Bottom 10 Songs of 2013

Hello there. On this blog, I've reviewed many a bad song. But given that I started in October, there are many bad songs I didn't get the chance to review. So bad, in fact, that they are the worst of the year! For this list, I consulted the Year-End Chart to find the 100 most popular songs of 2013. And of those 100, I picked 10. 10 songs that I hope to never, ever hear again, because of how bad they are. This is a true countdown, because it's just gonna keep getting worse. But in the interest of finding out what really stunk this year, here are the bottom 10 songs of 2013!

10. "Wake Me Up!" - Avicii

I've already covered this song, but here's a short recap: There's been a lot of EDM this year. Some good, some bad. But none as incompetent, confusing, and effortless as this. It's like they weren't even trying with the lyrics. Of the few I can make sense of, they don't sound as inspirational as the music would have you believe:

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

"I have a dream." - Martin Luther King Jr.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." - JFK
"Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, but that's fine by me." - Avicii

Even the part of the song where the title comes from: "Wake me up when it's all over"? If you're going for a sad, despondent song, don't pump it up with folksy guitar and some kind of overblown techno riff. By the way, Avicii actually does very little work on this song. He doesn't sing (Aloe Blacc) or play the guitar (Incubus' Mike Einziger). Of course, I wouldn't want to be credited on this song either, but holy shit man. Way to take all the credit for playing the same 4-second loop over and over at different frequencies.

9. "Cups (Pitch Perfect's When I'm Gone)" - Anna Kendrick

This girl was not ready for a singing career. Everything about this song is very safe, even the cup percussion, which is at least an interesting idea, but doesn't execute well at all. If there was ever a song not to promote a movie, this barrage of bland is it. Hell, why doesn't Rebel Wilson release a hit song? That might actually be interesting. I never want to watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup", but it can't be much worse than "1 Girl, Too Many Fucking Cups and Not Enough Interest".

8. "Come & Get It" - Selena Gomez

Selena, let's just get right to the point here: what the fuck are you doing?

When you're ready come and get it
Na na na na

I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure this song is supposed to be "sexy". So why does the chorus sound like a mother cooking for her eight children? All that's missing is the dinner bell.

You ain't gotta worry, it's an open invitation
I'll be sittin' right here, real patient
All day, all night, I'll be waitin' standby
Can't stop because I love it, hate the way I love you
All day, all night, maybe I'm addicted for life, no lie.

I couldn't even single anything out from this shit verse because it just sucks that badly. You're just gonna be... sitting there? That's what you want us to imagine? Sitting and waiting? Jack Johnson at least threw "wishing" in there.

And baby once I get it, I'm yours no take backs.

"No take backs"? What, is this a game on the schoolyard now? Punch buggy DIE.


One more awful thing this song does is show just how limited Selena Gomez's vocal range is. Listening to her sing the bridge is less painful and more just straight pathetic. I sometimes criticize artists for playing it safe with their vocals, but honey, play it safe. Go & stay away from "Come & Get It".

7. "Started From the Bottom" - Drake

You know, one thing Drake fails to do again and again and again is SHOW SOME GODDAMN EMOTION. For God's sake, this song is to you what "Juicy" was to Biggie Smalls and you sound like your aunt just died or something!

Not that it really deserves the clout Biggie gives "Juicy", because these lyrics are absolute garbage. You see, this is a song about how Drake came up from the lowest of the low. The worst of the worst. And he rose to the top, and became the best-selling artist he is today. And how does he show it in his chorus?

Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here

You suck. You really, really suck.

Okay, well, that's just the chorus. Maybe, as in "Juicy", he details some of the problems at "the bottom".

Working all night, traffic on the way home

OH MY GOD, NOT TRAFFIC ON THE WAY HOME! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Seriously, the worst that it gets is he argues with his mom and he borrows his uncle's car. And then the second verse is just:

Boys tell stories about the man
Say I never struggled, wasn't hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga
I could turn your boy into the man
There ain't really much I hear that's poppin' off without us, nigga
We just want the credit where it's due
I'm a worry about me, give a fuck about you
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
I wear every single chain, even when I'm in the house

Well, given your rebuttal of "I HAD TRAFFIC ON THE WAY HOME", I can imagine why people might not think you didn't have it too rough. That, and your starring role on FUCKING DEGRASSI.

We don't like to do too much explaining

Ay, there's the rub.


I'm spending way too much time on this moron. Even the music is boring. It sounds like something you'd use to put your baby to sleep. What the hell is #6?

6. "I Knew You Were Trouble" - Taylor Swift

Oh right, there was this, the quintessential Taylor Swift song. And that's about as far from a compliment as I can get. The problem with this song is that the lyrics are depressing, but for some reason this sounds like a happy song, with the bouncy guitar. I can't understand why, but it's just another problem to add to what I think is the worst Taylor Swift song of all time.

5. "Scream & Shout" - will.i.am ft. Britney Spears

I don't think I need to tell you why will.he.stop.making.music featuring legendary has-been Britney Spears sucks. But I will anyway. Actually, the lyrics themselves do a perfect job:

I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out
And scream, and shout, and let it out

Yep. That's exactly what I want to do whenever I hear this toxic waste pit for the ears.

Everybody let's lose control

Control of competence, songwriting, and music completely lost, yes.

Let's let it blow, blow, blow

And blow it does.

It goes on and on and on and on

Unfortunately.

Look, there's nothing about this that even has an ounce of good. In fact, every time I listen to it, I can find a new thing wrong with it. Boring beat, terrible chorus, awful vocals, lack of effort,

4. "We Can't Stop" - Miley Cyrus

Much like will.i.am's song goes on, and on, and on and on, Miley Cyrus can't stop. Oh, why do the bad ones never go away?

In my first review on this blog, I praised "Wrecking Ball". But now I think the song is terrible, and the only reason I can think of for liking it in he first place is that at least it wasn't this. Some may find "Wrecking Ball" worse than this, and I can respect those people. But the reason this song scores so low for me is that on those long nights in 2013 when insomnia struck me, what song would play over and over again in my head?

THIS. FUCKING. ONE.

I could not escape it. I could not break free of the world's most depressing party song violating my ears. I pounded the pillow. Make it stop, make it stop, for the love of Virgin Mary, MAKE. IT. STOP.

So "Wrecking Ball" came around and wasn't nearly as infectious, and I embraced "Wrecking Ball". Upon retrospect, not that it had any merits of its own, but that it was not "We Can't Stop". I can respect things that aren't "We Can't Stop".

Seriously, this is the modern-day suicide song. Could you stop, Miley? Please?

3. "Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell

So much controversy over a stupid, stupid song. I don't think I would have put this so low, below both Miley Cyrus songs for God's sake, if I didn't have to keep hearing about how "Blurred Lines" is the summer anthem, or "Blurred Lines" rapes women in dark alleyways, or "Blurred Lines" is actually a feminist anthem underneath it all, or Robin Thicke sounds like a porn star's name (the only indisputable point, I think).

Look, I can see both viewpoints, and I'm not about to ignore the giant elephant in the room that some of the lyrics are questionable:

I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
(Voice of Satan): I know you want it
I know you want it

You see, the "blurred line" here is the line between consensual and non-consensual sex, according to some people. Yeah, pretty questionable stuff. But I think there's actually a lyric here that skeeves me out more:

Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

Yeah, this is not a good time for both parties.


But that's just my personal standpoint, and that's enough for me to maybe rank it around 75-ish. But the sheer fact that "Blurred Lines" would not go away, that we have a bunch of feminist parodies that, to be honest, suck in their own right, that it's being called the number one song of the summer just infuriates me. I can't stand anything about this song now. I wish people would shut up about it. I wish Clarence the Guardian Angel would come so that "Blurred Lines" had never been born at all, and the world would be a much better place. Fuck this song, fuck everything that it started, and fuck Pharrell for going "Woo!" and saving it from rock bottom.

2. "U.O.E.N.O." - Rocko ft. Future and Rick Ross

See, here's the thing about "Blurred Lines"' questionable lyrics: They're questionable. There's a case for them that can be made to support the "feminist anthem" theory.

That is not the case with this song.

Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it

Nope, nope, nope. There is no possible other way those lyrics can be interpreted, that is rape right there. Plain and simple. And if Rick Ross is honestly going to tell me otherwise, then he's a bigger moron than I anticipated.


This song is so fucking unpleasant and stupid all the way through. What is this "U.O.E.N.O." garbage anyway? What's the point? Why not just say "you don't even know"? Are you trying to impress us by knowing how to pronounce letters? Also, it has Future, the antimatter to music. How is this guy popular? He sounds like a constipated wolverine every time he belches out a new syllable. Everything about this song is completely awful, and it definitely deserves to be the #1 worst song of 2013. But then again, we also had... well, just scroll down and see.

1. "Harlem Shake" - Baauer

Fuck this Antichrist, overhyped, shit-spewing, dog-fucking, inbred, foul-smelling, garbage-eating, ear-pummeling, Satanic, circlejerking, brain-shattering, rage-inducing, spine-bending, genocide-convincing, craptastic excuse for an excuse for an excuse for a song. And the stupid fad, too. This was the fourth most popular song of 2013. I hope you're all pleased with yourselves, that this dung-flinging, mood-killing, brainless, Obama-defacing, Jesus-weep-inducing, Rob-Ford-supporting, trash-farting *gets taken away by mental health professionals to my happy place*

Um yeah, I don't like this song much. Anyway, here's to a more musical new year.

Flashback Friday: "Meet Me Halfway" - The Black Eyed Peas (2009)

Let's talk about one of the most inconsistent bands of all time.

Remember this? This song was terrible.

Remember this? This song was awesome.

How could these two songs be so different in quality, and come out in the same year? Well, let's take a look at what made "Meet Me Halfway" work.

First off, Fergie's actually singing, not rapping. I don't think I need to tell you that Fergie's at her worst when she's rapping. Much like other white girls, actually. But no, she's singing here, and it sounds tremendous.

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline?
That's where I'm gonna wait for you
I'll be lookin' out night and day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I stay

I would actually argue that this is the best Black Eyed Peas song ever... if "Where Is The Love?" didn't exist, but we're getting off track. But it is a very well put together song, and I think a lot of it has to do with that chorus. I mean, uh, here's what comes directly before the first one.

I spend my time just thinkin', thinkin', thinkin' 'bout you
Every single day, yes I'm really missin', missin' you
And all those things we used to, used to, used to do
Hey girl, what's up? Yo? What's up? What's up? What's up?

Oh, will.i.am. Why do you try so little?

Honestly, looking back at this song, the chorus may have been the only thing that made it good. But damn, does it work. I forget about will.i.am's lack of effort during this song because Fergie just delivers. So maybe The Black Eyed Peas weren't as inconsistent as I thought. Maybe Fergie just needed to break out more.

"Say Something" - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Happy Christmas Eve! Normally you would expect me to be reviewing a Christmas song, right? Well, I'm sticking to Billboard-charting hits, so let's celebrate Christmas with A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera!

Christballs, this is boring.

I can't even think of anything to say about this one, it's just so... nothing. It's bland and generic, yet trying to be emotionally manipulative, but failing. I'm sorry, what's this video supposed to be? The Titanic sinking? (Which, by the way, was far more successful at being emotionally manipulative.)

No, the only thing sinking is my interest in Christina Aguilera. What have they got her doing here? Singing at just about the safest vocal range they could get for her. That's it. This song is very safe. There's no risks taken musically or lyrically. There's a piano that I'm pretty sure a monkey could play eventually after hitting the keys randomly, and then there's just these boring, milquetoast vocals.

The lyrics, should you care about them, seem to detail (only in the loosest sense of the word, since they're so vague) a failed relationship, with lingering feelings. But the narrator wants the other to say something, anything, to convince him/her not to leave. Hey, uh, Tracy Chapman, wanna show them how it's done?

Ironically, the most repeated lyric here is "Say something, I'm giving up on you", which are exactly my sentiments with this song. SAY SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

Well, looks like I'm in a grouchy mood this Christmas, no thanks to this song. Hopefully the new year will exterminate this kind of music, but as long as there's an audience for it, I don't see that happening. Humbug.

Flashback Friday: "Islands in the Stream" - Kenny Rogers with Dolly Parton (1983)

Let's take a step back to 1983, when two country artists came together to record a song that didn't sound very country at all.

There's a reason for that, though: Neither Kenny Rogers nor Dolly Parton wrote this song. It was in fact written by the Gibb brothers, better known as The Bee Gees.

And looking back on it, the song does sound rather Bee Gees-ish: less "Stayin' Alive" and more "How Deep is Your Love", but I definitely hear an influence. And that's kind of my problem with this song: it feels like it should have been performed by The Bee Gees. They would have probably made it more interesting than this.

You see, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton just aren't meant to sing something written by The Bee Gees. They're much better when they stick to their country roots. That's why this doesn't work for me. The Bee Gees probably couldn't perform "The Gambler" well at all, and the reverse is true.

"Story of My Life" - One Direction

Is One Direction getting better?

They appear to be. They're gaining more appeal than just tweenage girls, they seem to be taking more risks with their music, and they're receiving critical acclaim. So, what's going on? One Direction are just another stupid boy band, right?

Well... yes. Yes they are. I'm looking at the lyrics of this song, and they don't seem too much deeper than anything else they've written. But they are making an effort, I will give them that.

Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain

I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

See, that's... an effort. I have to give 'em something for trying. But some of this just isn't as heartwarming as the tone lets on. Let's look at this part of the chorus, for example:

The story of my life
I give her hope
I spend her love
Until she's broke

Inside

You... spend her love? You basically drain her of every positive emotion she has until you've broken her down? So then you can sing "What Makes You Beautiful" to her and her low welf-esteem? We may have a precursor here...

I might be able to pass this off as remorseful if One Direction wasn't playing White Knight in the first half:

The story of my life
I take her home

I drive all night to keep her warm

Is "spending her love until she's broke" supposed to be charming? Am I supposed to swoon, heterosexual masculinity notwithstanding? Because it just sounds skeevey to me.

But the chorus is probably the worst part of the song. Like I said, they do try.

She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us in her bones

Seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

See, these lyrics here take a little brainpower.

So, is One Direction improving? Well... marginally? They still have a long way to go before I can forget about "What Makes You Beautiful"-type garbage, but they do seem to be straying for the archetypal "boy band" sound. Their lyrics still need work, though.

Flashback Friday: "No Matter What" - Badfinger (1970)

This blog needs some power pop.

And what better band to look at than Badfinger, an early 1970s power pop band that paved the way for the power pop sound that would dominate the genre in the late 1970s to early 1980s? No band, I tell you. No band at all...

Okay, let's stop Beatling around the bush and look at one of Badfinger's biggest hit's, "No Matter What".

"No Matter What" is a definitive power pop song. Everything on the record is clear, crisp, and fresh. There's minimal extended solos, and the whole thing is upbeat. It's maybe a little gritty to get too excited over finding the power pop song, but this is a pretty good effort.

It's just a lot of fun to listen to. My favourite part of the song is actually the false ending, where it ends abruptly and then starts just as abruptly as it ended. That's the kind of carefree attitude the song takes, even in the lyrics:

No matter what you are
I will always be with you
Doesn't matter what you do, girl

Ooh girl, with you

It doesn't matter what she is or what she does. It may come off as a little too carefree for its own good, but you know what? Power pop is best when the subject matter is direct. And that's what we have here. No ifs, ands, buts, or maybes. No matter what she is or what she does, he will always be with her. Simple song. But simplicity is not always bad. In this case, it works really well.

"Timber" - Pitbull ft. Ke$ha

Aaaand it looks like I have to deal with Pitbull.

At least it's a relatively short song.

Okay, so where to start with Pitbull? He's creepy, he's talentless, he relies on tired gimmicks, and he sounds exactly the same in every song. There. Review over.

Okay, I won't end it there. But seriously, what else is there to say about this guy? He's exactly the same in every song. Here's a song about Pitbull. How awesome he is, how many women he gets, and of course, that scream he always does. Wooooo-oooo! But let's just look at his lyrics anyway.

I have them like Miley Cyrus,
clothes off twerking with my
bras and thongs, timber

Yeah, that's enough.

The only things really worth pointing out about this are the instrumentation and the guest voice, the two things Pitbull tends to change about his songs. He starts off with a twangy harmonica thing, which is at least interesting, And then that new sound is all but completely abandoned in favour of a generic dance beat.

And then there's Ke$ha. Give Pitbull this, he knows Ke$ha's at her least irritating when she sings. Unfortunately, this also makes Ke$ha overshadow Pitbull and become the best part of the song. I guess to be fair, I don't dislike Ke$ha. She does have talent, but she usually wastes it on inane, pointless songs. Here, the lyrics aren't annoying so much as they are generic, but she makes it work.

Really, Ke$ha's part is integral to this song. It saves it from being yet another Pitbull circlejerk session. Not completely, but it helps. Overall, this is one of the better Pitbull songs, but to no one's surprise, not because of Pitbull himself. Keep on picking those guest artists wisely, Mr. Worldwide.

Flashback Friday: "I Think We're Alone Now" - Tiffany (1987)

Today, we look at a song that gains immediate familiarity with teenagers who have parents that just don't understand love. Because you know, four years of not-quite-fully-pubescent experience beats out adulthood any day in that category. Regardless, here's Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now".

This song helped make Tiffany one of the biggest stars of the late 1980s. It hit #1 on the Billboard charts and she followed that up with two more hits. So let's look at Tiffany's first hit, and see how much relevance it really has in pop culture, and how it holds up today.

"I Think We're Alone Now", as I said before, is  a song about two teenagers hopelessly in lust love, much to their parents' disapproval. They have to run away into the beautiful darkness to experience their lust love without judgmental adults.

Running just as fast as we can

Holdin' on to one another's hand

Each other. It's each other. Sorry, but grammar is important in teenage love songs... right?

(I suppose if it was a polygamous relationship it would be correct...)

And then you put your arms around me

And we tumble to the ground

Haha, klutzes.

Seriously though, I can't find too much wrong about this song. It's certainly better than what we've been getting from teenage stars this decade (ahem). There's nothing too deep or interesting here, but I can't complain. Did it deserve to be a #1 hit? Well, if whoever the hell this is could do it that year, I don't see why Tiffany wouldn't deserve it. Overall, "I Think We're Alone Now" is nothing more than a harmless song to serve as an anthem to 1987 teens. Yay for knowing your target audience.

Agree? Disagree? Comment below!

"Demons" - Imagine Dragons

Somewhere along the line in 2012, I think that the face of popular music changed for the better.

Hey, far be it for me to thank Glee for anything, but their cover of this song did help it to become famous. But the thing is, this wasn't a fluke. This was a trend. Even fun. (wow, what an annoyingly quirky band name) had another hit that year.

So today, we look at another band that was taken along by the new bandwagon into stardom, their fame continuing to this day: Imagine Dragons.

Imagine Dragons had their first hit, "It's Time" in mid-to-late 2012. Then "Radioactive" came out and solidly put them into the mainstream, spending 64 weeks in the Billboard Hot 100 to date. Now it's time (ha-ha) to review their third big hit, "Demons".

Contrasting their first two hits, I think that "Demons" is a softer track. It starts off with little to no instrumentation other than the lead singer's voice, whereas "It's Time" and "Radioactive" set the tone with powerful instrumentation. And while the lyrics and vocals in the first two hits seem to be empowering and confident, "Demons" comes off as more regretful.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Kind of a stark contrast to "I'm never changing who I am".

But this is good, because it shows a different side to the band. Not that there's anything wrong with confidence, but when you go on and on about how great you are, it can get a liiitle tiresome. Ahem.

So I really do like this song, and Imagine Dragons in general. Sure, they can get over-the-top, but it's better than just being flat boring. Too much is better than not enough. And whether Imagine Dragons are confident or regretful, they'll always be there to give more than enough emotion in their songs.

Agree? Disagree? Comment below!