Well, not all of it was good. I know, shocker. And we're gonna take a look at the bad right now!
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Speaking of Poison, UB40 are just poison to my ears.
10. "Red Red Wine" - UB40
I am baffled at how UB40 got mainstream airplay. They are the most simultaneously watered-down and annoying band in existence. And look no further for porof of that than one of their biggest hits, their cover of "Red Red Whine", I mean, "whine", I mean... "whine".
This was originally a Neil Diamond song. I don't think the band has any actual songs of their own; the limited creativity that they do have is spent on making Ali Campbell's voice as ear-piercing as possible. But anyway... this was originally a Neil Diamond song. And let me tell you, like every single cover this wretched band does, it is miles better being performed by the original. You can hear the soul being sucked out of this song the moment Ali Campbell opens his braying donkey mouth. Or maybe it's right from the moment you start hearing that cod-reggae beat. Hard to tell, it all stinks of week-old salmon.
I'm not even a huge Neil Diamond fan, but like all artists desecrated by UB40, they did him dirty. Of course, that is only my perception as Neil Diamond apparently loved UB40's version and started doing a reggae version of this song himself. Cod help us all.
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The 80s was full of these bloated ballad singers that offered little personality. I'm gonna count Eric Carmen as one of 'em.
9. "Make Me Lose Control" - Eric Carmen
Eric Carmen has always been more hair than music to me. Really, what can you say about this other than it sounds like a low-rent Billy Ocean song? And it's not like Billy Ocean is teeming with personality either, but he's a hell of a lot more interesting than that. Eric Carmen just presents as wet flannel. It feels like a huge waste of time to even write any more about this; it's so dull. Moving on!
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And then there's Richard Marx...
8. "Endless Summer Nights" - Richard Marx
Honestly? Copy-paste everything I said about Eric Carmen and put it where Richard Marx is. Hell, even the hair thing. A lot of 80's guys had the hair thing. But seriously, we gave this guy way too many hits. Surely there must have been someone more interesting to idolize than this Lou Gramm wannabe. Hell, even Foreigner was still releasing music. Not their best, but still probably better than this.
I kind of want to kick this song to get it to start. It's way too laid-back for its own good. I get that not every song has to be a power ballad, but if you're going for the ballad route anyway, better to do that than go for this cheap resort vibe. Or maybe you just need a stronger singer, I don't know. Either way, something's not working here. No matter how much sax you put into this song to try and make it sound interesting. Sorry, sax man.
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You know, I kind of want to be charitable to Taylor Dayne, because unlike the aforementioned two artists, she actually does have a personality. It's just too bad she wastes it on songs like these.
7. "I'll Always Love You" - Taylor Dayne
This goes to show that it really doesn't matter how much of a powerhouse singer you have. If the music isn't there, it's not there. And you may not like Taylor Dayne's overwrought voice. But you have to admit it's more forceful and grabs your attention better than a lot of the charts this year. But this? It just sounds like she's overcompensating for the lack of a musical idea. It legitimately sounds like the same tune as "Endless Summer Nights". Sax and everything. So if Taylor Dayne is a more talented, or at least more interesting singer, then why does this rank lower than Richard Marx? It comes down to wasted potential. If this could have been pumped up a bit, it might have been a passable song. As it stands, it's Taylor Dayne trying to make something out of nothing. A by-the-numbers ballad that should have been a lot better.
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6. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin
Are you fucking kidding me.
Look, I get the sentiment of wanting to forget your troubles and just live in blissful ignorance. It's a sentiment that rings especially hollow in these times, but I get it. But just because the sentiment is brainless doesn't mean the song has to be too. This is a nothing of a song. I get why it's popular, but it just sucks. I'd rather listen to the ceiling fan. At last that has the potential to fly off the ceiling, doing something interesting.
If I'm going to take a message of forced happiness from a song, it's certainly not going to be this one. Like, who are you to tell me to be happy? I've got a whole worst list where I can be miserable, and you want me to be happy? Screw you, buddy! It would be one thing if the song stopped at the sentiment, but over the course of the song it becomes clear that no, this isn't an option. You MUST be happy, lest you bring everyone else down around you. Fuck is that? That's the opposite of inspiring! And it's exactly why this garbage doesn't deserve any more attention. Happiness is not gained by faking a smile to make those around you feel better. That makes you feel worse. You're a toxic friend, Bobby McFerrin!
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Ballad time!
5. "Anything for You" - Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine
I so very much resent these ballads for being so bland that I simultaneously must put them on my list and have nothing to say about them. What is there to say about this? It's nothing. It's less than nothing. It's a song buffering so that you might get something interesting next time around. But worst of all, it's Miami Sound Machine doing a Chicago impression.
Yeah, this sounds like Chicago. And anything that sounds like Chicago that isn't Chicago is a sin so great that I need a whole separate list for songs like this. It's not like Gloria Estefan is this hallowed artist or anything, but she's made music way more fun-sounding than this! Just because you can make a sappy ballad, doesn't mean you should. If only all of the 80s would get that memo.
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4. "Hands to Heaven" - Breathe
IT'S BORING! IT'S SO FUCKING BORING I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO JUSTIFY WHY THIS IS HERE AAAAAAAAAAH next one
(why does every damn song this year try to pretend their song isn't boring by plopping in a saxophone, that doesn't make up for your suckage, jesus christ)
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In a year full of mediocre balladeers, you'd think this would be the year I'd be more charitable to Phil Collins. But he decided to kick things... down a notch.
3. "A Groovy Kind of Love" - Phil Collins
Okay. Here's the Mindbenders' version of this song:
You hear how there's actually a GROOVE in this song called "A Groovy Kind of Love"? Phil Collins didn't! Because he decided to, without a hint of irony, cover this song in the slowest, most easy-listening way possible. I know the heyday of Genesis was behind him at this point, but you can still afford to try a bit harder than this. "Groovy Kind of Love". What's groovy about this? This reads so much like a dad trying to fit in that it's unbelievably sad. But even when Phil Collins usually turns it down a notch, it comes out better than this. This song has no pulse. much less a groove. And I can't imagine it getting anyone in the mood for anything, except turning off the radio.
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So most of these slow ballad songs on here I kind of expected to some degree, or never had any high hopes for the artist in the first place. This one is different. This one broke my heart.
2. "The Flame" - Cheap Trick
Cheap Trick. The face of power pop in the late 70s. Releasing one of the worst, most overwrought ballads of the 1980s. Does Not Compute.
I get that Cheap Trick's sound was probably not going to make a resurgence in the late 80s, but isn't it better to burn out than fade away? Now this steaming turd has to be a part of the band's legacy, and that's sad. Cheap Trick should not sound like a no-name hair metal band turning it down a notch. Puke.
Apparently the band had the choice between doing this song and "Look Away", which was eventually covered by Chicago. Honestly, even in a world of sucky power ballads, I think Chicago got the upper hand here. "Look Away" actually has an impactful chorus, while "The Flame" sputters to a halt. Which is what the song should have done before it started. If Chicago is taking your leftovers in the first place, maybe that's a sign you're not on the right path.
This is the power of the late 80s' suckage. Turning good bands bad. And yet this is still only the second worst song of the year.
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There were a lot of ballads this year. But none more incompetent-sounding than this.
1. "I Want to Be Your Man" - Roger
A talk box. You're using a talk box for this romantic ballad. Well... it's an idea, I guess.
Maybe someone out there likes this, but to me this just sounds like crap. I'm all for innovation, but this is simultaneously boring and incredibly messy. I can't imagine making love to this, or dancing to it, or anything. All I can imagine is listening to this song with a quizzical expression on your face, like how did this even happen? If that's what this song was made for, then congratulations. Me, I like to expect a little bit more.
