10. "Wake Me Up!" - Avicii
I've already covered this song, but here's a short recap: There's been a lot of EDM this year. Some good, some bad. But none as incompetent, confusing, and effortless as this. It's like they weren't even trying with the lyrics. Of the few I can make sense of, they don't sound as inspirational as the music would have you believe:
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me
"I have a dream." - Martin Luther King Jr.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." - JFK
"Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, but that's fine by me." - Avicii
Even the part of the song where the title comes from: "Wake me up when it's all over"? If you're going for a sad, despondent song, don't pump it up with folksy guitar and some kind of overblown techno riff. By the way, Avicii actually does very little work on this song. He doesn't sing (Aloe Blacc) or play the guitar (Incubus' Mike Einziger). Of course, I wouldn't want to be credited on this song either, but holy shit man. Way to take all the credit for playing the same 4-second loop over and over at different frequencies.
9. "Cups (Pitch Perfect's When I'm Gone)" - Anna Kendrick
This girl was not ready for a singing career. Everything about this song is very safe, even the cup percussion, which is at least an interesting idea, but doesn't execute well at all. If there was ever a song not to promote a movie, this barrage of bland is it. Hell, why doesn't Rebel Wilson release a hit song? That might actually be interesting. I never want to watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup", but it can't be much worse than "1 Girl, Too Many Fucking Cups and Not Enough Interest".
8. "Come & Get It" - Selena Gomez
Selena, let's just get right to the point here: what the fuck are you doing?
When you're ready come and get it
Na na na na
I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure this song is supposed to be "sexy". So why does the chorus sound like a mother cooking for her eight children? All that's missing is the dinner bell.
You ain't gotta worry, it's an open invitation
I'll be sittin' right here, real patient
All day, all night, I'll be waitin' standby
Can't stop because I love it, hate the way I love you
All day, all night, maybe I'm addicted for life, no lie.
I couldn't even single anything out from this shit verse because it just sucks that badly. You're just gonna be... sitting there? That's what you want us to imagine? Sitting and waiting? Jack Johnson at least threw "wishing" in there.
And baby once I get it, I'm yours no take backs.
"No take backs"? What, is this a game on the schoolyard now? Punch buggy DIE.
One more awful thing this song does is show just how limited Selena Gomez's vocal range is. Listening to her sing the bridge is less painful and more just straight pathetic. I sometimes criticize artists for playing it safe with their vocals, but honey, play it safe. Go & stay away from "Come & Get It".
7. "Started From the Bottom" - Drake
You know, one thing Drake fails to do again and again and again is SHOW SOME GODDAMN EMOTION. For God's sake, this song is to you what "Juicy" was to Biggie Smalls and you sound like your aunt just died or something!
Not that it really deserves the clout Biggie gives "Juicy", because these lyrics are absolute garbage. You see, this is a song about how Drake came up from the lowest of the low. The worst of the worst. And he rose to the top, and became the best-selling artist he is today. And how does he show it in his chorus?
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here
You suck. You really, really suck.
Okay, well, that's just the chorus. Maybe, as in "Juicy", he details some of the problems at "the bottom".
Working all night, traffic on the way home
OH MY GOD, NOT TRAFFIC ON THE WAY HOME! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Seriously, the worst that it gets is he argues with his mom and he borrows his uncle's car. And then the second verse is just:
Boys tell stories about the man
Say I never struggled, wasn't hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga
I could turn your boy into the man
There ain't really much I hear that's poppin' off without us, nigga
We just want the credit where it's due
I'm a worry about me, give a fuck about you
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
I wear every single chain, even when I'm in the house
Well, given your rebuttal of "I HAD TRAFFIC ON THE WAY HOME", I can imagine why people might not think you didn't have it too rough. That, and your starring role on FUCKING DEGRASSI.
We don't like to do too much explaining
Ay, there's the rub.
I'm spending way too much time on this moron. Even the music is boring. It sounds like something you'd use to put your baby to sleep. What the hell is #6?
6. "I Knew You Were Trouble" - Taylor Swift
Oh right, there was this, the quintessential Taylor Swift song. And that's about as far from a compliment as I can get. The problem with this song is that the lyrics are depressing, but for some reason this sounds like a happy song, with the bouncy guitar. I can't understand why, but it's just another problem to add to what I think is the worst Taylor Swift song of all time.
5. "Scream & Shout" - will.i.am ft. Britney Spears
I don't think I need to tell you why will.he.stop.making.music featuring legendary has-been Britney Spears sucks. But I will anyway. Actually, the lyrics themselves do a perfect job:
I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out
And scream, and shout, and let it out
Yep. That's exactly what I want to do whenever I hear this toxic waste pit for the ears.
Everybody let's lose control
Control of competence, songwriting, and music completely lost, yes.
Let's let it blow, blow, blow
And blow it does.
It goes on and on and on and on
Unfortunately.
Look, there's nothing about this that even has an ounce of good. In fact, every time I listen to it, I can find a new thing wrong with it. Boring beat, terrible chorus, awful vocals, lack of effort,
4. "We Can't Stop" - Miley Cyrus
Much like will.i.am's song goes on, and on, and on and on, Miley Cyrus can't stop. Oh, why do the bad ones never go away?
In my first review on this blog, I praised "Wrecking Ball". But now I think the song is terrible, and the only reason I can think of for liking it in he first place is that at least it wasn't this. Some may find "Wrecking Ball" worse than this, and I can respect those people. But the reason this song scores so low for me is that on those long nights in 2013 when insomnia struck me, what song would play over and over again in my head?
THIS. FUCKING. ONE.
I could not escape it. I could not break free of the world's most depressing party song violating my ears. I pounded the pillow. Make it stop, make it stop, for the love of Virgin Mary, MAKE. IT. STOP.
So "Wrecking Ball" came around and wasn't nearly as infectious, and I embraced "Wrecking Ball". Upon retrospect, not that it had any merits of its own, but that it was not "We Can't Stop". I can respect things that aren't "We Can't Stop".
Seriously, this is the modern-day suicide song. Could you stop, Miley? Please?
3. "Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell
So much controversy over a stupid, stupid song. I don't think I would have put this so low, below both Miley Cyrus songs for God's sake, if I didn't have to keep hearing about how "Blurred Lines" is the summer anthem, or "Blurred Lines" rapes women in dark alleyways, or "Blurred Lines" is actually a feminist anthem underneath it all, or Robin Thicke sounds like a porn star's name (the only indisputable point, I think).
Look, I can see both viewpoints, and I'm not about to ignore the giant elephant in the room that some of the lyrics are questionable:
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
(Voice of Satan): I know you want it
I know you want it
You see, the "blurred line" here is the line between consensual and non-consensual sex, according to some people. Yeah, pretty questionable stuff. But I think there's actually a lyric here that skeeves me out more:
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?
Yeah, this is not a good time for both parties.
But that's just my personal standpoint, and that's enough for me to maybe rank it around 75-ish. But the sheer fact that "Blurred Lines" would not go away, that we have a bunch of feminist parodies that, to be honest, suck in their own right, that it's being called the number one song of the summer just infuriates me. I can't stand anything about this song now. I wish people would shut up about it. I wish Clarence the Guardian Angel would come so that "Blurred Lines" had never been born at all, and the world would be a much better place. Fuck this song, fuck everything that it started, and fuck Pharrell for going "Woo!" and saving it from rock bottom.
2. "U.O.E.N.O." - Rocko ft. Future and Rick Ross
See, here's the thing about "Blurred Lines"' questionable lyrics: They're questionable. There's a case for them that can be made to support the "feminist anthem" theory.
That is not the case with this song.
Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it
Nope, nope, nope. There is no possible other way those lyrics can be interpreted, that is rape right there. Plain and simple. And if Rick Ross is honestly going to tell me otherwise, then he's a bigger moron than I anticipated.
This song is so fucking unpleasant and stupid all the way through. What is this "U.O.E.N.O." garbage anyway? What's the point? Why not just say "you don't even know"? Are you trying to impress us by knowing how to pronounce letters? Also, it has Future, the antimatter to music. How is this guy popular? He sounds like a constipated wolverine every time he belches out a new syllable. Everything about this song is completely awful, and it definitely deserves to be the #1 worst song of 2013. But then again, we also had... well, just scroll down and see.
1. "Harlem Shake" - Baauer
Fuck this Antichrist, overhyped, shit-spewing, dog-fucking, inbred, foul-smelling, garbage-eating, ear-pummeling, Satanic, circlejerking, brain-shattering, rage-inducing, spine-bending, genocide-convincing, craptastic excuse for an excuse for an excuse for a song. And the stupid fad, too. This was the fourth most popular song of 2013. I hope you're all pleased with yourselves, that this dung-flinging, mood-killing, brainless, Obama-defacing, Jesus-weep-inducing, Rob-Ford-supporting, trash-farting *gets taken away by mental health professionals to my happy place*
Um yeah, I don't like this song much. Anyway, here's to a more musical new year.
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