All right, the holidays are over and it's back to business for this old clown. That's right, I started a clowning business on the side. Got the big red nose and everything. Pretty ridiculous, right? Well, if you think that's ridiculous... it is. But take a look at this anyway.
Fall Out Boy, what happened? You've gone all... pretentious.
Okay, remember the Fall Out Boy of yesteryear? Not a band you'd typically associate with high art upon first listen. But beyond Patrick Stump's dog wailing and the simple instrumentation, there was a certain appeal to Fall Out Boy. If nothing else, you'd argue that they at least had a pulse-pounding energy to their sound. And on their best songs, they just went with that aspect and took it to the extreme. At their best, they knew their strengths and played them out to their full potential. At their worst? Uh... well.... okay, seriously, what the hell is this "Centuries" song. Boys, pretentiousness is not a good look for you. Maybe it works for Lorde, or Lana Del Rey, and that's great for them! But you guys are supposed to be fun, and I don't think this song is any fun at all. I put their 2013 hit on my best list, but 2013 was a lackluster year for good music and that at least had some good guitar to go with it. This is just full-on pretentiousness. What the hell happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened. After their breakup, the members of Fall Out Boy took some time for themselves and to further their solo careers. Patrick moonlighted as a songwriter, Pete wrote a novel, et cetera, et cetera. Through that time, they all matured and came back together to reinvent themselves as a band. And when you read through the hardships that the band members have went through, it does garner some sympathy for each of them. But I'm sorry, music criticism is music criticism, and if I'm going to do this, I have to do this fairly, based solely on the merits of the song. And I'm sorry, old Fall Out Boy is objectively better. This is just not a good fit for them. At all. It goes against everything Fall Out Boy was good at, and it puts them into a whole new environment that they haven't adapted well to. Fall Out Boy might fall out of my good graces if they continue like this.
Yes, it's that time of year again! ...the beginning. A new year, with new songs to piss me off. But before we get into that, let's take a look at ten shining examples of pop music in 2014, because there were some highlights. If I disliked everything on the Billboard charts, this wouldn't be any fun. It's nice to hear music that deserves to become popular, and does. So without further ado, let's count down the Top Ten Songs of 2014! 10. "The Man" - Aloe Blacc
Yes, I'm aware of what I said about this song. It's boring. It's not very strong lyrically. But I also recall myself praising Aloe Blacc's voice, and really, his voice is what sells this song. I enjoy listening to it because Blacc sounds so sure of himself when he tells us that he's the man. It's enough to make you believe him. Not only that, but his voice is really pleasing to the ear. With a whole bunch of ear poison this year, this is just the song you need as an antidote. You da man, Aloe Blacc. Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am Okay, let's not get carried away here. 9. "Bailando" - Enrique Iglesias ft. Descemer Bueno & Gente de Zona
I expect the odd Spanish song to make its way on the Year-End chart once in a while, especially now with the growing inclusiveness of society. But none have ever struck me quite like this one, and maybe it's just because there weren't as many fun-sounding songs this year. But this got me dancing. And I don't even speak Spanish outside of what I learned from Dora the Explorer. But this song makes me want to dance all the same. So, Bailando! Bailandooooo!
8. "Ain't it Fun" - Paramore
Speaking of fun, I don't think Paramore's ever been more fun to listen to. This song is not only a catchy tune, but it's also deliciously sarcastic and mean. And let's face it, I have a bit of a mean streak, and this song hits it. The gospel singing becomes more and more out of place the more I listen to it, but I really don't care. The rest of this song more than makes up for it. I mean, just listen to it! Ain't it fun!
7. "Habits (Stay High)" - Tove Lo
Yeah, this is probably one of the more obvious picks, but I don't pick songs to throw you for a loop. I pick songs because they're damn good. This is damn good.
It's probably the most out-there party-themed song I've heard. There have been songs as of late that have criticized common themes in pop music, most notably Lorde, but this song is different even from those. It's not really a song criticizing the party life. It's simply a narrative. Yeah, remember when those existed in music? The song tells a story of a girl who is so heartbroken that she has to binge on Twinkies, get high, and party all the time to forget about her ex-lover. And it's told beautifully, through Tove Lo's powerful voice and the dark music. It's a musical masterpiece. However, there were six songs I admired more. Never said I was an elitist.
6. "Happy" - Pharrell Williams
Yeah, yeah, the #1 song in America last year, another obvious choice, boo hoo, get over it. This was the #1 song for a reason: it's probably one of the most uplifting songs you could hear. And it's also a song I thought I was going to get tired of quickly. But no, "Happy" stuck with me throughout the year and I didn't regret it one bit. Pharrell brings such energy to the song that you can't help but tap your foot along each time. It truly is a masterpiece of pop, if only for the more earwormingly catchy aspects. And hey, isn't that all that a pop song needs? Well, maybe the Top 5 have more to offer, but a song just getting by on being relentlessly happy, that's pretty damn good. You should be happy, Pharrell. I am too.
5. "Team" - Lorde
Now it took me a little while longer to hop on the Lorde bandwagon than most, but she truly is the goddess of indie rock that we were looking for. Fed up with modern pop music, Lorde gave us "Royals" and now she gives us this, in which she's kinda over being told to throw her hands up in the air. So there. And you know what? I can criticize Lorde all I want, but I'm pretty sure that she won't care. And not in the sense of "I'm rich and I can do whatever I want" (ahem) but in the sense of "this is who I am, and if you don't like it, that's fine." It's a respectable attitude to take, and I see it constantly in her music. The fact that she's just recently turned 18 is impressive as well. I had no idea of her age when I first encountered her, and it's reassuring to know that we have girls like her to take the future of pop music to whole new levels.
4. "Rather Be" - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne
I did have some criticisms of this song when I first looked at it, and those criticisms still stand. It's too busy and unfocused at some parts. But at least there was effort put into this, rather than succumbing to old tropes like Calvin Harris did this year. And overall, the effort pays off. I like Jess Glynne's vocals, I like the instrumentation despite its flaws, and I like the overall uplifting message the lyrics have.
When I am with you
There's no place I'd rather be
It's just a fun song to listen to, and I can never fault a song for being fun, especially when it's so smartly composed. Kudos to you, Clean Bandit. Let's hear more from you in 2015.
3. "Bang Bang- wait, seriously?!
Okay, how did this sneak onto my list?
"Bang Bang" - Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj
Okay... this one might require some heavy explanation.
I don't know, overall it's just a fun song to listen to. It delivers exactly what it promises, a bang banger to satisfy your stupid pop music craving. It's like a good Katy Perry song; it's mindless, but it does make you pay attention. There are a lot of flaws with this song, probably the most of all the songs on my list. But I can overlook those flaws to find an enjoyable listen, even if the song is stupid. This wasn't so much of an explanation as an admission of guilt, was it? Oh well, either one works. Bang bang away!
2. "Problem" - Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea
Was this seriously a surprise to anybody? I pretty much fell in love with this song the moment I first heard it, and gushed over it appropriately. So I don't even know what else to say here. Everything about it works. It's a pop masterpiece. I'm just reiterating what I've already said. More so than the other entries, I mean.
Well, let's get to my number one pick, which I didn't even review this year. The reason for this had to do with the fact that it crept into the Year End chart at #97, so it wasn't a huge enough hit to fall under my radar. But when I looked over the entire list, I knew it had to be my #1 hit of the year. And if I had to describe it in one word, it would be "redemption".
1. "0 to 100/The Catch Up" - Drake
Remember "Started from the Bottom"? That awful song that made me finally give up on Drake ever embracing his true potential as an artist? Yeah, well, talk about night and day with this song. This is everything "Started from the Bottom" should have been. Introspective, tight, emotional, and relatable. Drake turns from my perpetual punchline into a contender for one of the best rappers of the decade. The lyrics here are some of the best I've heard, and definitely the best I've heard from Drake. He talks about having to grow up quicker than most kids, his understanding of people thinking he's fake, and even admission to his own faults. I get Drake now. I totally understand Drake as an artist now. One song can have that much power. Don't ever think otherwise.
And with that, we say goodbye to 2014, and hope for even bigger and better things this year! My blog is now averaging about 25 views per day, something I'm stoked about! I thank all my readers for your support, and I hope it continues throughout this year.
Well, technically, I did say I would do this every Wednesday of December... so I figured I'd finish things off with the only appropriate Christmas song to play after Christmas: The Twelve Days of Christmas.
Yeah, did you know that the twelve days of Christmas occur after Christmas? So technically, we're still in the midst of them, which makes this song relevant!... and... horrible. I hate this song. I mean, really hate this song. Every incarnation I've ever heard is so monotonous, so pointless, and so annoying that I can't stand it. What's the point of this song? Well, maybe to be fair, I should take a look at the history of the song, given that it's a traditional carol, and therefore must have some religious significance.
...nope! It's just a stupid song about gifts. Okay, this song has no reason to exist. It has no point! Why do I care about gifts that other people get? And the melody just never changes... it's a chore to get through. This is one Christmas carol that I can definitely do without. And with that, have a happy new year! I'll be back in January with my Top 10 of 2014, as well as a whole whack of new songs for 2015!
Welcome back to CanTunes Tuesday! I- "Where's your Top 10 list?" I have the schedule all worked out, just bear with me- "We want to see your Top 10 list!" The Top 10 list is coming, I- "Nobody cares about Canadian music!" All right, SHUT UP! Look, the Top 10 list will be coming on Friday, all right? FRIDAY! Now then... in the spirit of Canada, let's all take a deep breath, apologize, and- "We want to see your Top 10 list!"
Moving on... Okay, so Burton Cummings. Canadian music legend. The Guess Who under his belt, one of the most iconic Canadian rock groups. So how does his solo career fare? Does he have songs that measure up to the caliber of "New Mother Nature" and "American Woman"? Well, there's only one way to find out: let's look at one such song, "Stand Tall"!
In late 1976, "Stand Tall" became Burton Cumming's biggest solo hit in America, peaking at #10 on the Hot 100 and #2 on the Adult Contemporary chart. So what's the song about? Well, it's about heartache: Never been this blue Never knew the meaning of a heartache But it's also about getting over heartache, and putting your emotions into perspective:
Stand tall, don't you fall For God's sake don't go and do something foolish All you're feeling right now is silly human pride While life might get you down, it's important to put your problems into perspective. The feelings of heartbreak will pass, so don't throw your life away. It's a good message, and a great song. Something meaningful and relevant to a lot of people. Looks like Burton Cummings was just fine on his own!
This year being the first I've fully scrounged through, from January right to December, I'm more excited than ever to reveal my Bottom 10 picks for the year! Now, as a refresher, these songs come strictly from Billboard's Year End chart of 2014. They are the most popular and most prevalent bad songs of the year. Maybe shit stunk worse, but shit did not stink more often. Now a lot of these songs will be repeated from earlier blog posts this year, but that's the function of this post: I hated a lot of songs this year, but which ones did I hate the most? Let's find out in 3... 2... 1... 10. "Classic" - MKTO
A lot of the time, songs that end up on this list start out as "meh", but when I really think about it, I really start to loathe them. I mostly criticized the lyrics in my initial review, but these lyrics are serious problems. They're just so shallow, vapid and meaningless. And while I praised the music in my initial review of the song, this is reminding me more and more of Glee. I hate Glee. In fact, I really hate Glee. Here's how you stay off this list: don't remind me of Glee. 9. "Don't Tell 'Em" - Jeremih ft. YG
...Okay, I'm reading this review over. Before I talk about the song... what the hell is this: "but he's kind of like the bay of hale with a needle in it, in terms of personality" What's a bay of hale? You got me. I guess I must have been exceedingly tired when I wrote this. Probably just tired of Jeremih continuing to be recognized. Why? We don't need this guy around. He's not interesting, he's not creative, and partnering with perpetually uninteresting producer DJ Mustard just lowers his credibility even further. We really don't need you in 2015, Jeremih. Please go away. 8. "Burnin' it Down" - Jason Aldean
Look, I don't think it's much of a secret that I don't exactly have a liking for modern country music. But for all the faults of Florida Georgia Line, at least they sound like they're having fun with their music. Jason Aldean sounds like he hates country music as much as I do. Again, I think I dismissed this song earlier as being "not that bad" back in August, but the more I thought about it, the more I resented just how generic and uninteresting this song is. This is seriously the most boring country song I've ever heard! I've heard stupid country songs coming out the wazoo, and at least I can just shake my head at those ones. But this? I don't have a clue what to do with this. It just sits there without doing anything and it doesn't give you anything to like about it. Also, the "burnin' it down" thing still gets me. Does your girlfriend have chlamydia? Seriously, help me out here. 7. "Best Day of My Life" - American Authors
Oh yeah, now here's a song I disliked from the get-go. I remember the day when American Authors created one of the worst days of my life with "Best Day of My Life". This song just offers nothing to me. It's vapid, shallow, almost pandering in its simplicity. It still sounds like a kid's song, and a bad kid's song at that. I need to lose at least a few brain cells to be able to enjoy this one. 6. "A Sky Full of Stars" - Coldplay
Now this one actually hurts a little, because I actually used to like Coldplay. I could see where the criticism came from, but at least they had their own thing! This is Coldplay trying on EDM, and it goes over about as well as that skinny 9th-grader trying on a football uniform. If Coldplay was boring before, they are seconds away from death now. Never have I heard a Coldplay song more disposable than this one. Hell, this might be one of the worst EDM songs I've ever heard. 5. "Summer" - Calvin Harris
Oh, right, right. There was also this "summer anthem" that turned out to be dead on arrival. And when you put Calvin Harris at the wheel, you can't expect much more than that. This song offers nothing. Calvin Harris just sucks, and I'm almost glad winter is here so that this song has even less relevance. Next! 4. "Stay With Me" - Sam Smith
Uh... that intrigue I was feeling when this song came out? Gone, gone, gone. Forget about it. Sam Smith is a boring artist, and this song is less intriguing and moreso just confused. And if it was enjoyable to listen to, that would be one thing. But this song is so boring I have less to say about it than a Calvin Harris song. That's pretty damn bad. Stay away from "Stay With Me". 3. "Show Me" - Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown
Have you ever heard the anti-pickup line in music? I have... but I don't know what it is right now. No, I do know. It's that stupid line, and that line makes up the hook of this song. And that says all you need to know about "Show Me". It's a horrendously stupid song with unbelievably unlikable artists, and to top it all off, MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HOE, a lyric I may actually hate more this year. So much failure in one song, and yet so much success on the charts. Gag me. 2. "Trumpets" - Jason Derulo
I wish there was a single word I could use to describe how much I hate this song. As is, the only thing I can say that accurately show how much I hate it is that I think it's the worst Jason Derulo song. That's pretty big, and I don't think I need to say much more. Well, that, and it was advised by my doctors that I stop commenting on Jason Derulo. Probably for the best. Well, without further ado, let's get to #1! What could possibly be worse than "Trumpets"? 1. "Animals" - Maroon 5
"What?" you're asking. "Some dopey Maroon 5 song is worse than that terrible Jason Derulo track? Have you lost your damn mind?" Yes... and maybe. But let's get into why I hate this song so much that it is my pick for the worst hit song of 2014. Once upon a time, Maroon 5 was a band that, if nothing else, could at least be called a band. They had their own styles, and actually some pretty good songs. Somewhere along the line, that changed. I don't know exactly what happened, but the word "sellout" is sometimes thrown around for these guys, and with good justification. These guys are so ingrained into pop music sludge that I don't think they'll ever get out at this point. Speaking of points, this song has none. Listening to it more and more, it stops being about anything, merely serving as an example of Adam Levine's incompetence to write anything with any sort of emotion anymore. Maybe if this were creepy, I would like it more, because at least then it would have a point. But the music overshadows the lyrics in such a way that it just sounds like nothing. Nothing at all. And though some would argue that sounding like nothing is still better than sounding like Jason Derulo, I would rather have his gross, despicable personality around than this hunk of empty space any day. Maroon 5, go away.
Hey everybody! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Well, in Canada, the day after Christmas is known as Boxing Day. Think of it as a Christmas Black Friday. So, for today's pick, I've decided to go with "Gangsta Lean" by DRS. No thematic connection, just wanted to see if anybody measured up to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony.
You see, both groups had their biggest hit mourning the loss of a friend through R&B crooning. So the comparison is natural. How does DRS measure up to a hit that came two years later? Well, despite similarities, the songs are also very different. "Crossroads" goes all over the place, while "Gangsta Lean" tends to stick to one tone. Each stylistic choice suits the song well, but each also hinders it a little. "Crossroads", while an incredibly engaging song throughout, has the tendency to lose me a few times through its fast-paced lyric-spitting. And "Gangsta Lean", while seeming more like a mourning song, doesn't do as much to distance itself musically from, say, a Boyz II Men song about boning a chick. So each has their highlights and their flaws. Which is the superior song? My love for creativity is telling me to go with "Crossroads", but I honestly think that "Gangsta Lean" gets the job done better. It sets the mood through its music and lyrics, and the singers sound like they're giving it their all. You really hear the heartbreak over their friend's death. So there we have it, the last Flashback Friday of 2014. But I can't help but feel there's some unfinished business...
...what? What are you doing back? I thought I got rid of you!
AHHH! Bad country and worse country! Take your pick as to who's who!
AHHHH! NOT THE BUTTS! NOT THE BUTTS! THEY'RE IN MY SOUL! MY SOOOUUUUULLLL Coming soon: The worst hit songs of 2014
Merry Christmas Eve, everybody! Welcome to another installment of Winter Wonderland Wednesday! Hey, you know what's weird? Women sexualizing Santa.
Not that I don't support the equal sexualization of both genders, but... Santa? Really? A schlubby, old, white-bearded fat guy who lives up in the cold, un-steamy North? Not to mention that he's married? Oh well, to each their own. There's been many a cover of "Santa Baby", even a rap version that I actually really like. But after taking a crack at the song herself (uh... tread lightly, because this version is not that great) Ariana Grande has written a new Christmas song this year called "Santa Tell Me", which doesn't deal with Santa as the object of her affection, but simply a means to get to the object of her affection.
It's interesting, to say the least. You don't hear very many newly written Christmas carols fighting their way into the common scope these days. The last one to really break through doing that was Mariah Carey, and... well, I guess if anyone can follow it up, it's this decade's Mariah Carey. So how's the song? It's cute enough. It's essentially a song about a crush, with Santa Claus thrown into the mix to make it Christmas-y. That's not to say it's poorly conceived, though. I think it works rather well. That said, I don't think this song will be as enduring as Mariah Carey's powerful contribution. It's cute, but that's pretty much it. It doesn't have much of a commanding presence, and there's really no reason for it to stick around next year as a result. But for this year? Yeah, I'm happy I got to hear it. It's a decently catchy, different song worthy of my holiday time. With that said, have yourselves a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Kwazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-top Tet, and a solemn and dignified Ramadan.
Uh, I've talked about Celine Dion here before, right?
Ah yes, "Because You Loved Me". Oh man... I was pretty rough with Celine Dion. All things considered, her heart's in the right place. I just wish her disposition was a little more bearable. I mean, she can sing. She just doesn't sing about things that are relevant to me, or even specific. Hell, if she did a party song, I'd probably be on board!
Eh... I guess this is close enough. I'm not sure how well Celine's voice meshes with the gospel choir, but at least this song has a pulse to it. And Celine, God bless her soul, is trying, if half-heartedly. Maybe love could move molehills, at least. It's just kind of interesting to hear an artist that is famous for slow, meandering love songs to pump it up a little. I mean, it's still authentically Dion, and I wouldn't ask her to completely abandon her style. But this does have a more energy than many of her other songs, and I can't fault it for that. I guess Celine Dion's okay overall. Not an artist I'd listen to on a regular basis, but I don't think her presence in pop history is exactly harmful to the public, either. Maybe I'm just feeling charitable because it's Christmas time.
You know, I like Ed Sheeran's new angle just fine, but I also feel that he may be straying a bit too far from his roots. Sensitive, soulful cutie-pie roots. Where's a good balance between the two? I'd say it's this song.
"Thinking Out Loud" is my favourite Ed Sheeran song. It combines what was good about old Ed Sheeran, and what's good about new Ed Sheeran. Essentially, it's Ed Sheeran, fully refined. So, to understand where I'm coming from, let's go over both sides of Ed Sheeran again. What works about them, and what doesn't work about them.
So let's start with old Ed Sheeran first. This one was a certified sweetheart. He knew how to write songs about girls and for girls. And dammit, his cheeks just looked so pinchable while he was doing it! The cheeks on his face, I mean.
Okay, so it's obvious what works here. He's got that soulful cuteness that's bound to make all the girls swoon. But it also puts him in a position of being typecast as an artist, because many of his earlier singles sounded the same. Acoustic guitar, crooning voice, sweet lyrics. Fine if that's what you're aiming for, but it doesn't give you a whole lot of range.
Fast forward to April 2014, where Sheeran releases the debut single off his new album, x. That new single is called "Sing".
Well, it's certainly more exciting and a hell of a lot different from his older stuff. But the problem with "Sing" and his other experimental songs kind of stem from the problems with his older music: he's already built up this reputation, and that makes the new Ed Sheeran kinda hard to buy. I like "Sing". I like it a lot, in fact. But my affinity for that song doesn't completely erase my disbelief that Ed Sheeran is now this suave, funky musician that wants to get it on. His reputation precedes his newest album. So this is where his newest hit, "Thinking Out Loud", comes in. I think it bridges the gap between old and new perfectly. It kind of starts out that way, too. It's slow and meandering, like an old Sheeran song, but the guitar also sounds more lively, like a new Sheeran song. This is exactly the song that Sheeran needs for me to really get into him as an artist. With more songs like this, he might just supersede his reputation without being too alienating. But I'm just thinking out loud.
Do you remember when I talked about The Temptations?
Remember when I went over their single "I Wish it Would Rain" back around Valentine's Day, and how I said it perfectly summed up feelings of people who may not have a significant other that day? Well, just in time for Christmas... here's a song that does not connect thematically whatsoever. "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone", everybody!
This one's a little bit longer than our first offering. About nine minutes longer. But who's counting? When you have awesome music like this, there's no need to look at the clock! Indeed, this is a long song, but it's well worth it to take a listen if you have the time. The instrumentals on this song are just great. With the thumping bass, the wailing horns, and the rattling drums, it sets the Motown scene perfectly. "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone" tells a narrative that revolves around a group of siblings asking their mother questions about their father. They demand to know if the things that they have heard about their smeared father are true. And every time, Mama simply replies, Papa was a rolling stone Wherever he laid his hat was his home And when he died, all he left us was alone Oh yeah, uh, he's dead, too. This song is just so full of emotion, and the lyrics combined with the vocal performances in particular really sell that emotion. The mother's words really convey a world-weary disposition, but also someone who wants to protect her kids from bad images of their father. The siblings, meanwhile, are distraught and want answers. Unfortunately, all they get is the chorus, despite the detail they go into with what they hear about their dad. A drinker, a lecherous pervert, even a criminal. A hypocritical one at that. Heard them talking about Papa doing some store front preachin' Talked about saving souls and all the time leeching Dealing in death, and stealing in the name of the Lord Long story short, Papa doesn't exactly resemble a poster boy for good morals. What's interesting about the mother's choral reply is that she doesn't try to praise Papa all too much. She just spares her children the details. Based on the chorus, Papa still sounds like a scumbag. But maybe the mother doesn't detail too much information because she not only wants her kids to forget about Papa, but she herself does as well. She just wants the problem, and the questions, to leave. While the instrumentals are funky, I think the true heart of the song lies in the singers. The story is great, and it's told well through voice and through lyrics. It's a great song that deserves to be twelve minutes long.
