Flashback Friday: "All For Love" - Bryan Adams/Rod Stewart/Sting (1994)

Lighters up?

I don't know, what's an appropriate response to three awesome artists recording something mediocre? Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting have never sounded so phony, so distant from emotion... and one of those guys made this!

I'd like to talk smack about this song, but there's relly not much to talk about. It's just such a dull, lifeless tune... it's a charity single without the charity.

Of course, it just seems like a dreadfully boring song on the surface. What if we took a deeper look into "All for Love"? That is, look at the lyrics? Maybe there are some hidden gems to be found. Maybe there's a diamond in the rough terrain of boring ballad. Maybe I'm trying to beef up this review. Whatever the outcome, let's take a look.

When it's love you give 
I'll be a man of good faith. 
Then in love you live. 
I'll make a stand. I won't break.
I'll be the rock you can build on, 
be there when you're old,

to have and to hold. 

Zzzzzzzzz... sorry, what was I reviewing again? Oh yeah. *falls back asleep*

These have got to be some of the sappiest, cheesiest lyrics ever written, and one of those guys also wrote this! No, forget it. Forget it. I am not wasting any more energy on this. If a sellout track is what Rod Stewart and Sting wanted (Bryan Adams was pretty much already there at the time), then a sellout track is what they get. I hope you're happy, America.

"Happy" - Pharrell Williams

I like Pharrell.

Everything he's been in, whether it be good or bad, he always seems to shine. Even in the atrocity that was "Blurred Lines", he delivered with his woos. But you know, I've been mulling it over, and I've discovered that I've never actually heard a Pharrell song where he's on his own.

Until now, with his song "Happy".

This is an interesting one, mostly because of the publicity stunt. What I'm talking about, in case you're wondering, is this:

All the videos together add up to a 24-hour video of people dancing to this song. Hey, it's at least interesting. I don't know how people have the time to watch even one video, though.

But I'm not here to critique publicity stunts. I'm here to critique songs. So does "Happy" make me feel happy? Well... uh...

It's okay.

I don't know, it's not that great of a song. It's pretty repetitive, and Pharrell doesn't seem to be singing up to par. He almost sounds restrained, actually.

But I can't find much more to hate about this song. I mean, I'd have to be a real grumpypuss to hate it. The title of the song is "Happy"! And in the right mood, I can find myself dancing to this. Anyway, it's better than the last two current songs I reviewed (although almost anything would have to be), but it's nothing special to me. If you're already happy, yeah, this song will maintain your mood. If you're not... you might just be better off listening to "Everybody Hurts" or something.

Flashback Friday: "New Kid in Town" - The Eagles (1977)

I love The Eagles.

In an era where most rock bands were awesome with a capital A, The Eagles certainly have their fair share of my appreciation. They were very versatile, I think, going between power-driven song like "Life in the Fast Lane" and slower, mellower songs like this one. This song is probably one of their better, because it sounds so soothing, but really, it's bitter as hell.

The song starts off with this new kid coming to town, and already there's pressure on him.

Great expectations, everybody's watching you

Everybody loves you, so don't let them down

There's a "love" element in this song also... I don't know, that part doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

You look in her eyes; the music begins to play 

Hopeless romantics, here we go again 

But after awhile, you're lookin' the other way 

It's those restless hearts that never mend

Will she still love you when you're not around? 

There's so many things you should have told her, 

but night after night you're willing to hold her, 

Just hold her, tears on your shoulder 

It's just a wee bit confusing to me. Who's falling out of love with whom now. Of course, young love is confusing anyway, so I'm willing to let that slide, especially since that's not the bitter climax of the song:

You're walking away and they're talking behind you 

They will never forget you 'til somebody new comes along 

Where you been lately? There's a new kid in town

Uh-oh. Looks like some thunder is being stolen.

This is a great commentary on how fickle society can be. They see someone or something new, they have to have it or know about it. Hell, the guy even loses the girl to this newcomer.

Now he's holding her, and you're still around

You can't help but feel sorry for this not-so-Johnny-come-lately-anymore. He was on top of the world with his newcomer status, but now that there's an even newer guy in town, everything's been taken away from him and he's crushed.

There's a new kid in town 

I don't want to hear it 

There's a new kid in town 

I don't want to hear it

I like how the song shifts perspectives from the narrator to the main character. All in all, great song, great band.

"Drunk in Love" - Beyoncé ft. Jay-Z

A new Beyoncé song. Yippee...

Whatever, I'm really over Beyoncé after more than a decade of listening to her. She tries to sell her mediocre lyrics with an over-the-top personality, but it just does not work for me. And nowhere is her overcompensating more noticeable than here, in "Drunk in Love", or should I say "Druhuuuuunk in Lohohohohohohove".

At least being drunk in love is a better topic for a song than, well, almost any of her other songs, but there's one major problem I have with it:

We already have a "Crazy in Love". We don't need a "Drunk in Love", especially when "Crazy in Love" is far and away Beyoncé's best song! Seriously, both of them even have Jay-Z as a guest rapper. We get it, guys. You're in love with each other and your situation and life is perfect blah blah blah. No, no, don't start complaining again, Jay. It's okay.

Okay. Well, if I liked "Crazy in Love", then logic says I should like its carbon copy too, right? Well, here's the thing: they're not carbon copies. "Crazy in Love" was upbeat, fun, catchy, sexy. "Drunk in Love", meanwhile, just kind of slogs along, kind of like a drunk person. It's less sexy and more so "they're having sex on an off night". But God damn if Beyoncé doesn't try to liven things up with her powerful singing voice. Unfortunately, there's no saving these lyrics:

Boy, I'm drinking,

Park it in my lot 7-11

Haha, parking lot! 7-11! Is Beyoncé going to take a "Big Gulp"? I think I pushed it too far. Anyway, "parking lot" means her ass. She's comparing her booty to a disgusting, unpleasant 7-11 parking lot. Well, it's her song, I guess...

We woke up in the kitchen saying,

"How the hell did this shit happen?"

Man, this song is not only unsexy, it's downright unromantic! Beyoncé's really taking the "drunk" thing to the next level. Seriously, this just should have been called "Drunk". It would explain the 7-11 reference... somewhat.

The only part of Beyoncé's that I like is the "surfboard" metaphor, which I actually think is pretty well done.

Graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood
I'm swerving on that, swerving, swerving on that big body

Been serving all this, swerve, surfing all in this good, good

If only it were in a better song, that's all. Say, how about that "big body"? How's his rap verse?

Hold up
That D'USSÉ is the shit if I do say so myself
If I do say so myself, if I do say so myself

Hold up,

Ladies and gentlemen: Jay-Z has stopped caring.

He's one of the richest rappers of all time, so he can just say whatever crap he wants and he knows it won't affect his paycheck. I thought he was kind of lazy in "Holy Grail", but this is just inexcusable:

Baby no I don't play, now eat the cake, Anna Mae

Said, "Eat the cake, Anna Mae!"

We sex again in the morning, your breasteses is my breakfast

Step down, Jay-Z. Step down, and let the rappers who still care take your place. (Seriously, what the hell is that last line? "Breasteses"?)

No, I don't like this song. It's just not very pleasant to listen to. Jay-Z's stopped trying, Beyoncé tries too much in one specific area, and it just doesn't work. Enjoy your love life, guys. Just stop making songs about it if they're going to be like this.

Flashback Friday: "I Wish It Would Rain" - The Temptations (1968)

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! You know, Valentine's Day is a time for love, for passion, for showing how much you... aw, who am I kidding with this bullshit? Valentine's Day sucks!

Whatever manufactured "love" this holiday generates, the mood always seems to be lost on people like me. Sometimes, I just wish that it would rain! (Or at this point, anything but snow.) And when I wish for it to rain, well, I just turn to my good friends, The Temptations.

The Temptations, for those who don't know (and if you know anything about music, why do you not know?) are an American Motown vocal group best-remembered for their hits in the 60s and 70s. I say "are" because they're still around today, albeit under a very different lineup. Otis Williams is the only surviving original member of the group, but they're still releasing new albums today.

Anyway, back to this song. It's perfect for someone experiencing heartbreak. The sounds in the song, such as thunder to accompany the rain, are done beautifully. The whole "man wanting to hide his tears" thing also works as a secondary reason for it to rain. And of course, David Ruffin and the rest of The Temptations just deliver. Ruffin says he doesn't want to show himself crying, but you can almost hear him breaking down into tears. This is passion and heartbreak at its finest, something we scarcely get today. I guess there's Adele, but she hasn't released anything in a while. Anyway, try and have a happy Valentine's Day, even if you don't have anyone with you. There are plenty of songs for that breed.

"Talk Dirty" - Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz

You know, I don't even know why I get my hopes up.

Because for every Michael Jackson there will be a Vanilla Ice, for every Biggie Smalls there will be a Hanson, and for every Lorde, there will be a Jason Derulo. Not to mention his rapping compadre, 2 Chainz.

Okay, so here's the premise of the song: Jason Derulo travels to countries, but doesn't bother to learn any languages spoken in the countries he goes too. But it's okay, because

Your booty don't need explaining

Geeeauuuugggggh.

No, the only thing he apparently needs to understand is when his latest chick is talking dirty to him. Given the path the song takes, girls tend to talk to Jason Derulo in the form of a badly played trumpet. Hey, it's better than I'd expect.

Look, some guys have game. Some musicians have game. Jason Derulo, on the other hand, has a long history of not having any game whatsoever. He can't even apologize correctly.

(From "Whatcha Say":)

Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
But when I become a star we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you

"Hey girl, don't worry about my cheating (yes, this is part of an "apologizing for cheating" song). I'll be getting so much money when I become a star, I can just buy your forgiveness! I have no respect for your feelings whatsoever, is what I'm saying here. WHATCHA SAAAA-AY"

So it shouldn't really come as any surprise to me that this latest song by Jason Derulo doesn't exactly have him improving his game.

I'm that flight that you get on, international

Comparing yourself to an airplane flight = comparing yourself to a long, stressful, uncomfortable experience. I'm sorry, did I hit the mark?

I got lipstick stamps on my passport

Why? Did she not want to kiss your slimy face?

You know the words to my songs
No habla inglés

Wha-what? What does this mean? When did you ever say that in a song? No, I'm not going to look it up, and please don't tell me if he did, because I'd like to live my life with as little Jason Derulo as possible.

Our conversations ain't long
But you know what is

Jesus, dude. This is not subtlety.

And speaking of lack of subtlety, here's 2 Chainz with a guest rap verse!

Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"

I didn't think 2 Chainz could top himself from that line in "Birthday Song":

She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty

And to be honest, he still hasn't. But that comes pretty close. Are you incapable of noticing anything in a woman other than her butt, dude? I get that you're an "ass man", but just once I'd like to see you rapping about, I don't know, a woman's personality.

She got a sense of humour so I call her Sense of Humour

On second thought, leave the cerebral thinking to other rappers.

Chest to chest, tongue on neck
International oral sex

I... I don't know. Either he has a very low opinion of his audience, or he's just a terrible lyricist.

"Got her saved in my phone under..." this song sucks! It's lifeless, stupid, inane, and garbage. I mean, I wouldn't want to be with either of these guys if I were a girl, so what's the story here? How did this song become so popular? Is there a douchebag market I'm missing out on?

Ugh, let's get back to good music next week. Please?

Flashback Friday: "Jenny Take a Ride!" - Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels (1966)

Yes, let's take a ride back to the 1960's, where Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels were stirring things up in... well, Detroit.

This song had the crossover appeal to make Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels the first rock band to top the R&B charts. And I can definitely see where the appeal comes from. Even as I review this at 8:00 in the morning, I'm still tapping my fingers to this song as I hear it. It rocks.

Even though the lyrics kind of make this guy sound like a jerk.

Oh, I'm goin', 
With my baby, 
And I won't be,
Back till fall, yeah. 
And if I find me a new girl, 

I won't be back at all. 

Whoa. Well, at least you're direct about it. I'd not relay that info to your "baby" though, or she might just leave you there herself.

But no matter what the lyrics might suggest, this is at least a toe-tapper. And what a toe-tapper it is. After hearing Mitch Ryder belt out the chorus, you want to take Jenny's place in going along with him.

What this song really is is it's a testament to how good music can save mediocre lyrics. Hell, if the band is called "Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels", and the song is called "Jenny Take a Ride!", how seriously are you supposed to take the lyrics anyway? You can probably guess what the subject matter is going to be, which is to say not much.

Spinnin', spinnin', spinnin', 

Spinnin' like a spinnin' top. 

Indeed. But you can also probably guess that's it's going to be an upbeat song full of fun. And on both forefronts, you'd have guessed right. So I guess I have to dislike this song now for being predictable? Nah. "Jenny Take a Ride!" is a great song for when you just wanna boogie a little.

"Pompeii" - Bastille

You know, when you're reviewing pop music and Billboard hits, you tend to get a general idea of what types of songs become popular and what types do not. But since around 2012, fluke hits like "We Are Young" and "Somebody That I Used to Know" became part of the norm. Even so, I don't really understand why this is in the Top 10.

It's not like it's a bad song, or people shouldn't be listening to it. But especially in this day and age, this song doesn't appear to have any star power. I mean, why this and not Imagine Dragons' "On Top of the World"? Where's the mainstream appeal here? Well, I'm going to try and find out.

I guess that one thing "Pompeii" has going in its favour is the "eh-oh, eh-oh" thing it's doing that makes it very easy to sing along to, even if you don't know any other lyrics. It's also got kind of an optimistic tone, ironic since the lyrics strip away any optimism, quite literally actually.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I'm honestly kind of getting "Wake Me Up!" vibes from some of these lyrics, though:

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

But it's okay, because while "Wake Me Up!" was trying (and failing) to bring about an optimistic attitude, "Pompeii" appears to use this sort of idea as an escape from all the badness around them, which makes a lot more sense and is a lot more relatable.

Upon retrospect, this song has a lot going for it actually. It tells an interesting story, is catchy, and doesn't necessarily end on a happy note, making the song a lot more real. Yeahk I give this song a thumbs up. Boy, this is a good run of songs! I wonder what else is in the Top 10?

Well, a streak can only go so far. Next week... next week.