Watch-for-it Wednesday: "The Walker" - Fitz and the Tantrums

Okay, you're a straight-up liar if you can't appreciate a band called Fitz and the Tantrums just for their name.

But even if you need another reason to like the band, here's a good one: Their music is awesome. And now they're making ground on the Heatseekers chart, currently sitting at #4 with their above-shown hit, "The Walker".

If this makes it onto the top half of the Hot 100, I will be so freakin' pleased. You see, the indie rock scene has been... quite dreary lately.

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it's nice to hear something that sounds more upbeat from an indie band, kind of like Neon Trees.

I love Neon Trees. In a genre that usually sounds rather dreary, they're there to pump it up with some wonderful jams. But we haven't been getting Neon Trees hits lately. So, enter Fitz and the Tantrums, a band from LA that originated in 2008 and are finally making their way up the Billboard Hot 100.

Oh, here we go
Feel it in my soul
Really need it, need it, so go
Gotta feel it, body takes control
Really need it, need it

Damn, that chorus. So full of energy and life. We need more songs like this, especially since the Top 5 has remained stagnant for quite some time now. Not that the songs are bad... well, except "Talk Dirty"... but we need a change. Hell, I need a change. Something to break through the Top 5 to the mainstream public. And maybe this is the song to do it. Let's really think about this: When was the last time we had a huge, and I mean HUGE, indie hit? The last one I can think of is "Radioactive". We need another "Radioactive" for 2014! Come on, America!

Billboard Success:

Will they have it?

Maybe not to the extent that I'm suggesting, but they've already blown up on the Alt Charts. I can see them at least having a Top 20 hit with "The Walker".

Should they have it?

God, yes. We need these guys to liven things up around here. I need them, at least. Please let Fitz and the Tantrums become popular, maybe even to the point of their song playing so often that I never want to hear it ever again... 

You know, on second thought, maybe it's better if they don't blow up so quickly. But they do deserve success, and I will root for them the whole way through. Long live "The Walker". Long live Fitz and the Tantrums.

CanTunes Tuesday: "Chills" - Down With Webster

Ah, Down With Webster. What can I say about Down With Webster?

I'll start by saying that Down With Webster are an enjoyable band to me. For the most part, they don't seem to take themselves too seriously, yet they can usually pull off a serious song when they do one. But sometimes... they don't.

This is "Jessica", and it is by a country mile their worst song. Totally muddled in its tone, and as a result it comes off as stupid, bro-douchey, and lllaaaaammmmeeee. I always get so put off by this line in particular:

I want your best friend, I need your best friend
We can be best friends, but I want your best friend

Wow. That's... that's the line you're going with, huh buddy? Next time just stick with "it's not you, it's me".

I never know how seriously I'm supposed to take this song, and that presents a problem for me. It also questions my faith in the band (I take my music religiously). Can they pull off another serious song? Here to answer that question is their latest song, "Chills".

Finally! A Canadian song we can actually be proud of!

So the one thing with Down With Webster is that when they write songs about girls, they always seem endlessly fascinated by them.

"She's Dope": Girl you're a star, attention is nothing new to you

"Your Man": I saw you again when I was sober and I had a crush like an empty soda can

Not only is that their strong suit, it's also partly why "Jessica" didn't work. Down With Webster songs are monogamous. They might be goofballs overall, but they tend to stick to one girl, not leave one for another on a whim. "Chills" reinforces that idea.

These chills didn't come from the cold
They came from you

I just wish that they didn't release this song right after a long, cold, blustery winter. Bad memories of Winter 2014, people. Bad memories... but that's pretty much the only problem I have with this song. Camm's always a joy to hear as he turns clichés on their heads:

I mean this in the best way when I tell you that you're cold as hell
That makes no sense

Okay, here's what I really, really enjoy about Down With Webster: They not only have little to no game, they openly admit that they have little to no game. You have so many rappers these days thinking that they're hot stuff, and then they use pickup lines like these:

2 Chainz: Dos Cadenas, close to genius
Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis

I would much rather... wait, say again 2 Chainz?

Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis

Ohh god. I should have spent more time on "Talk Dirty". Anyway, I would much rather hear somebody awkwardly talking to a girl like this, almost to the point of getting starstruck. It's more realistic, and more relatable. And Down With Webster's "Chills" is just what you need for that down-to-earth feeling.

Again, I just wish that I didn't have to hear "Chills" so soon after a terrible winter. Minor nitpick, but it's better than the major nitpicks I've had with other Canadian songs so far. I'm finally excited for the future of Canadian music! What else is popular over here that I can review?

...

Why do I even bother?

Monday Musings: When Did Rap Become So Stupid?

Today's Monday Musing will focus on that age-old topic: the goddang rap music and its hippity hoppetin' and bippity boppetin'.

Specifically, the rap music that comes out these days. Am I just hopelessly nostalgic for the 90's, or has rap music truly taken a downfall recently? Let's take a look back at the beginnings of rap music to find out.

Rap music has many possible influences that you can trace back to, including blues music, comedy records, spoken-word poetry, funk music, and even schoolyard chants. But the moment rap music started coming into the mainstream was with The Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight".

Rap music back then was simple. Simple flow, and the topics mostly ranged from partying and having a good time to having a good time and partying. Then came "The Message".

"The Message", while still simple in terms of flow, dealt with much heavier topics of poverty, ghettos and racism. This paved the way for gangsta rap to come in full force in the late 80's and early 90's, often referred to as hip hop's "Golden Age". Indeed, this was a time when the idea of hip hop was constantly reinventing itself, and each new artist on the scene brought something new to the constantly-growing hip hop table. Throughout the 90's, some of hip hop's best artists were prevalent on Billboard's Hot 100.

And then... things started to get stupid.

It was almost as if hip hop started reverting around 2002. There were still artists like Eminem and Outkast releasing thoughtful, well-written hip hop, but people were starting to accept lowest-common-denominator party hip hop songs, which were revolutionary back in 1979, but are tepid today. Yet, today they're more popular than ever, with artists like Pitbull and Flo Rida releasing party jam after party jam. What happened? Why did people start accepting this into the mainstream instead of thought-provoking lyrics?

Well, it might be because the 2000s were an exhausting, stressful time for everyone. In the wake of disasters like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the economic recession, people needed to lighten up with party music. And as Flo Rida will show you, it is very, very easy to make party music out of rap.

So, because we've had songs like these ingrained in pop culture for quite some time now, it might take a while before we're ready to shift again. Not that there's anything wrong with party jams... in principle, but too many party jams make me weary. 

But there is hope on the horizon. With artists like Lupe Fiasco and J. Cole on the scene, as well as Eminem returning, we may be on the verge of something new. But then again, with Pitbull and Jason Derulo still here, maybe not. It's your future, America. Do what you feel is right for your country. Just like you did when you re-elected Bush. Was that a cheap shot? Feel free to leave a Rob Ford joke in the comments.

"Not a Bad Thing" - Justin Timberlake

Hey, you know what's not a bad thing? Justin Timberlake coming back in 2013! Whoo!

It was a long-awaited revival for his fans, myself included, but Justin is back and better than ever! And here we are today with his first single of 2014, "Not a Bad Thing". Let's listen in.

Uh, guys? Would you mind? I'm... I'm trying to listen here.

All right, let's just go to the audio version. Rude people, talking about love over a love song. Let the man sing!

Ehh... boring. Get the other people back, at least they seem to know what love is.

This is a huge disappointment after songs like "Suit & Tie" and "Take Back the Night". This is just... nothing. Nothing at all.

So don't act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me
'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true with me

It's Justin playing off of this girl's past breakups, and then saying "Oh no, I'm not like those guys. I'm special." Normally Justin's at his best when stroking his ego. Like a peacock showing his beautiful feathers. But here he takes the egotistical subtext and puts it right into the text.

And that worked perfectly fine for a song like "Sexyback" which is at least about sex and sexual appeal. But for a love song, where ego shouldn't really come into play? Well, it works about as well as you'd think it would.

Justin tries to compensate for his massive ego by saying "baby you're worth my love" and the like, but it just makes him seem like more of a jackass, to be honest. I think "Mirrors" worked a lot better as a Justin love song, because he left himself out of the picture for the most part. But this? 

But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won’t stop until you believe it
'Cause baby you’re worth it

Timberlake as Superman and this girl as Lois Lane... no, it's not working out for me.

This song is just too self-absorbed to be a love song. See, Justin knows that people break hearts and promises. Justin knows that people cut other people's hearts open with knives. It's... it's like he's playing some omnipresent demigod role, knowing about all the struggles in love that these poor, underprivileged women must suffer. And by underprivileged, of course I mean "haven't gotten the chance to see Justin in action yet", and that's a kind of roleplay that I just can't get behind.

I really didn't want to dislike this, especially after my recent bouts of negativity, but... I do. It just doesn't work on any level for me. I might even call this my least favourite Timberlake song. It's boring, vapid, and horribly confused in its message. It may not be a bad thing to fall in love with JT, but it's a bad thing to listen to this when you could be listening to much better Justin Timberlake songs.

Weekend Wrap-Up (Apr. 20-26 2014): Rock, Austin, and Yanni

Here's some more news for ya.

In the last of Coachella news, Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong replaced The Replacements' frontman Paul Westerberg for their two set on the second Coachella weekend. Armstrong was visibly pleased to play with one of his biggest musical influences, remarking, "Dreams really do come true!"

Jack White has broken the record for the world's fastest-released record. The 45s went to press immediately after the recording session of Jack White's title track from his upcoming album Lazaretto. The record was previously held by Swiss accordion trio Vollgas Kompanie, who released an album one day after recording it.

The lineup for the Austin City Limits Music Festival has been announced. Eminem, Pearl Jam, Outkast, Beck, Skrillex, and Calvin Harris will headline the festival. The Festival will be held over two weekends this October, boasting a myriad of female-fronted and international acts.

Yanni's new album, Inspirato, has an exclusive premiere out on Billboard. For all you Yanni fans out there, check it out.

Following her well-received set on Coachella, Lana Del Rey's new single "West Coast" has debuted at #17 on the Billboard Hot 100. Its success partly stems from its heavy streaming in the past week, and partly from its sales after it was put up for sale after premiering it live.

Meanwhile, Breathe Carolina is blowing up the Dance albums chart, scoring their first #1 and fifth Top Ten album on the chart with Savages. This marks the band's best sales week thus far, outselling their previous record by 3,000 copies.

Finally, Mariah Carey is set to drop a new album with a Beyoncé-influenced sound. After her last few albums failed to garner much interest beyond one mildly successful single each, she is focusing on releasing an album statement, right down to the title, which she says takes its name from "a personal possession of mine that's part of an entity that I've had almost all my life".

That's the news for this week, and don't wear it out! Or something. I'll come up with a good sign-off eventually.

Flashback Friday: "He's the Greatest Dancer" - Sister Sledge (1979)

Oh, what? Wow!

Today on Flashback Friday, we take a look back at a group of sisters named Sledge: it's Sister Sledge. Now, Sister Sledge have also had the bigger hit "We Are Family", but honestly? Even though "We Are Family" is more iconic, I kind of prefer this one. 

Oh-what-wow
He's the greatest dancer
Oh-what-wow

That I've ever seen

Notably, how bewildered it sounds in the chorus. Like someone just pointed out this dancer to Sister Sledge while they're in the middle of a conversation, and they turn around going "Oh, what? Wow!"

And as the song continues, he really does sound like the greatest dancer ever.

The champion of dance
His moves would put you in a trance
And he never leaves the disco alone
Arrogance but not conceit

As a man he's complete

I tell you, if I could convey "arrogance but not conceit" in my dance moves, I would definitely do so! Actually, it would just be nice to convey something other than "wow, this guy really can't dance".

He wears the finest clothes
The best designers, heaven knows

Ooh, from his head down to his toes

See? He's even got the style to back it up!

Halston, Gucci, Fiorucci

Yeah! Those are all names that I'm vaguely familiar with! I'm not much of a fashionista.

More important than the lyrics, though, is that killer guitar hook. The song was written by Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards of the band Chic, and as a result, it sounds notoriously groovy. Maybe it's just me, but disco's backlash seems undeserved when we're apparently supposed to dance to David Guetta music now. You can definitely dance to this.

And that's really all there is to say about it, honestly. Sister Sledge: Go back and check 'em out this Friday. Or any other day, really. Good group.

Top 10 Thursday: Top 10 Solo Efforts From Former Group Members

Today on Top 10 Thursday, we look at artists that became successful with the collaboration and teamwork it takes to make a group... then blew them out of the water with their solo success. Today, we look at the Top 10 Solo Efforts from Former Group Members. There's got to be a less wordy way of saying that, but I haven't found it. Anyway:

10. Jack White

Jack White broke into international fame through The White Stripes, a band he shared with his ex-wife, Meg. Since their breakup in 2011, he went solo with his album Blunderbuss, a critical and commercial darling alike. As it very well should be; it's a damn good album. I have it; go buy it for yourself and tell me what you think.

9. George Michael

Anybody who breaks out of the endless void of silliness that was Wham! to have a respectable music career deserves some kind of mention. (Life hack for losing faith in humanity: Look up "Wham Rap"). George Michael took his career and turned it on its head. He went from being one of the biggest cheeseballs of the 80's (believe me, that is not an easy accomplishment) to becoming a provocatively sexy performer and one of the best-selling artists of all time. Now that's freedom.

8. John Lennon

"Imagine" remains one of the most enduring hit songs of all time, and you really can't expect less from possibly the most thoughtful of The Beatles. Sadly, Lennon's career was cut short by his murder in 1980, but he still leaves with us a legacy of peace and love.

7. Beyoncé

Look, I'm not going to deny that Beyoncé had one of the most successful solo breakouts of all time with "Crazy in Love". To do so would be foolish, no matter what my opinions are on the singer. Besides, "Crazy in Love" is still a damn good song, and no matter how much I dislike Beyoncé's solo music as a whole, it's still much, much better than Destiny's Child.

6. Gwen Stefani

There's No Doubt that... no, I'm going to stop that pun before I finish it. It's clear to see that Stefani can survive in pop music with or without No Doubt. Being the driving force of personality in the band, I don't see why it ever would have been a problem. Stefani's transition into a solo career wasn't exactly smooth sailing, but it did pay off in a big way, bringing Stefani some of her biggest hits.

5. Paul McCartney

(Yes, I went with the Paul/Michael collaboration that wasn't horribly embarrassing.)

Paul McCartney's higher on my list than John Lennon, and the simple yet sad reason for that is that he's had more opportunity in a solo career, and therefore got to do more. After The Beatles, McCartney helped form the band Wings, which was hugely successful with 14 Top Ten singles in the US. Then he went on to... release... a single... with Stevie Wonder... long story short, Wings and "Say Say Say". Great post-Beatles legacy to lead. Next!

4. Justin Timberlake

He be on his suit and tie, and he be on by far the best post-boy band music career the world has ever seen. Sorry, JC Chasez. To say Timberlake broke free of 'N Sync and became more successful than ever is an understatement. He went from teen star to superstar, all but dominating the early-to-mid 2000s with hits like "Cry Me a River" and "SexyBack". And now he's bringing sexy back yet again in this decade. The Energizer Bunny of music, only instead of going and going and going, he goes, stops for 7 years, and then comes back again.

3. Neil Young

Before Neil Young, there was Buffalo Springfield. Buffalo Springfield was essentially CSNY's beta version, featuring Young and Stills and paving the way for Neil Young to have a successful career with both CSNY and solo, throughout the 70's and 80's. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

2. Phil Collins

There must be some kind of "Invisible Touch" that Collins has in the music industry. Yep, I went full force with that pun, and no one could stop me! He brought Genesis to their wildest success in the 80's, and then went on to apparently be the go-to guy for Disney soundtracks. Okay, he had a lot of other hits too, otherwise he wouldn't be this high. Say what you will about Phil, but I think he's a great artist, and deserves the recognition he gets.

1. Michael Jackson

I don't know how many times Jackson's gonna top my lists, but it's more than one now. come on, though. How could I not give this one to Michael Jackson? Anybody who has a solo career like he did needs to be at the top of this list. The top artist of the 80's, and still popular throughout the 90's. And it all started out with The Jackson 5. Michael Jackson: perpetual list-topper of some Canadian blogger.

Watch-for-it Wednesday: "She Looks So Perfect" - 5 Seconds of Summer

I honestly never thought we'd come to a time when a potential pop hit would be a commercial for American Apparel underwear. And you know what? I'm not even mad about it.

When I saw these pretty boys and their band name and the song title, I thought that this could be anything from a sappy love ballad to... a sappy love ballad. In other words, I wasn't expecting a pop rock revival.

Lately, we've had indie rock hits here and there, but pop rock has died off, most likely thanks to Hot Chelle Rae, one of the worst bands I've heard in recent memory. But maybe these guys from New Zealand are the ones to bring it back.

I'm not even going to lie: I think this song is awesome. Is it goofy? Almost offensively so, yes. But it's so much fun as well. It has a beating pulse that's bound to beat right out of the wrist. Every time they go "heeeey, hey", I'm tempted to sing along. Of course, it would sound pretty strange to do so with headphones in, but that's the curse of living with other people.

I'm honestly not even sure what else to say here. I've spent so much time lately reviewing stuff I hate that I'm kind of floored when I hear something I really, really like. If you're going to do a silly pop song, this is how you do it. Heeeey, hey!

Billboard Success:

Will they have it?

Could go either way. They're good-looking enough for the shallower pop music listeners, but I'm not sure if people are quite ready for pop rock to come back. 

Should they have it?

Yes. For the love of God, yes. I don't have anything against Bastille or Lorde, but we need a good silly song in there to balance out the seriousness and bad silly songs.

CanTunes Tuesday: "We Are Stars" - Virginia to Vegas ft. Alyssa Reid

You know, there comes a time when you just need to listen to a tune that can lift you up. A tune that reminds you that you are special, and important, and unique, and no one can take you down except yourself. And sometimes those types of tunes don't work at all.

We are stars and
We are open-hearted

Yes, you are stars. You are open-hearted. Whaaaatever.

Look, there was a time when Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful"- wait, is that two entries in a row where I bring up this song? Anyway, there was a time when Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" was all the rage. It touched the hearts of many and inspired even more. Hell, it's still popular today, and there's a very good reason for that: "Beautiful" is a damn good song.

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down

The song promotes acceptance and self-empowerment of all people. It has been hailed as the LGBT anthem of the 2000s, and for good reason. "Beautiful" is... well, a truly beautiful song. So why do I have such praise for "Beautiful", but such contempt for this song?

To understand where I'm coming from, you have to understand that lately, Canadian music has latched onto the "self-empowerment" bandwagon and never really let go. Which, to be fair, is a very Canadian attitude. We're always looking to support our fellow Canadian in their quest to gain self-confidence to maintain our identity as a peace-loving nation. God knows we need all the PR we can get after Rob Ford was let loose.

But god damn, do these songs have to be so clichéd and dull?

Bringing the topic back to "Beautiful" for a second, that song worked so well because it came from a real, heartfelt place. Compare this:

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

to this, Hedley's entry in the Canadian self-empowerment brigade:

Be a movie star or rock a main stage,
An Xbox tester, or an astronaut in space,
If they tell you that you can't,
You can shove it in their face,
I can, I can, I can, so

Now then, which one sounds honest and which one sounds like an overly optimistic, yet immature song for kindergartners? I'm praying you chose the same ones I chose.

That's exactly the problem with Canada's recent influx of self-empowerment songs: They don't sound real. They sound horribly, horribly manufactured and clichéd. And it's exactly those problems that are prevalent in "We Are Stars".

Everything's so small when you're on top of the world

This is the opening line. Really? Really, song? Where's the journey? Where's the struggle? Hell, at least when Drake did "Started From the Bottom", he mentioned that he started from the bottom! Who wants to hear about somebody who starts on the top and stays there? There's no story arc!

The song does eventually get to some "struggles" that the listener may or may not be experiencing, but these struggles are so vaguely and confusingly worded that I just cannot bring myself to care.

It's hard to see the light when you're caught up in your life
You're scared and insecure cause now it's fight or flight

"It's fight or flight", huh? Tell me, which defense mechanism is appropriate for dealing with clichéd lyrics like these?

Keep dreaming, keep dreaming, keep dreaming
Keep on, keep believing

Don't you mean "don't stop believing"?

Oh, I wish. Oh boy, do I wish.

No, that's another comparison that illustrates why other songs are good and this one sucks. "Don't Stop Believin'" has a pulse, but this slogs along like it's leftover reverb from some drunken indie pop jam session. I already posted part of the chorus earlier, but I didn't really convey in the text how it sounded. This should do the trick:

Weeee aaaaarrrrrreeee staaaaars and
Weeee aaaaarrrrrreeee oooopeen-hearted

"Beautiful" had kind of a slow pace too, but god damn if Christina Aguilera wasn't giving it everything she had with her vocals. This guy sounds like he's trying to save his voice for a big concert later. The problem is, this is your big concert, buddy. Own it, don't moan it.

Speaking of moaning, did I mention Alyssa Reid yet?

We are the kings and queens of hearts that break
We may fall in between the cracks
Living life like it's just a game of blackjack
I don't know how but we always find our way back

Admittedly, Alyssa Reid's lyrics are by far the best lyrics of this song, but I've never liked her singing voice, and this song isn't about to prove me otherwise. I don't know if she's trying to sound like she's on the verge of bursting into tears, but it ends up sounding like she's constipated. Now there's a self-empowerment image. I am worthy of the laxative!

I don't know, guys. This song just doesn't do it for me. I would feel bad, though, if this was somebody's personal strength anthem, and I took it away from them like this. So this would be a good time for me to remind you all that this is only my opinion. I'm not a music scholar; heck, I'm not even a music student. This is just my little writing niche, okay? Remember: you are beautiful, no matter what I've said. Words can't bring you down...

Seriously, just listen to "Beautiful", okay?

Monday Musings: Why Katy Perry?

On this Monday Musing, I'm going to tackle a topic that I'm sure everyone has wondered about at some point ever since 2008: Why the hell is Katy Perry so popular?

I mean, yeah. Her songs are catchy enough to be popular... but does she have enough of a personality to justify her presence in pop music? You look at Lady Gaga, and you can't deny that she has a personality. Taylor Swift has a defined personality. Ke$ha has one. Beyoncé has one. Like it or not, Miley Cyrus has certainly established a personality for herself as well. But at the end of the day, it always seems to be Katy Perry that the general public flocks back to. Almost all of her singles have been in the Top 10 - hell, a good chunk of her singles have held the number one spot at some point. So what's the deal with Katy Perry? Well, to understand Katy Perry, let's go back to her first successful single, "I Kissed a Girl".

Now, this song definitely got people talking, because OH MY GOD SHE KISSED A GIRL AM I RIGHT??? But love it or hate it, I believe that this song is the only reason Katy Perry is famous.

If she had released "Hot n Cold" first, no one would have cared. While I think "Hot n Cold" is a better song than "I Kissed a Girl", it's mostly just a disposable pop song. "I Kissed a Girl" is different. It hit a nation growing in tolerance of the LGBT community at the right time. People wanted to hear a heartfelt, romantic love ballad from the point of a female ostracized from society for having intimate relations with another female.

Okay, who am I kidding. People wanted to hear Katy Perry girl-on-girl action.

This song made it big, and quickly established Katy Perry as a sex symbol, something that none of her other singles could have done as successfully. Even "California Gurls" kind of relies on Katy Perry already being established as a sex symbol. So in short, Katy Perry's success rests on her first single exploiting her sexuality, and having it dominate her personality for a while. Now I guess she's trying on a "Beautiful"-era Christina Aguilera and "Bad Romance"-era Lady Gaga hybrid personality for size, but maybe she should just go back to doing what she does best: tasting cherry chapstick.

Then again, what do I know? She's still as popular as ever. I'm pretty sure an audio recording of her talking to plants would reach the Top 10 at this point. So keep on doing what you're doing, Katy Perry. It appears to be working for you, although I'm not sure what it is. *hums chorus to Dark Horse*

"Loyal" - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne & Tyga

On Easter, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Saviour.

But unfortunately, today I also have to deal with another chapter in the perpetual and perplexing resurrection that is Chris Brown's career.

These hoes ain’t loyal
These hoes ain’t loyal

Oh, your "hoes" aren't loyal, Chris Brown? Your "hoes" aren't loyal? Well, I wouldn't be either, after being punched in the face repeatedly!

Okay, I tried to ignore the elephant in the room on the last review I did with Chris Brown in it, but no. This cannot be ignored any longer.

On February 8th, 2009, Chris Brown violently beat up and threatened to kill then-girlfriend Rihanna. Since then, he turned from dreamboat Usher wannabe to insufferable jackoff, never justifying why we still choose to accept him into pop culture. Look! Here he is with a tattoo of a battered woman! Here he is attacking Frank Ocean with a side of homophobic comments! Here he is being a twat on Twitter! The levels of douchebaggery in this man are endless!

Yet, somehow... he still has fans. And the fans he has deeply, deeply disturb me. But they're enough that he can still manage to get into the Top 20 of the Billboard Hot 100. So it looks like, whether I want to or not, I have to review a Chris Brown song.

I wasn't born last night

Oh, hi there Lil Wayne. You weren't born last night, eh? You could've fooled me.

Lil Wayne kind of frustrates me. He can be really talented when he wants to be, but most of the time he just goes bare minimum and starts to sound like a parody of today's rap music. Here, Lil Wayne introduces the song's thesis: Don't trust gold diggin' hoes.

Nigga, that’s that nerve
Why give a bitch your heart
When she rather have a purse?

I'm sorry, "give a bitch your heart"? I'm expected to believe that Lil Wayne is this big softie underneath it all? Well, I don't. So whatever this song is doing, it's not enough.

Lil Wayne's verse is mostly a wash, but let's see if *shudder* Chris Brown does anything to make this song better.

Just got rich
Took a broke nigga’s bitch
I can make a broke bitch rich
But I don’t fuck with broke bitches

Okay, so let's count all the things wrong with this set of "lyrics":

1. Rhyming "rich" with "bitch" with "rich" with "bitches".
2. "Broke", "bitch" and "rich" are used entirely too much as a whole.
3. You can't complain about gold digging girls if you are specifically singling out gold digging girls to date.
4. I want to punch Chris Brown in his ugly face every time I see him.

Okay, that last one strayed a bit. But there's so much wrong here, and we're barely into the song. To quote "Pompeii", how am I gonna be an optimist about this? Oh, that I were listening to that song.

Actually, that's not a bad idea. Yeah. You listen to "Loyal", then review it for yourself, while I get my faith restored in popular music by listening to a little Bastille! No? Worth a try.

Where this song fails hardest is that we're expected to sympathize with Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Tyga. I can't bring myself to sympathize with one of them, let alone all of them. It's just an ugly song throughout, and I can't bring myself to bother pointing out anything else about this song. I'd just like to encourage everyone to stop giving Chris Brown support. He does not deserve it. Not for his music, and not for his attitude.

Also, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING

Bear... head.. man? Okay, I've had enough. Bear-head-man is where I absolutely draw the line. Go die in a fire, Chris Brown.

Weekend Wrap-Up (Apr. 13-19 2014): Coachella. Coachella, And More Coachella (And Other Stuff)

Welcome to another Weekend Wrap-Up! This week's news mostly focuses on the Coachella festival, which just finished up its first weekend last week and is currently in the middle of its second. There was a little something for everyone at this festival, from Pet Shop Boys to Lorde to Beyoncé. 

Pharrell, along with Lorde and Beyoncé, were among the most tweeted artists on Saturday's show. Pharrell's performance featured surprise guests such as Busta Rhymes, Tyler The Creator and Gwen Stefani.

This year's Coachella festival is one of its most mainstream, featuring more current Hot 100 artists than ever before.

In other festival news, The Budweiser Made in America Festival will be expanding to Los Angeles, as well as remaining in Philadelphia, making it a bi-coastal event. Los Angeles' festival will take place at Grand Park.

Sharon Jones says that there is "enough material" for her band, The Dap-Kings, "to work on another album". Their last album, Give the People What They Want, was delayed when Jones went through surgery and chemotherapy for second stage pancreatic cancer. Now she and the band are more ready than ever for the busy schedule ahead of them, including multiple concerts in North America and Europe.

Finally, after 18 years, Prince has returned to Warner Bros. Records. In the 1990s, Prince had an infamous debacle with the record company, feeling like a slave to the company. He changed his name to a symbol to express his distaste with his treatment, and left the contract and the company in 1996. Why he's returning is unknown, and Warner Bros Records has declined to comment on the details of the record deal. But CEO Cameron Strang has expressed that "Everyone at Warner Bros. Records is delighted to be working with Prince again".

Flashback Friday: "Signs" - Tesla (1991)

This one goes out to all you long-haired freaky people.

By which I mean, in the case of 80's and early 90's, metal bands.

This is Tesla. They formed in 1982, and went on to sell 14 million album in the United States. One of their biggest hits was their cover of the Five Man Electrical Band song, "Signs".

Now back in 1971, the "long-haired freaky people" were hippies. And this song definitely cements itself as an anthem for that era. Attacking everything from business corporations to dress codes to churches, it truly fueled the anti-establishment movement's fire. Now, how does that fit in with Tesla?

Well, when long-haired, do as the long-haired do, I guess. I don't think that the cover works terribly well, as some of the values expressed in the song just don't seem like metal values:

And the sign said anybody caught trespassin' would be shot on sight
So I jumped on the fence and yelled at the house, "Hey! What gives you the right?"
"To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep Mother Nature in

If God was here he'd tell you to your face, man, you're some kinda sinner"

I just don't think that many metal bands were getting their hair in a frizz about people putting up fences. But there is a sense of counterculture in Tesla; I just don't think it's the same kind of counterculture that Five Man Electrical Band were going for. As an example, in live versions of the song, Tesla would often replace words in the song with expletives.

So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign

becomes

So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own fuckin' sign

It just doesn't work for me. Five Man Electrical Band's version was cheeky, but it wasn't angry. It was just kind of the narrator laughing at the world around him. It also doesn't work with the lyric that follows:

I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."

I'LL MAKE MY OWN FUCKING SIGN thank you jesus

The song's just not very timeless. The same problem came with Kylie Minogue's version of "The Loco-Motion", which I reviewed a while back. It's not "a brand new dance", you're doing a dance people did in the sixties!

I love the original song, but the cover kind of flops for me. Sorry. Call it a counterculture to the counterculture or what have you. Tesla seem like a decent band, but this would probably be a misstep for anybody in that era.