. Can't ask for much more.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYzlVDlE72w

Yeah. You could do that. Or you could do this!

6. "So Emotional" - Whitney Houston

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YjSHbA6HQQ

While Whitney Houston fits into 80s balladeering, I've always felt like her most enjoyable songs are the ones with an upbeat punch, and this is easily one of the best of them. Like with the other great songs of this year thus far, there's such a forceful energy, but the reason this ranks higher is because Whitney Houston is a powerhouse of a singer and totally carries this song. Few could rival her in pure vocal power in the 80s. I also dig the guitars on this song; it provides Whitney with a rock edge that surprisingly suits her. It's a fun song, and easily the type of music I prefer from Whitney.

---

Did I mention I love INXS?

5. "Devil Inside" - INXS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hv_zJrO_ptk

Whitney may be a powerful singer, but INXS just has the whole package. I can't think of a single song of theirs I don't enjoy. They're the perfect mix of rock and pop that should be an 80s staple. This song definitely leans more into their rock edge, and the intensity throughout is undeniable. It's like a boiling pot waiting to explode. The fact that the chorus remains so lowkey adds to that intensity. It's like it never really resolves until the very end when Michael Hutchence just wails. I love INXS. But you already knew that.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsmVgoXDq2w

I have a complicated relationship with the band known as The Bangles. There was a time when "Manic Monday" was one of my least favourite songs ever, mostly due to the inane chorus. Now? It's alright. Prince'll do that to you. Meanwhile, the oh-so-problematic "Walk Like an Egyptian" soured on me in recent years. So much flip-flopping with this band. Good thing their Simon & Garfunkel cover has always kicked ass.

4. "A Hazy Shade of Winter" - The Bangles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cNeXWpTVlo

I dare blaspheme and say this is miles better than the original. This song lends itself so well to the way The Bangles do it. A pumped-up rock song with flawless harmonies and a chilling intro. I also enjoy a good pounding drum beat with cowbell. It shouldn't fit, but it does. This is The Bangles at their full potential, and if they made more music like this I'd be inclined to like them more.

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I'm just gonna say if you don't like this song fuck you.

3. "Heaven is a Place on Earth" - Belinda Carlisle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOGEyBeoBGM

Belinda Carlisle was of course part of the early 80s pop group The Go-Go's, a band which remains flawlessly catchy and fun to this day. I can't say I enjoy her solo career quite as much, but there is no denying that this song is fantastic. It's like, everyone looking to create an 80s pop rock song should study this one. It's perfect the whole way through. Belinda Carlisle really shines in her vocal performance, particularly in that oh-so-irresistible key change in the final chorus. Tropes in pop music stick around for a reason, and when they're executed as well as this they're like heaven... on earth.

This is by far the standout track from Belinda Carlisle's solo career, and it's remembered to this day for good reason. It's such a fun, joyous, optimistic tune. Love love love it.

---

I...

2. "Need You Tonight" - INXS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F93ywiGMDnQ

Well, you had to know this was coming, right? INXS's magnum opus. The primary reason why you know this band. And yeah, it obviously kicks ass. There's really nothing like it this year, or really this decade. It has its own energy. And especially in these tumultuous times, the lyrics resonate. If someone were to ask my how I'm feeling, yelling "I'M LONELY" would probably be at the top of my response list. What do I think? CAN'T THINK AT ALL- you get it. Haha, 2020 jokes!

But it's not just the lyrics that work well, or Hutchence's once again perfect delivery. It's that guitar lick.  You know the one. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! Okay, I've now confused about half of you. It's the only prominent guitar lick in the song, keep up.

Despite Michael's wailing on the chorus, the coolness radiating off of the verses is undeniable in how effortless it sounds. This song is jam-packed with hooks and little moments that keep you coming back. It's one of the 80s' greatest earworms, and one of their greatest songs. And yet... one song bests it.

---

I try to keep things surprising. I try to keep you on your toes. But the truth must be revealed. And the truth is... this song undeniably ruled 1988.

1. "Sweet Child o' Mine" - Guns N' Roses

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7OgIMMRc4

I'm not sorry. This song was amazing from the first time I heard it, and still holds up today.

That loop that Slash does to hook you into the song... it's so simple. In fact, it was simple. It's a finger exercise. But Slash is such a master of his craft that he makes the simplest of guitar riffs sound absolutely magical. I can't think of a better intro this year. And again, just as with INXS, hooks for daaaays with this song. Mostly due to Slash, but Axl Rose's singing, particularly near the end where he just goes unhinged, sticks in the brain too. Where do we go now? Where do we go? A simple question asked on how to continue the song to its end... became the end. It's like this song was created entirely by accidental genius. And it still holds up today as one of the greatest, most enduring songs of the 80s hard rock scene. Where do we go now? Probably back to the start of the song, to play it again. God bless the 80s in all their indulgence. When it goes right, it goes so right.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: July 4, 2020

Happy Canada Day! Today I am blessed with a gift of "TROLLZ" plummeting down the charts. Hope that continues. "ROCKSTAR" rightfully takes its place back at #1 and the Top 10 mostly stabilizes. I was pleasantly surprised to see "The Bigger Picture" hang on to the Top 10 despite its drop. Beyond that, "The Box" also drops out to make room for "Blueberry Faygo" (see? I TOLD you it would eventually make Top 10), "WHATS POPPIN" (...really?) and "Circles" (GO. AWAAAAY.)

Predictions:

I'm surprised "Watermelon Sugar" hasn't broken the Top 10 yet. I'm sure that'll be next week or the one after. Beyond that... new Kanye song? Probably? We'll see.

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1988

The late 80s were a period of gaudy, cheesy fluff masquerading as music. And boy, was it a good time. Nothing but!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC9P8-B42cA

Well, not all of it was good. I know, shocker. And we're gonna take a look at the bad right now!

---

Speaking of Poison, UB40 are just poison to my ears.

10. "Red Red Wine" - UB40

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXt56MB-3vc

I am baffled at how UB40 got mainstream airplay. They are the most simultaneously watered-down and annoying band in existence. And look no further for porof of that than one of their biggest hits, their cover of "Red Red Whine", I mean, "whine", I mean... "whine".

This was originally a Neil Diamond song. I don't think the band has any actual songs of their own; the limited creativity that they do have is spent on making Ali Campbell's voice as ear-piercing as possible. But anyway... this was originally a Neil Diamond song. And let me tell you, like every single cover this wretched band does, it is miles better being performed by the original. You can hear the soul being sucked out of this song the moment Ali Campbell opens his braying donkey mouth. Or maybe it's right from the moment you start hearing that cod-reggae beat. Hard to tell, it all stinks of week-old salmon.

I'm not even a huge Neil Diamond fan, but like all artists desecrated by UB40, they did him dirty. Of course, that is only my perception as Neil Diamond apparently loved UB40's version and started doing a reggae version of this song himself. Cod help us all.

---

The 80s was full of these bloated ballad singers that offered little personality. I'm gonna count Eric Carmen as one of 'em.

9. "Make Me Lose Control" - Eric Carmen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQlKa1IeZF8

Eric Carmen has always been more hair than music to me. Really, what can you say about this other than it sounds like a low-rent Billy Ocean song? And it's not like Billy Ocean is teeming with personality either, but he's a hell of a lot more interesting than that. Eric Carmen just presents as wet flannel. It feels like a huge waste of time to even write any more about this; it's so dull. Moving on!

---

And then there's Richard Marx...

8. "Endless Summer Nights" - Richard Marx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NvsMKYgCsM

Honestly? Copy-paste everything I said about Eric Carmen and put it where Richard Marx is. Hell, even the hair thing. A lot of 80's guys had the hair thing. But seriously, we gave this guy way too many hits. Surely there must have been someone more interesting to idolize than this Lou Gramm wannabe. Hell, even Foreigner was still releasing music. Not their best, but still probably better than this.

I kind of want to kick this song to get it to start. It's way too laid-back for its own good. I get that not every song has to be a power ballad, but if you're going for the ballad route anyway, better to do that than go for this cheap resort vibe. Or maybe you just need a stronger singer, I don't know. Either way, something's not working here. No matter how much sax you put into this song to try and make it sound interesting. Sorry, sax man.

---

You know, I kind of want to be charitable to Taylor Dayne, because unlike the aforementioned two artists, she actually does have a personality. It's just too bad she wastes it on songs like these.

7. "I'll Always Love You" - Taylor Dayne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bGdnMnq40s

This goes to show that it really doesn't matter how much of a powerhouse singer you have. If the music isn't there, it's not there. And you may not like Taylor Dayne's overwrought voice. But you have to admit it's more forceful and grabs your attention better than a lot of the charts this year. But this? It just sounds like she's overcompensating for the lack of a musical idea. It legitimately sounds like the same tune as "Endless Summer Nights". Sax and everything. So if Taylor Dayne is a more talented, or at least more interesting singer, then why does this rank lower than Richard Marx? It comes down to wasted potential. If this could have been pumped up a bit, it might have been a passable song. As it stands, it's Taylor Dayne trying to make something out of nothing. A by-the-numbers ballad that should have been a lot better.

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6. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

Are you fucking kidding me.

Look, I get the sentiment of wanting to forget your troubles and just live in blissful ignorance. It's a sentiment that rings especially hollow in these times, but I get it. But just because the sentiment is brainless doesn't mean the song has to be too. This is a nothing of a song. I get why it's popular, but it just sucks. I'd rather listen to the ceiling fan. At last that has the potential to fly off the ceiling, doing something interesting.

If I'm going to take a message of forced happiness from a song, it's certainly not going to be this one. Like, who are you to tell me to be happy? I've got a whole worst list where I can be miserable, and you want me to be happy? Screw you, buddy! It would be one thing if the song stopped at the sentiment, but over the course of the song it becomes clear that no, this isn't an option. You MUST be happy, lest you bring everyone else down around you. Fuck is that? That's the opposite of inspiring! And it's exactly why this garbage doesn't deserve any more attention. Happiness is not gained by faking a smile to make those around you feel better. That makes you feel worse. You're a toxic friend, Bobby McFerrin!

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Ballad time!

5. "Anything for You" - Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uLl8aA95zA

I so very much resent these ballads for being so bland that I simultaneously must put them on my list and have nothing to say about them. What is there to say about this? It's nothing. It's less than nothing. It's a song buffering so that you might get something interesting next time around. But worst of all, it's Miami Sound Machine doing a Chicago impression.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzy28p9l5dI

Yeah, this sounds like Chicago. And anything that sounds like Chicago that isn't Chicago is a sin so great that I need a whole separate list for songs like this. It's not like Gloria Estefan is this hallowed artist or anything, but she's made music way more fun-sounding than this! Just because you can make a sappy ballad, doesn't mean you should. If only all of the 80s would get that memo.

---

4. "Hands to Heaven" - Breathe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC5InWPjtL8

IT'S BORING! IT'S SO FUCKING BORING I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO JUSTIFY WHY THIS IS HERE AAAAAAAAAAH next one

(why does every damn song this year try to pretend their song isn't boring by plopping in a saxophone, that doesn't make up for your suckage, jesus christ)

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In a year full of mediocre balladeers, you'd think this would be the year I'd be more charitable to Phil Collins. But he decided to kick things... down a notch.

3. "A Groovy Kind of Love" - Phil Collins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsC_SARyPzk

Okay. Here's the Mindbenders' version of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddcIunulJi4

You hear how there's actually a GROOVE in this song called "A Groovy Kind of Love"? Phil Collins didn't! Because he decided to, without a hint of irony, cover this song in the slowest, most easy-listening way possible. I know the heyday of Genesis was behind him at this point, but you can still afford to try a bit harder than this. "Groovy Kind of Love". What's groovy about this? This reads so much like a dad trying to fit in that it's unbelievably sad. But even when Phil Collins usually turns it down a notch, it comes out better than this. This song has no pulse. much less a groove. And I can't imagine it getting anyone in the mood for anything, except turning off the radio.

---

So most of these slow ballad songs on here I kind of expected to some degree, or never had any high hopes for the artist in the first place. This one is different. This one broke my heart.

2. "The Flame" - Cheap Trick

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muhFxXce6nA

Cheap Trick. The face of power pop in the late 70s. Releasing one of the worst, most overwrought ballads of the 1980s. Does Not Compute.

I get that Cheap Trick's sound was probably not going to make a resurgence in the late 80s, but isn't it better to burn out than fade away? Now this steaming turd has to be a part of the band's legacy, and that's sad. Cheap Trick should not sound like a no-name hair metal band turning it down a notch. Puke.

Apparently the band had the choice between doing this song and "Look Away", which was eventually covered by Chicago. Honestly, even in a world of sucky power ballads, I think Chicago got the upper hand here. "Look Away" actually has an impactful chorus, while "The Flame" sputters to a halt. Which is what the song should have done before it started. If Chicago is taking your leftovers in the first place, maybe that's a sign you're not on the right path.

This is the power of the late 80s' suckage. Turning good bands bad. And yet this is still only the second worst song of the year.

---

There were a lot of ballads this year. But none more incompetent-sounding than this.

1. "I Want to Be Your Man" - Roger

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muhFxXce6nA

A talk box. You're using a talk box for this romantic ballad. Well... it's an idea, I guess.

Maybe someone out there likes this, but to me this just sounds like crap. I'm all for innovation, but this is simultaneously boring and incredibly messy. I can't imagine making love to this, or dancing to it, or anything. All I can imagine is listening to this song with a quizzical expression on your face, like how did this even happen? If that's what this song was made for, then congratulations. Me, I like to expect a little bit more.

Red by Taylor Swift - ALBUM REVIEW

Yep, it's another T-Swift album. There are honestly few artists in the mainstream I find more fascinating than her, and here's an album where you can clearly start to see the pivot between country and pop. You can also start to see the downsides of Taylor Swift embracing pop, which would be mostly fixed but still present in 1989, and exacerbated in reputation and Lover.

The songs that work the best, as is usually true on any Taylor Swift project, are the ones which showcase her at her most vulnerable. You can see this in songs like "All Too Well" and "Begin Again", where the emotional complexities of her decision making and regret are best present. The song also has quite a few tracks that meld pop and country together quite well, and provide a possible avenue for Taylor to pull of a full pop turn, like she did on 1989. On the other hand, the album's duets flop for me for being unforgivably boring and not really showcasing either artist well. And "I Knew You Were Trouble", while not necessarily a bad song on its own, provides a dangerous path for Taylor Swift to take into pop. Again, see the worst songs on reputation for that. Shallow, overwrought, and using pop influences that don't match her style at all.

It's a bit of a mixed bag, this album, but I'm inclined to be charitable for it being Taylor Swift's first real taste of full pop. It seemed to go over well with fans, as all the strictly pop singles did well. Me, I think I mostly prefer the country side of this album, but if this was the album that inspired Taylor to try 1989, I can't hold a grudge against it. Good stuff.

7/10

Best Tracks: "State of Grace", "All Too Well", "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", "Starlight", "Begin Again"

Madman Across the Water by Elton John - ALBUM REVIEW

We're giving Elton John a second chance here. And honestly? I found this album quite a bit more rewarding.

Part of the reason is because it's shorter. That may seem like a backhanded compliment, but it is good to hear a sample of great Elton John songs without filler or opportunities for him to embarrass himself. There are no "Jamaican Jerk-Off"s or "Dirty Little Girl"s on this album. ("Indian Sunset" admittedly toes the line, but gets a pass for at least trying to tell a story and having bravado.) It also has what might be my favourite Elton John song in "Tiny Dancer". Overall, the songs just feel a lot more laid-back and stripped-down, which is honestly a look that suits Elton John well. The piano man.

Unlike Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, I didn't dislike a song on this album. There weren't quite as many standouts either way, but the ones that did are classics that hold up to this day. Overall, I'd say a better album for those reasons.

8/10

Best Tracks: "Tiny Dancer", "Levon", "Madman Across the Water"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: June 27, 2020

When I made my predictions for this week, I left one particular song out. I'm not really sure why; by all accounts it was at least gearing for a Top 5 hit. But maybe I did this just on a beacon of hope; that we would all forget about this song, and this man, before it's too late. But no. Here we are. "TROLLZ" is number one. Happy 2020, everybody.

I don't even wanna talk about this song for longer than I have to, so let's not! The good news is that Lil Baby finally released a good song, and it debuted rather high as well, at #3. This sends pretty much everything else in the Top 10 down one or two spots, except for "Rain on Me" which actually gained a spot, and "Toosie Slide" which is falling out faster than you think.

Predictions:

That new Jason Derulo song is blowing up on streaming. I guess all we needed to save 2020 was a Jason Derulo return. Could we see a Top 10 run with this song? I think it's far more safe to predict that for "Watermelon Sugar", which is still surging despite the Top 10 debuts. The tiktok songs keep making me look foolish, so I'm ignoring them for now. As for our debuts proper... I can't see either of them lasting long in the Top 10, for better or for worse. Let's get DaBaby back to #1, that song has grown on me.

Siamese Dream by The Smashing Pumpkins - ALBUM REVIEW

It is my birthday today! So I decided to treat myself by listening to one of my favourite albums of the 90s. Smashing Pumpkins have always been one of my favourite bands of this era. There's really not much in the mainstream that sounds like them; they clearly take influence and direction from punk and grunge acts, but with Billy Corgan's distinctive voice and more melodic tones, they carve a sound and aesthetic that is uniquely theirs.

You may notice that I have not yet given a 10/10 to any album so far. Even some of the best, most praised albums on this blog have had to settle for a 9. Which is a really great score still! But to get a 10, you have to basically hit me with all the right emotions and feelings while keeping up a consistent level of quality sound. That's what this album does for me; it scratches that itch that I have when I want to listen to 90s rock. It's a perfect balance of hard rock guitars and melodic, dreamlike tones amid the dark subject matter. And I'll be the first to admit it's not for everyone, not by a long shot. If you can't get past Billy Corgan's voice (or perhaps, more appropriately, his right-wing conspiracy theorist views), I understand. But for me, this hits hard, and hits consistently. Nearly every song on here is pitch-perfect to my ears, and the classics off of this album are undeniable. Too many to list, really, but I'll try to keep it to 6. Fantastic record, check it out.

10/10

Best Tracks: "Cherub Rock", "Today", "Hummer", "Geek U.S.A.", "Mayonaise", "Luna"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: June 20, 2020

As I predicted last week (again, feels good to say that!) "ROCKSTAR" has remained at the top of the charts for a second week, breaking the streak of new #1s. Things were getting a bit ridiculous there, so it's good to have some stability as we settle down for the summer. Could "ROCKSTAR" be the song of the summer? I dunno, maybe.

Beyond that, we have an utterly disgusting jump for "Intentions" to #5, and to counter it "Rain on Me" falls to #10. Most of the rest of the chart stayed pretty stable, with the Top 4 unchanged.

Predictions:

I feel like tiktok is going to rule this summer, with "Roses" already in the Top 10 and rising, and "death bed" and *sigh* "Party Girl" gaining momentum to break through. I'd keep an eye on the run "Watermelon Sugar" is making too; it has the potential to break the Top 10. "The Box" has held on a lot longer than I thought it would, but it, along with "Toosie Slide" and "Don't Start Now", is losing momentum and will probably be out of the Top 10 soon. Desperately wish we could say this about "Intentions", but looks like it's stuck around like a rotten fungus.

Dark Lane Demo Tapes by Drake - DEMO TAPES REVIEW

Drake is a frustratingly mediocre artist with the potential to be really good. We've seen this potential with albums way back at the start of last decade, but now he keeps tripping over himself and it makes projects like these so hard to fully embrace. I kid you not, when I first listened to this thing, I was on board. It felt like some return to form for Drake, that he wasn't just phoning his projects in anymore. Then I gave it another listen. And another one. And it is shocking just how little this mixtape holds up to replay.

I have to wonder whether the first few songs didn't provide me with some false sense of hope when going through this thing, because they are by miles the best tracks on this mixtape. "Deep Pockets" actually does make you feel like you're about to enter into something interesting, and "When to Say When" and "Chicago Freestyle" continue that trend of being generally more interesting and listenable than most Drake work in a while. We then get to "Not You Too", and while it features Chris Brown, something that should not be happening anywhere, it's still a passable track.

Then we get to "Toosie Slide", and I remember why Drake has been a thorn in my side for this long.

"Toosie Slide" was the single released before the tape was sent out, to capitalize on everyone staying in their homes and having nothing better to do than make tiktok videos. Hey, why not start a dance trend? The lamest dance trend known to man. It's such a dull, pathetic song, and what's worse, it kicks off a slew of mediocrity that is pervasive through this tape, and doesn't really let up until the end with "Demons". The thing is, I want to like a lot of these songs. But it's like Drake goes out of his way to ruin them most of the time, by either putting on his most whiny, detached delivery yet on "Landed", or by continuing his trend of concern trolling on songs like "Time Flies" and "Desires". You'd think by now he'd realize it's not a good look, but I guess also by now he's realized that it doesn't matter.

And it doesn't matter, does it? Drake is just going to continue doing this over and over again, and we're stuck with it until his audience demands better, which they should. But they won't. Oh well.

5/10

Best Tracks: "Deep Pockets", "When to Say When", "Chicago Freestyle" (ft. Giveon)

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: June 13, 2020

Hey look! A couple predictions of mine came true. Nice when that actually happens.

We have yet another song coming to #1 with "ROCKSTAR", as "Rain on Me" falls but does not fade, remaining in the Top 5. We also have the "Roses" remix finally cracking the Top 10 as I've been predicting for a month now. Eventually you get it right!

Beyond that, we have the usual songs trending downwards. Looks like "The Box" is on its way out in particular, unfortunately giving rise to "Intentions" which needs to Go. Away.

Predictions:

I feel like we'll actually get a stable week after this one, and probably the first multi-week #1 in a while with "ROCKSTAR" holding the top spot. "death bed" may eventually crack the Top 10, joining "Roses".

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John - ALBUM REVIEW

One day this blog is just going to turn into "classic albums I think are overrated", and fights will ensue, the Internet will shut down, and society will end as we know it. That said, Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? Tad overrated.

Don't get me wrong; there are still some fantastic tracks on this album, some of his best. That opening eleven minutes of "Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding" is the perfect way to kick things off. But on the other end of the spectrum, you get songs like "Jamaica Jerk-Off", "Dirty Little Girl", and "Roy Rogers", all of which range from underwhelming to downright insulting. It doesn't help that the double LP runs long, which leads me to question whether some of these turds could have been cut.

And sadly, beyond the highlights and lowlights, it speaks to me as a good, but not great, album. I've actually never been a huge Elton John fan, but I figured the album critics widely tout as his best would leave him with a higher score. But really, there are only a few songs here that I consider genuine masterpieces, and most of the rest falls by the wayside. It feels wrong somehow, but I really can't rate this any higher.

7/10

Best Tracks: "Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding", "Bennie and the Jets", "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting"

Witness by Katy Perry - ALBUM REVIEW

I... wow, this album.

I wanted to give this a fair chance, I really did. All the bad buzz about it, its ending of Katy Perry's cultural relevance. Three years later, the writing remains on the wall for this album. It was a complete disappointment, and only served to showcase how limited Katy Perry is as an artist.

And I can't say I disagree. This album was a chore to get through. It's tonally inconsistent and self-defeating, with "Chained to the Rhythm" being the antithesis to this whole vapid, shallow experience. (It doesn't help that it's simultaneously one of the better songs on that album as well as not that great).

Man... this truly is a trainwreck. What was the thought process going into this thing? The production and lyrical choices are too weird to just be a run-of-the-mill pop album, to say nothing of the horrific album cover. If that were me on there, I'd be covering my ears, just sayin'.

I'm not really sure there's anything to recommend here. Even the passable songs don't stack up to Katy Perry's best work, and the bad songs are just awful. They exist to remind us all that artists are human and can make many, many terrible mistakes. And that's what this album feels like: a terrible mistake. Just look at the singles rollout: A song about being woker than thou and recognizing the vapid pop industry within which we are all complicit... followed by a song that takes food-sex metaphors to a breaking point that I have not heard since Justin Timbaland's "Carry Out". Just about the only person who comes out of this looking somewhat decent is, surprisingly, Nicki Minaj, who delivers a rap verse on "Swish Swish", that, while far from her best, still looms large over the rest of the song, which... does this even need a stamp of disapproval? It's Katy Perry trying to do a diss track. Let's just pretend this never happened.

Actually, that might be a great thing for everyone, including Katy Perry, to do with this album. This never happened! Katy's career faded out naturally like the tide, and may one day come back again, like the tide. Or not. This is the problem with bad metaphors. Like being "spread like a buffet". Ugh.

4/10

"Best" Tracks: "Witness" and "Roulette" are acceptable enough, but again, nowhere near Katy Perry's peak. You probably don't need me to tell you this, but seriously, skip this one.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: June 6, 2020

Hey, everyone! Congrats on making it to June, and let's all be here by July. Jesus. So the Top 10 didn't have that many shakeups this week, save for a new #1 that I should have seen coming. "ROCKSTAR" continues to rise, and "Circles" leaves the Top 10 for the first time in its run. So maybe it was a bit more tumultuous than I thought. Gunna's album bomb does not exist, just as his album does not exist. Anyway!

Predictions:

I notice "This is America" by Childish Gambino picking up steam on streaming, which, given *gestures at everything* it's really not much of a surprise. Will it be enough to break the Top 10 next week? We'll see! I still think "ROCKSTAR" has the chance to go all the way, as "Rain on Me" is probably not going to last at the top spot. Still waiting for "Roses" to crack the Top 10. It's slowly but surely getting there.

I don't know if this blog really gets any attention outside of my core Internet group, but just to make it crystal: Black Lives Matter. Please don't read this blog if you disagree. Here is a shortlist of organizations you can donate to, if you are financially able. Stay strong, and keep fighting.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: May 30, 2020

Another exciting week on the Top 10, with "Savage" finally getting a well-deserved #1 placement, making this Megan Thee Stallion's first ever #1. Good stuff! We also saw both new entries drop out of the Top 10 this week, replaced with "Life is Good" which probably got a streaming boost off of the future album bomb, and "Intentions" because God hates you. "ROCKSTAR" also continues its climb up the charts as it continues to be a streaming monster. In fact...

Predictions:

I think "ROCKSTAR" is all but set to be the new #1, maybe as soon as next week. The only viable competition I can think of is "Rain on Me" coming next week, which will definitely debut Top 5 minimum.

The Big Day by Chance the Rapper - ALBUM REVIEW

I don't like overly long albums. This is an overly long album.

That said, I really don't think it's as bad as some people make it out to be. Yeah, it's corny, but it feels like it's corny with a purpose. It's not like you wouldn't hear lyrics of this caliber from Eminem's later work, and he makes it downright miserable. This is at least a happy, fun listen to some degree. Of course, that kind of goofy attitude can only go on for so long.

Did this album really need to be over an hour? I'm not even sure really if the songs toward the end are that much worse than the ones at the beginning, but it sure feels like it because this album is such a slog after a while. It's like, there's only so much I can take of these corny lyrics and his, frankly, pretty awful singing. The attitude of this album makes it feel aimless after a long while, and the barrage of guest stars feels like Chance just throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks. Most of them feel superfluous and picked at random.

I feel like a lot of these problems could be solved with trimming. You could have had a short and sweet album, but it turned into a long and, at times, painful experience. There are a few songs I like on here, but most of it gets monotonous after a while. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a bad album, but it's definitely not a good one.

5/10

Best Tracks: "Hot Shower" (ft. MadeinTYO & DaBaby), "Roo" (ft. Taylor Bennett & CocoRosie)

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1978

Okay! Time to remind ourselves why the 70s were so damn great.

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I'm not the hugest Olivia Newton-John fan. But even I am able to admit when there's an exception to my rules.

10. "Hopelessly Devoted to You" - Olivia Newton-John

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7433YZ9exRI

It's interesting. On the surface, this seems to me like exactly the type of Olivia Newton-John song I would dislike. But then again, I don't really like any Olivia Newton-John songs but this one, so I guess there really isn't a "type". So why does this one work for me?

Well, I guess it helps that I like Grease as the incredibly corny, fun movie that it is. And I'd argue this song is one of the movie's more underrated moments that comes off surprisingly sincere. I think it's the twang of the guitar, making this almost a country-pop song. And unlike most Olivia Newton-John songs, I feel the chorus with this one. She really sings her heart out here, which you kind of have to do for a title of this scale. It works. And it's also not the only Grease you'll be seeing on this list.

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Sandy?!

9. "You're the One That I Want" - John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKPYe53h78

Again, Grease is a totally cornball movie that can't be taken seriously in the slightest. And this is the crowning moment of the movie. A bunch of 20-30 year olds pretending to be teenagers revealing the moral of the story: change for your man. As I said, don't take the movie too seriously.

This is Olivia Newton-John's best performance. And John Travolta's... well, he tries. The point is that the song is instantly recognizable and catchy, with a relentless chorus. Even if you don't know the movie, you're probably at least aware of this hook. It's the cap-off to a pretty enjoyable movie, and for good reason.

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You won't begrudge me a little bit of dad-rock on here, will you?

8. "Hot Blooded" - Foreigner

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hA2fzvzT_w

Foreigner is one of those bands that is objectively middle-of-the-road with a few great songs. But for some reason, they just resonate with me. Maybe it's Lou Gramm singing his heart out at any given opportunity. Maybe it's the familiar guitar sound. Maybe it's that they sound like a less ambitious version of Boston. But whatever it is, they got it. Come on, who doesn't like this song? It's the ultimate mid-life crisis song. Yeah, I don't know. I just think the chorus kicks, is all.

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I've always wanted to put Billy Joel on one of these lists. Now is the time.

7. "Just the Way You Are" - Billy Joel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaA3YZ6QdJU

Ah, who else was introduced to this song through Shrek? No one? Just me? Anyway...

Billy Joel has always been a hypnotizing lyricist, and this is one of the sweetest love songs about staying complacent I've ever heard.

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard

Hey, same. How 'bout them Broncos?

But really, that's what makes the song work. It's a song with realistic expectations and goals, painting a very real relationship effortlessly. and normally I'm not the biggest soft rock fan, but it really works here. The understatement of the whole song really drives the point home that there's no need for grand gestures, as long as you can accept each other the way you are. Conversely, random sax solos never hurt a song either. I like this song just the way it is.

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I may have to rescind my soft rock comment, specifically for this list...

6. "Baby Come Back" - Player

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn-enjcgV1o

Pretty much impossible to resist the value of this song. It is such a classic, I'm sure everyone and their mother knows it, at least by the chorus. But yeah, another soft rock song I actually enjoy. It helps when the song still has a groove to it, and not just lilting and limp. I can still feel this song, despite its comparatively mellow energy. You could picture John Cusack from Say Anything blaring this on the boombox instead. Maybe if the movie took place ten years earlier.

But yeah, this is a killer song, especially for its genre. I especially love when it picks up towards the end with that guitar. Everything seems to happen at just the right moment and right frequency. Cool.

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OKAY SO WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE SOFT ROCK I WASN'T COGNIZANT THAT HALF THIS FUCKING LIST WAS SOFT ROCK

5. "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" - Meat Loaf

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5hWWe-ts2s

How could I resist this song? It's impossible. Meat Loaf may be kind of a dick, but he sure knows how to put on a performance, even when he his to turn the lights down a little. The theatrics of this song, as with every Meat Loaf song, are incredible, rivaled only by Queen in his heyday. Yet I'm not sure even Queen could pull off the poise and composure it takes to make such a heart-wrenching song as this. Yes, even the "cracker jack box" line. Meat Loaf makes it work. He's so captivating as a performer, and pretty much steals the show with this song.

So yes! Soft rock can be good. Quite frequently, it turns out.

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*shrug*

4. "Dust in the Wind" - Kansas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH2w6Oxx0kQ

May as well beat this joke into the ground even further, right? Okay, do you notice that despite all these songs being gathered under the umbrella term "soft rock", they are all distinctive and serve their own purpose? That's what I'm talking about here. So many songs just do not have that it factor in this genre, but these last four songs I've highlighted do, in very different ways. Take this song for example. It's pretty much unlike anything in the genre. It may be soft rock, but it defies formula by having very minimal instrumentation and letting the song live and die on strings, powerful vocals, and lyrical sentiments. It's a bold move, but somehow it paid off. I'm not the biggest Kansas fan, but between this and "Carry on Wayward Son", they certainly got some well-deserved acclaim.

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Finally! Not a soft rock song. A disco song by white people!

3. "Stayin' Alive" - Bee Gees

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNFzfwLM72c

It would be almost sacrilege not to put this song on a Top 10 list of 1978. Feels just a bit wrong that the biggest disco song of all time is performed by white guys, but it's undeniable the energy that the Gibb brothers bring to this song. It is truly one of the most enduring songs of the era. Everyone and their mother knows this song. It is a tour de force. All this even despite the fact that Barry Gibb sounds like a Tickle Me Elmo on steroids. Which is why I can't usually get into the Bee Gees' music, to be honest. But here, it just works. And I attribute it to the unforgettable groove this song has. Just by the opening notes, you already know what it is. An inimitable star of a song.

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So there's a lot of soft rock on this list. But by the late 1970s, rock was evolving and making its way into the mainstream in all sorts of new ways, paving the way for the weird and wonderful early 80s. One of the clear evolutions was punk rock's path into new wave. For the 1978 year-end, I can't think of a better song to represent that than this one.

2. "Because the Night" - Patti Smith Group

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_BcivBprM0

"Because the Night" is one of those songs that is dearly beloved by the music world. One of those songs that everyone wants to take a stab at. It's a wonderfully gothic song that probably inspired a lot more music in the decades to come than you might originally think. I can draw a clear line between this and new wave, bands like The Cure and The Smiths, and even the Lilith fair rock that came in the 90s. Actually not surprising for that last one, given the 10,000 Maniacs cover. Even artists like Pat Benatar and Cyndi Lauper. This is exactly the brash kind of performance that may have inspired some of the 80s' greatest female stars. It's such a fireball of a track, and more than deserving of a spot on this list.

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Come on.

1. "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" - Queen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNWvNEPsilI

Yeah, it's an obvious choice, but sometimes the obvious choice is also the right one. There was no way this one-two punch wasn't going to top this list. It's Queen. They're great. I shouldn't have to tell you this.

There's a reason this is a sports stadium staple. It's the anthem to end all anthems. It's such a simple concept, stomp-stomp-clap, stomp-stomp-clap. But it works so well. And of course, "We Are The Champions" is the logical track to follow. Just as triumphant, but with even more bombast. Freddie Mercury is one of the greatest singers who ever lived. You feel every word he sings. And it's a mindblowing pair of songs to this day. Rock on forever, Queen.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: May 23, 2020

Looks like The Billboard Hot 100 is daring to get more interesting. Unfortunately, this means we have to deal with the rainbow-haired troll, but hopefully he'll be out of the Top 10 sooner rather than later. Contrary to my belief, that Ariana Grande song is not a cover of Huey Lewis and let me tell you, I couldn't be more disappointed.

Beyond that, not a terribly large amount of movement as older songs start to fade out. "Circles" is still in the Top 10, which is baffling to me, but I guess a downbeat song for downbeat times does make sense when you think about it. And no one's gonna remember "Toosie Slide" in a couple months, so there ya go.

Predictions:

In terms of the two new arrivals, I think "Stuck with U" is here to stay, while "GOOBA" fortunately is not. "ROCKSTAR" appears to have gotten a second wind and I could see it breaking the Top 5. Beyond that, my usual Tiktok predictions are once again climbing after Drake's demo tape bomb fades out. I'll be bold this week and say "Roses" is set for a Top 10 entry next week, especially with the older songs fading.

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: May 16, 2020

All right! Our first real shake-up of the Top 10 in a long time, with the dueling remixes settling in at #1 and #2 respectively. Congrats to Nicki Minaj for getting a #1 hit by completely ruining a song, her fans must be so proud. Beyond that, we also have the surprisingly muted impact of Drake's... demo tape bomb. Guess that's what happens when you lose out to Kenny fucking Chesney."Toosie Slide" actually fell a spot this week. Could Drake's impact be fading?

Regardless, it's nice to see at least one of my predictions come true as DaBaby soars back to the Top 10 with "ROCKSTAR". Also, "Circles" is still here. Why is "Circles" still here?

Predictions:

Most of these changes are short-lived, I reckon. Especially since we have two new songs coming next week and challenging for Top Ten spots. One is "GOOBA" by 6ix9ine, a song which unfortunately exists. Another is Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber's "Stuck with U", which I can only assume is a cover of the Huey Lewis song. Beyond that, the "Roses" remix is probably coming for the Top 10 in the next couple weeks.

The Life of Pablo by Kanye West - ALBUM REVIEW

So, I just covered Taylor Swift's album reputation. I may as well cover the album that led to that album, and reignited the feud between two of the biggest personalities of the 2010s. Now, i'm not going to get into all that drama, because frankly, I truly do not care, and it was a while ago. But I think it's worth it to look at the album with the offending track on its own merits. How does it hold up?

I think many people have accepted that Kanye hasn't been at his peak for a while now. You may have liked Yeezus, and you may have even liked this album. But most people would not put these albums in the top tier of Kanye, and it kind of got worse from there. Now me, I liek this album just fine. It certainly could have been a better experience, but there are some really killer tracks toward the end of this thing.

The way you experience time with this album is weird. The songs near the beginning feel too short, but the album feels too long. I think it's because the first few songs don't really feel like songs, more so like musical experiments. They're interesting, for sure, but it's hard to judge them as songs because they almost feel unfinished. This problem gets solved around the second half of the album, where the songs feel more complete and thought out, and we actually get bars from Kanye. The second half of this album is considerably stronger than the first.

Lotta guest voices on this one. Most of them do their part to enhance the songs, but it also feels like Kanye himself gets lost in the shuffle on some of his songs. It's odd to have that happen with one of the most dynamic personalities in music, and while it still feels like a Kanye album, some of that flair that comes with it gets lost. It's still a good album, but I wouldn't put it anywhere near Kanye's best, and this is a clear indication that Kanye's peak may have passed. Maybe I'll get around to reviewing other Kanye albums (barring that gospel thing, because no) to really track what happened.

7/10

Best Tracks: "Real Friends", "Wolves", "30 Hours", "No More Parties in LA"

reputation by Taylor Swift - ALBUM REVIEW

A while ago, I talked about Taylor Swift's Lover album and how it was her most underwhelming project to date. I bring it up because it is in stark contrast to her previous effort, reputation, which seemed to center around making a statement. You can see it in the very first single, "Look What You Made Me Do", where Taylor straight up says that the old Taylor is "dead". It doesn't get much more clear than that.

I guess what I'm trying to answer here is, does making a statement automatically translate to greatness? It certainly allows for the potential to be great moreso than a milquetoast album like Lover, but big statements have the risk of backfiring just as big. With reputation, what I found was a totally mixed bag.

I am actually for this album on concept alone. I've always liked it when pop stars develop an ego larger-than-life and it's clear that's where Taylor is headed with this album. Having stepped fully into the pop world with her last album, 1989, it only makes sense that she'd try to cultivate a defined personality with reputation. The results may be mixed, but the effort is there.

"Look What You Made Me Do" is the clear standout from the album in the worst possible way. It is baffling just how bad Taylor is at picking her lead singles. I get that this is certainly the most direct song for what she's going for, but it really does sound like ass and should have been left on the cutting board. Songs like "Don't Blame Me" and "I Did Something Bad" get the point of the album across without... sounding like complete ass. Neither of these scream "lead single" either, but maybe the first song on the album, "...Ready for It?" would have made more sense? I dunno, it's a confounding decision.

Amid the cattiness, there stand out some genuinely sweet songs as well that help to cut through the harshness of this album's tones. "Delicate" is just that, a light, airy pop song that effortlessly floats in your brain. The album's closer, "New Year's Day", is also very nice-sounding in its melancholy. "Getaway Car" is a fireball of a song and should have gotten way more attention. That's not to say some of the harsher moments don't work; if they didn't, I wouldn't sign off on this album as a concept. But the balance is key to making this album less jarring.

Speaking of jarring, let's have a song with Ed Sheeran and Future! Yeah, I won't pretend like "Look What You Made Me do" is the only nonsensical choice on this album. As I said, with big risk can come big backfire, and for every good choice, there's a bad one, mostly coming through in the production. A lot of these songs just have these ugly synths slathered over what could have been pretty good songs, ruining the mood. I get that some of this has to be ugly for the concept to work, but you could have toned it down a little.

All that said, is this a more successful album than Lover? I would argue yes, if only for its ambition. It's still far from the best Taylor Swift album, but I could at least envision someone calling this their favourite Taylor Swift album, because the effort and intent are clear. The good and bad moments on this album round out to a middling score.

6/10

Best Tracks: "Delicate", "So It Goes...", "Getaway Car", "New Year's Day"

Top Tensday - Billboard Hot 100 Review: May 9, 2020

Finally, some actual movement in the Top 10! This comes from a number of releases and goings-on in the weeks prior, most notably a Fortnite concert to secure "THE SCOTTS"' place at #1, and a Beyonce remix letting "Savage" rise all the way to #4, something I did not see coming. It sure puts Megan into contention for that #1 spot in the future, which would be a great thing. Honestly, it's just nice to have legitimate competition for that #1 spot now. And as more mainstays fall out, that competition could get even fiercer. Let's talk about that!

Predictions:

As I said, lots of competition for that #1 spot, between Megan, Drake with his new release, and The Weeknd still holding strong. One song that probably won't be in this conversation is "THE SCOTTS", but I'd argue it still has enough residual streaming to at least stay in the Top 10 next week, if not Top 5. Lots of people are gunning for "Savage" to take that #1, but I'll be different and say "Blinding Lights" will still hold on to it, at least for next week.

In non-#1 news, it looks like DaBaby's "Rockstar" has caught on from his new album, so much so that it might re-enter the Top 10 as the album bomb gains have already worn off. This, along with possible Drake entries, will probably spell the end for songs like "Adore You" which are fading out naturally.

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1978

1978! Disco reigns supreme... for better or for worse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_sY2rjxq6M

Now I will go on record as saying I like the 70s, a lot. But there could be an argument made that it was all... a little much at times. And sometimes not enough. We'll go into what all that means once we take a trip to the worst hits of 1978!

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Lot of easy rock this decade... some a bit too easy.

10. "My Angel Baby" - Toby Beau

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBdDbXoKKjk

There's only so much of this I can take, and "My Angel Baby" crosses past the line for me. It's not like this is the worst song ever or anything, but it really doesn't need to exist. A plethora of songs like this exist that tug at the heartstrings more. And I can't get over how non-essential this song is to the conversation. Sorry.

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Wings were not a good band.

9. "With a Little Luck" - Wings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNWFhmNcNUc

1978 was just around the time the world should have started getting majorly sick of Paul McCartney's bullshit coasting off of being a member of the biggest band of all time. Because his own band was really not living up to the hype. I mean, just listen to this. It sounds like a primitive cheesy 80s track, with all those misplaced, misshapen synths. For such an uplifting and well-intentioned song, it sure sounds ugly and uninspired. And The Beatles were really that good, I stand by that. So what happened? I'd argue running out of ideas and forgetting what made The Beatles any good. And maybe Wings just weren't as good musicians, yet just as self-indulgent. Love ya Paul, but my patience has worn thin.

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I mean, she's the daughter of Pat Boone. What can you really expect?

8. "You Light Up My Life" - Debby Boone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmyy-Gmyupc

Yep. Just as squeaky-clean and sterile as you should expect. But what kills me about this song is how earnest it is. It's enough to make you feel bad for the girl, who likely never knew anything outside of Pat Boone's strict Christian upbringing. She's trying to be Barbra Streisand here. but can't quite pull it off. It's really kind of pathetic just how... pathetic she sounds. This song definitely does not light up my life.

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You know, I have to have some level of gratitude to Ray Parker Jr. for making the Ghostbusters theme, which remains an all-time classic. But does that mean I have to like everything he did?

7. "Jack and Jill" - Raydio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha1j2Gqj_xg

Raydio just does nothing for me, much like radio does nothing for anyone else these days. Ha-ha. Anyway, this is quite the simplistic song that tries to modernize Jack and Jill into some beleaguered love story. I really don't think we needed a song like this. If you're going to be silly, go all out, like the Ghostbusters theme! But this? It's just not something I can see anyone getting excited to listen to. Look, it's Jack and Jill. Only they're maybe-lovers now. This is interesting, for some reason. And I presume Little Jack Horner is a recluse, sitting in the corner? Miss Muffet is now lactose-intolerant? Any other ideas? Hopefully not.

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I don't think The Rolling Stones were even that old by this point, but this is a "fellow kids" move if I've ever seen one.

6. "Miss You" - The Rolling Stones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuRxXRuAz-I

Rolling Stones and disco do not go together. This shouldn't even be something that needs to be said, but apparently someone needed to stop this before it happened. The Rolling Stones are a rock band, and while I support genre mixing, disco is not a tool in their wheelhouse, particularly with Mick Jagger's ugly, yelpy voice. Not that the rest of the song works either. These harmonies are fucking terrible, and the instrumentation is all over the place and doesn't match up with the disco beat. If you wanted to make a hard rock song, do that. If you, for some reason, wanted to make a disco song, do that! But don't try both at the same time. Otherwise, you get this, a song I don't think anyone is missing.

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5. "You're in My Heart (The Final Acclaim)" - Rod Stewart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1qxJPzjObI

Is it fair to say that Rod Stewart is an... acquired taste? In any case, one that I certainly have not acquired yet. His croaking voice never resonated with me, like he was always trying too hard to sound soulful. And on a song like this, it's all you can focus on. Because I'm certainly not going to do anything with this production. Or his description of a "big bosomed lady"... yeah, if I don't like his voice, I really don't want to think about him having sex ever. That leads to a whole new set of nightmares. No thank you.

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The problems started before "We Built This City".

4. "Count on Me" - Jefferson Starship

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOMuK7YYxeg

Jesus, I'm sorry. This sounds like the worst kind of 70s cheese. Over-produced, and almost daring to step into the 80s version of cheese. But at least that kind of corniness is usually fun. This is just annoying, and it's disappointing to hear this from the original band that gave us "White Rabbit" and "Somebody to Love". Change can be good, but not when it turns a band from that to this. And I'm not fan of "We Built This City" either, but I'll stand up for that song before I stand up for this white-bread garbage. Count on that.

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3. "Sometimes When We Touch" - Dan Hill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVf940pO5ME

You ever just... see the title of a song, think it sounds like the title of a soap opera, and know that you're not gonna be in for a good time? Yeah, this song lives up to its title's reputation. I'm sorry, I know there's a market for this kind of stuff. But I just can't do it. Not with this man's scratchy, weaksauce voice where the music never builds up to anything. Oh, it tricks you into thinking it's going somewhere. Trust me, it's not. And if you go by my soap opera rule, trust me, you'll find yourself a lot less disappointed when coming across songs like these. Nope, no surprises h-

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees

Whoa, whoa! Dude! What's your damage?

Other than that baffling, threatening couplet which he oddly puts more passion into than anything else in the song, as I said, nothing worth seeking out here.

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I know we're dealing with a global crisis right now. Justin Bieber's latest album. I get it, we all need ample time to heal from it. Remember when he was just a squeaky-clean, aggressively chipper little twerp? Yeah, they definitely weren't short of those in the 70s.

2. "Hey Deanie" - Shaun Cassidy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAuSM-uYWiU

I don't really care as I don't keep up with the career of Shaun Cassidy, but what the hell is this video? The Wonder Years? No, that was a decade later. The Partridge Family? No, that was the other Cassidy brother. Oh yeah, I don't care. Moving on!

This song is pretty much the antithesis to needing a rock n' roll guitar to sound like a real musician. Boy, it's trying to be rock n' roll! As gut-twistingly as it can. But you can't dress up a pig to make it look like a stallion, and it brings me no joy to say that, yes, Shaun Cassidy still gives off major poser vibes here. The biggest crime is that it's not a very interesting song. It works out to, at best, a mediocre rock song, and I can't see why throngs of girls would come screaming for that. I may not be a fan of teen idol singers, but at least play the part if you've got nothing better to offer! And trust me, he doesn't. But you know who should have this year?

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You're one of the most acclaimed guitarists of all time. What is this shit.

1. "Lay Down Sally" - Eric Clapton

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hQqP6RNnDE

Most of these artists on this list, I didn't really have any expectations for. Hell, I don't even like Eric Clapton all that much. But I sure as hell expect a better song from him than doodling around on his guitar for this mid-tempo, barely-melodic, boring song. It's not even that the guitar work is bad, it just doesn't sound impressive at all. This feels like a demo version, and after hearing this time and time again on classic rock stations, I've just given up figuring out what people see in it. Me, I'm changing the station. Possibly to one playing better hits from this year, which we'll get to soon!