Flashback Friday: "Cry Me a River" - Justin Timberlake (2003)

Okay, so we've covered Justin Timberlake here before. His new stuff, his old stuff. Well, let's look at more of his old stuff today. Sorry, this is Flashback Friday.

Ah yes, "Cry Me a River" - one of the most disgustingly whiny songs ever written. I like a lot of Justin's music, there's some I'm a little more ambivalent on. But this, this straight up fucking blows.

Just... everything about this song is so annoying. It's got these douchey lyrics, this high-pitched warbling coming from Justin, it's all just a big ball of annoyance.

Now I get the message of this song, and Justin has every right to be upset with the girl he's with, because she cheated on him. Perfectly logical. so why can't I accept this song for what it is? I mean, he's just being sensitive, right? In touch with his emotions?

..okay, fine, but does he have to be so irritatingly bland about it?

Look, Beyoncé's song "Irreplaceable" puts her in the winner's chair most definitely. It's a triumphant breakup song. While I do think it goes a little too far in that regard, at least Beyoncé can pull it off. Justin's warbling of "cry me a river, cry me a river" does nothing to elevate his status in this relationship. He sounds way too weak and limp for a guy telling a girl it's their turn to cry.

That's the real problem with this song: it's way too milquetoast to justify its existence. Maybe if it hit harder, like - I can't believe I'm saying this - *NSYNC's "I Want You Back", then we might feel for Justin. He could be angrier, or prouder, or hell, he could be whinier. Despite how whiny I said the song is, that really only comes through in the chorus's lyrics. Justin plays it off like it's nothing, which is definitely the wrong move.

I'd like to say that I like the production work on this song, but... honestly, this is one of Timbaland's more muddled beats. The guitar and beats don't work together like they did so well in The Neptunes' "Like I Love You" beat. And no, Timbaland getting in on the vocal work doesn't help either.

The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving

Timbaland: we know you exist: You're in the goddamn video. Your beats are usually on point. You don't need to keep reminding us of your existence by punching in to one of the most personal songs Timberlake could write. I mean, yeah, he doesn't help his case either, but it's not like you're really providing anything.

I don't know, I don't mind Timbaland's interjections on "SexyBack", because he kind of just rolls along with Justin's cool persona and it works. But this? He's emoting even less than Timberlake, which is a further detriment to the song and is distracting.

So... cry me a river, boys. I hate this song. The damage is done, so I guess I'll be leaving. Sorry.

Watch-for-it Wednesday: "Take Ü There" - Jack Ü

All right, so you know Skrillex, and you know Diplo. Or at least I assume you do. Anyway, a dubstep artist and an EDM artist have temaed up to create the pairing "Jack Ü". And the umlaut in their name is going to make writing this all the more difficult. Oh well.

Their first released single, "Take Ü There" (Really? An umlaut there too?) features Kiesza and was released in September of 2014. The video was released in late November of the same year, and since then it's amassed more than 4 million views. Actually, let's be honest: that number isn't really impressive anymore. Nowadays you have to get at least 100 million views to call yourself a smash hit. But I digress. The song has at least notably created some buzz in the music world. Is it enough to guarantee a smash hit for Jack Ü?

Well, Skrillex has already proven himself in the past with bringing straight-up dubstep to the mainstream. And Diplo's had some commercial buzz too, with his 2013 album peaking at 68 on the album chart and his work with artists such as Sia and The Weeknd. So the team-up, along with famous name Kiesza, should be a smash hit, right?

Well, none of the artists have really broken into the mainstream the way artists I usually cover have. Skrillex's biggest hit was "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites", which merely peaked at 69 on the chart, and Diplo's work has mostly been behind the scenes of more famous artists. Kiesza's made it big in Canada but as for the Hot 100? Couldn't crack the Top 50. (Here, we care about the Hot 100 and only the Hot 100.) So maybe the dream team isn't as commercially successful as one would think.

But let's look at what we came here for: the single. How's it fare? Well, I think it's pretty damn fantastic, using each artist's contributions to their full advantage. All the artists are rooted in dance music, but very different styles. This mesh of styles works immaculately, with Skrillex's harsh dubstep sounds, Diplo's EDM buildup, and Kiesza's house rhythms and vocals. If this is what we can expect from Jack Ü, then count me in!

Hot 100 Success:

Will they have it?

While I'd like to see it happen, I'm not sure that the mainstream is as willing to accept it. Come on, 4 million views? I can't believe I'm saying this, but step up your game, 'cause that's nothing, people.

Should they have it?

Yes please! Let's have 2015 be another 2012 where anything and everything can make it onto the charts! Let's have it be a glorious year!

CanTunes Tuesday (Flashback): "Somebody" - Bryan Adams (1985)

It's been 30 years since Bryan Adams released his hit album Reckless. Showcasing a harder rock version of the singer (well, as hard rock as he can get) and spawning 6 singles, it became a staple in Canadian rock history. So let's take a look back at one of his singles, "Somebody". Because we all need somebody. You need me, I need you. Seriously, I need you. Please keep coming back. Uh... anyway, here's "Somebody".

So this was the second single released on the album after "Run to You". Now "Run to You" was a blistering, power-driven song that could only really be compared to "Take Me Back" in terms of how raw and full of pure rock energy it was. I mean, this is still Bryan Adams, we're not getting into like, Iron Maiden or anything. But still, for Bryan Adams this was a pretty hard-rock song. So to follow it up, he released "Somebody", which is damn good on its own, serving as a bridge between the hard rock anthem and the feel-good ballad soon to come. It's clear that Adams has gotten more rockin' at this point (again, to an extent), but his songs from Reckless don't alienate. Hell, this one in particular is just begging you to sing along with its big, slow chorus.

I need somebody (somebody like you!)
Everybody needs somebody

That's a crowd-pleasing statement. Yeah, everybody does need somebody. And Bryan Adams needs all those somebodies to sing in unison so that the crowd can seem enthused during his concert tapes!

But the song does pump. It's got a pretty good, thumping riff going for it, couple short solos here and there to spice things up, and of course the big sing-along chorus to tie it all together. As far as songs off of Reckless go, I'd probably rank a few higher, but this one definitely has its merits. Probably the song that most lends itself to audience participation at concerts. It's good to have a song like that. Get them involved. Oh yeah!

There's a reason Bryan Adams has stuck around: despite his grandiose songs, he's never seemed unapproachable in his music. He's either heartfelt or fun. And while I can't say that I enjoy all his songs (for example, somebody please explain to me what the hell this is), I've come to accept Bryan Adams as a solid offering over the border from us jolly citizens of Canada. Good job, Bryan. We all need somebody like you.

"Love Me Like You Do" - Ellie Goulding

Okay, so I was fine with 50 Shades of Grey having The Weeknd make a song for the movie. I never really liked the guy as a performer anyway, so it had no real effect on me, despite the slimy nature of both the movie and the song. But this... well, this needs to be erased from my realm of existence.

Ellie... why?

Apparently, if you're looking to silence the critics of your faux-BDSM movie, a good way to do that is to get Ellie Goulding on the soundtrack singing about love, and letting the other person set the pace, and... seriously, what the hell is going on here? How does this song relate to the movie at ALL?

Look, if you want to make an awful, rapey, torture porno, fine. It's a free country. But don't try to pass this stupid movie off as an expression of true love by having sweet-sounding Ellie Goulding on the soundtrack singing about it! Did you feel that this movie didn't distort the idea of love enough, so you had to add this in?

Okay, I'm going to get nowhere with this song if I have to connect it with the movie. I don't really feel the connection anyway, so forget about the movie. Let's focus on the song by itself.

Now when I look at this song, I think it's actually quite good. Ellie Goulding's always been good at providing this ethereal, otherworldy-sounding perspective in her music, and it shines through here. Even when she's singing about a topic as mainstream as love, she manages to make it her own. It's not her best work, but it is a solid offering.

I just wish it didn't have to be associated with 50 Shades! That's what really bothers me, and you just have to take a look at the music video to see what's wrong. There's a part where it looks like the guy is stalking the girl, and throughout the entire damn video, the girl looks terrified. Love me like you do? How about "Every Breath You Take"?

I'll be happy when this 50 Shades thing dies down and I won't have to look at it again. For now, Ellie Goulding needs to look at getting a new agent, because being associated with this movie is not something I'd like to add to my legacy.

Flashback Friday: "The Theme from a Summer Place" - Percy Faith and His Orchestra (1960)

All right. Let's get obligatory references out of the way, shall we?

There we go. Now let's talk about the theme from A Summer Place.

A Summer Place is a romantic drama starring two star-crossed lovers and their journeys apart and together. It's also a movie that nobody remembers unless you're talking about its theme.  So screw it, let's get right into it.

This movie theme was actually the biggest Billboard hit of 1960, eclipsing the movie's success significantly. Percy Faith even won a Grammy Award for Record of the Year. Hey, remember when the Grammys still mattered? Okay, let's not open up that can of worms again.

But why? Why does the song endure and the movie does not? Well, when you have a really good movie song, it can eclipse the movie it's on because it not only applies to the movie, but it also can have a broader significance. Look at Flashdance. That movie spawned two singles that were far bigger than the movie ever was, because the singles could stand on their own as songs. Damn good songs, if I might add. Is the same true with "The Theme from a Summer Place"?

I'd say, unequivocally, yes. "The Theme from a Summer Place" has done more than eclipse the movie it's in and become single of the year. It's become a staple in popular culture for the idea of peaceful, happy music. There's a reason there's so many instances of it used: the melody is so far lodged in our brains that we won't be able to get it out, and more importantly, we wouldn't want to. Jasper Beardley's version will always have a special place in my heart, but as for the original? Yeah, it deserves its godly status. IT'S THE THEEEEEME FROM A SUUUUMMER PLAAAAAACE... hmm, maybe it can only be pulled off by crotchety old men on The Simpsons.

Watch-for-it Wednesday: "Quick Fast" - Audio Push

Hey! Are you sick of rappers bragging about money, bitches, and how generally awesome they are? Well... sorry, today is not for you.

This is Audio Push, a rap duo based in California. The two cashed in earlier in 2009 back when jerking was a popular dance craze...

...also, back when the New Boyz were a thing. Strange year. But anyways, they released a song called "Teach Me How to Jerk". It never really took off on the charts, but... okay, hold on a second. When did that "Dougie" song come out? 2010? Okay, so that's ripping off this. Phew, don't need any more strikes against Audio Push.

Okay, they're not all bad. At the very least, they sound competent, which is more than I can say for a distressing amount of popular rap last year. But... I just feel like I've heard this type of song over and over and over. "Quick Fast" is a bragging song. He can do so many things. He can steal your girl, he can make money, he can throw wild parties. And he can do it all with the snap of a finger... or, "quick fast". Redundancy is redundant?

Given how low the bar has been set for popular rap music, I can't get too mad at this song, but I certainly don't like it that much. Beat and melody are okay, but at the end of the day, I've still heard this song a billion times before. That's right, a billion. I have a lot of time on my hands, you see.

Hot 100 Success:

Will they have it?

Honestly, rap music hasn't been doing too well lately on the charts. The big stars are still there - Nicki, Pitbull, Big Sean. But it seems like the public grew tired of rap music because of last year. I don't know if we're ready for new acts to become popular yet in the genre.

Should they have it?

I couldn't really care less whether these guys make it big or not. The best thing I can say about them is that they're harmless. We've heard this song many times before, and we'll hear it again. C'est la vie. And I just classed up this review about ten times more than I should have. Oh well, it happens.

CanTunes Tuesday (Flashback): "Goodbye Baby" - Jack Scott (1958)

Well, that period of new Canadian music being popular on the Canadian charts was short-lived. *sigh* All right then, let's go back to 1958 with Paul A... no, Jack Scott.

Yes, believe it or not, there were other Canadian artists from this time period that became popular! And we're lookin' at one of 'em today! Tell us, Jack. What message do you want to get across in your song?

Goodbye baby, bye bye
Goodbye baby, bye bye
Goodbye baby, bye bye
I'm gonna leave you now

All right then. So you're saying goodbye to your baby because you're gonna leave them now. Anything else?

Goodbye baby, bye bye
Goodbye baby, bye bye
Goodbye baby, bye bye
Johnny's going away

All right, we've got a name to the face... or voice, I guess. But is there anything else?

You were wrong, pretty baby, bye bye
Oh so wrong, pretty baby, bye bye
Yes so wrong, pretty baby, bye bye
Please don't you cry

You don't want to see her cry... okay, anything else?

Goodbye baby, baby, bye bye

Okay, whatever.

This is one of those songs from the 50's that has stuck around, and I can see why. It's got a simple message and a catchy melody. Maybe a little too simple, but it gets the job done by sticking in your head for the rest of the day. Hopefully you don't have a big date that night. This isn't really the song to be humming to yourself.

And for my money, Jack Scott's got a lot more 50's rock and roll swagger than Paul Anka ever did. I mean, Paul was a teen at the time, so cut him some slack. But I'd rather hear a lot more Jack Scott than Paul Anka. somebody who seems to know what they're doing. Someone who doesn't sound inexperienced. And this post just became about Paul Anka all over again, didn't it? *sigh* New songs, please!

"FourFiveSeconds" - Rihanna & Kanye West & Paul McCartney (plus Grammys commentary)

This past week, the Grammys happened. Now as much as I say the Grammys are a colossal waste of TV time that nobody should care about, I do tend to find myself tuning in for at least part of the ceremony, in the hopes that maybe something, maybe anything interesting would happen. Unfortunately I tuned out before Kanye West happened.

Now I did see his performnce of "Only One", and it was probably the best performance I did see, though that's not saying the much, since the Grammys don't know how to put on interesting performances anymore. While I've never bought Kanye as a singer before, he did use Autotune to his advantage in the performance and delivered a pretty solid perfromance. Certainlty more interesting than any other performance I saw that night (I tuned out after ELO, who I love, but... their age is showing bad).

And then... this happened.

All fun and games, right? Ha ha, remember the VMAs 5 or so years ago? Remember when he humiliated Taylor Swift, Beyoncé and himself all at once? What a funny callback that was, in no way was that action done with any form of serious intent!

On the other hand...

Ooh, maybe there was a little bit of malice involved.

Ehh... Kanye will be Kanye, it seems. For whatever reason, he wil lalways be there to stick up for Beyoncé whether she wants it or not. It's kind of hilarious how wrapped up in his own little world. He's like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Behind the mic he's a genius anyway. Now let's get to that, because there's a new song by Rihanna reaching the Top 10 this week and it features him and Paul McCartney of all people. It's called "FourFiveSeconds".

Honestly, I really like this. It's got a nice blend of classic acoustic guitar meshed with Rihanna and Kanye's voices. Rihanna's an artist that can pull off vulnerability and power, and this may be the most vulnerable she's ever been. That's to say nothing for Kanye, who goes light on the autotune and pulls off some vulnerability of his own. It's one of the most interesting songs on the charts right now, and if the Grammys were good for one thing, it was making this song a hit. It honestly makes me excited to hear more Rihanna, to welcome her back for 2015, which is shaping up to be a far better year than last year so far.

Flashback Friday: "The Other Guy" - Little River Band (1983)

1983! The year of... Little River Band?

Eh, whatever. Okay, so 1983! The year of Michael, Prince, Marvin Gaye, Hathaway... wait, no, that's turning into an MKTO song. But 1983 did have a lot of stellar artists! Little River Band, by contrast, was... okay.

They only had one hit this year in "The Other Guy", and it's a solid tune. It's got this good beat, though you can't really dance to it. It's got a nice melody. It's a very... nice song.

Actually, it's not that nice of a song. It's a song about heartbreak and trashing new lovers.

The other guy won't be around to talk to our kids
He won't understand when you're down the way that I did

Oh, of course he won't. Because he's not you, right?

Yeah, the song's a little presumptuous and while it's presented in a lighthearted fashion, it's still a tad bothersome. How do you know this guy won't make a good dad and husband? It's not really your place to call, you're the one that got dumped!

And that's why I can't say I support this song entirely. Not that it's a bad thing to feel negativity about someone, but the song doesn't provide enough context or content to justify his feelings. Actually, the verses and chorus are a bit of a mismatch. The verses talk about how sad he is that his girl left him, and the chorus just starts trashing this new guy. Thematically they connect, but emotionally there's a disconnect. Not to mention the song's a little too happy for its own good.

But, you know, it's got good stuff too. Take away the mismatched lyrics and you've got yourself a solid beat to nod your head to. That's essentially the focus of the song, and rightly so. It's tight, but fun at the same time. So overall, I would deem this song "okay". Not as bad as this "other guy", but maybe not as good as, say, Ryan Gosling.

Watch-for-it Wednesday: "Drip Drop" - Empire Cast

Okay, this is not the type of stuff I should be covering. But what can I say? I am merely a pawn that plays a small role in the ever-moving trending chart, and this is what I'm offered this week. So... let's watch some TV.

Okay, so there's this new show on FOX called Empire. Premiered about a month ago. The show follows an entertainment company called Empire Enterprises. The CEO is dying and there's drama and honestly I don't think any of that has relevance to this stupid song.

Look, you don't need a backstory in the show or even watch an episode to analyze this song. It's not really worth analysis. I doubt I'm gonna find something new to say about "drip, drop, drip drippity drop" because I saw episodes 1 through 5 of this show. In fact, I'm not even sure I have anything to say about it now.

This song almost offends me with how vapid it is. Like, I've heard a lot of stupid songs, but this is different. This is a song trying to be stupid, and it's too wrapped up in its own world to be considered parody, so I have to take it at face value. And oh man, does it make my skin crawl. I don't think I've ever described a song as "rancid" before, but this would be a good time for it. Just a pile of rancid crabmeat on the cutting board without any use for any consumer.

Ugh, everything about this song. It's... it's painful. It's uncomfortable to listen to. And not even in a fun way, like Nicki Minaj's fire-spitting. It's just a thoroughly unpleasant experience. I don't even want to go into analysis; I just want the torture to end.

Hot 100 Success:

Will they have it?

Unfortunately, this got so big that it trended on Twitter for god knows what reason, so I can see the cast having a little success. Never mind that every single thing I've covered this year on Wednesday deserves it more.

Should they have it?

Whoooooaaaa nooooooo. And that's it. I'm done with this drippity droppity nonsense. Gag me.

CanTunes Tuesday: "Pocket Full of Dreams" - Hedley

Hey, something I neglected to mention in my last Canadian review: Canadian songs are making it onto the current chart again!

I know, I'm excited too. It means I get to review new acts, like... Hedley again?

All right, fine. "Pocket Full of Dreams" it is. This song is boring.

...

There. Review over. Y'all can go back to your lives now. Nothing more to see here.

All right, I'll try to analyze it further. So, yes. This song is definitely boring. But why is it boring? From whence does the boredom emanate? Did I even use half those words right? So many questions, and so little to answer with!

Okay, so the last Hedley song I reviewed was their 2007 hit, "For the Nights I Can't Remember", which was a love ballad just like this one. But there's a stark difference between the two: "For The Nights I Can't Remember" sounds like it came from an actual band.

Look, for all intents and purposes, the two are thematically similar. But "For The Nights I Can't Remember" puts soul and feeling into its words, while "Pocket Full of Dreams" sounds like it just fell off a conveyor belt in a pop music factory.

Even Hoggard's voice sounds more calculated than it does in his "Nights" performance. I hung onto every word he belted in that song, but here he doesn't grab me at all. This is a much safer performance with no raw edge in his vocals or anything to keep me hanging on. It's the exact kind of adult contemporary music that won't offend anybody, but won't really grab their attention, either. They just leave it on because they're too lazy to change the station. Hey, it happens.

*sigh* What else is there to say about this? Anything of note in the lyrics?

Honestly, the lyrics are pretty muddled. Hoggard is trying to get across the idea that this girl means everything to him, but it's just a bunch of comparisons and analogies thrown in like a messy salad.

I know if I smoke then I might die
But I won't die for anything but you

You know if you smoke then you might die? Hold on, when did this become an anti-smoking PSA?

Yeah, I wish.

The other thing is, I'm only noticing these lyrics now, looking back on them, because the song's so boring I didn't even care enough to pay attention to them the first time. It's just this dull drag of music for almost four minutes, which usually isn't that long, but when you're making boring music like this, it can last an eternity listening to it.

My dream is that Hedley gets their shit together and starts making better music again. Don't let me down again, boys.

"Time of Our Lives" - Pitbull & Ne-Yo

Yeah, Pitbull's still around.

You thought he went away in 2014? Nope, he's back, baby! And yes, just as stupid as ever. But that's why we like Pitbull, right? He's the loud, obnoxious party guy that you wouldn't mind listening to for a few seconds, but give him three minutes and your brain turns to oatmeal. This video gives him almost five.

Well, that's not entirely true. There's an opening to the video and Ne-Yo takes up a chunk of the song as well. Say, have these two met before?

Oh yeah, "Give Me Everything"! If you weren't party rocking or rolling in the deep, you were probably listening to this song in the summer of 2011. And for decent reasons, too. For all of Pitbull's faults, he does know how to have a good time. And I admit that even I found myself calling this my summer jam of that year. It's a good song to party to.

So, you know, if you have a song this successful, doing it again can't do much harm, can it? How similar are these songs, anyway?

Well, I'm fairly certain that you can take any Pitbull rap and switch it around with another Pitbull rap and you'd scarcely be able to tell the difference, so before we get to him, let's go to Ne-Yo, who actually gets equal billing on the credits this time around. Does he do anything extraordinary to liven up the track?

Look, the track needs an Usher for this chorus. Ne-Yo doesn't do too bad, but when he sings that he's having the time of his life, it takes a little suspension of disbelief to make that true in my head. Despite the music, he just sounds so dreary. This was a huge problem in "Give Me Everything" as well. Party just doesn't seem to fit Ne-Yo very well.

But I'll tell you who it does fit. On second thought, why doesn't he tell you himself?

MR. WORLDWIDE

There it is.

Okay, let's see if there's anything worth parsing out in Pitbull's stuff.

This is the last $20 I got
But I'ma have a good time ballin' or not

Now see, this is where this song does have its high points, and it's similar to "Give Me Everything" in this way as well. Pitbull's not just partying in this song, he's partying despite hardships. And it's actually done better here, because while "Give Me Everything" just had this vague "hey, bone me because tomorrow never comes" message, this is actually a real problem that Pitbull is choosing to ignore for the time being and just enjoy himself. That's admirable, in a shortsighted kind of way.

Okay, blah blah blah girls drinks and stuff, and then...

This is for anybody going through tough times
Believe me, been there, done that
But everyday above ground is a great day, remember that

In theory, I should hate this set of lines because at first glance it's another vague "look, I had da struggle but I'm not gonna tell you about it" thing that "Started from the Bottom", one of my least favourite songs of 2013, had. But the thing is, Pitbull isn't trying to convince us that he has "street cred" or whatever through his tough times. He's just showing how grateful he is to be alive, despite the tough times that he's been through. And he's gonna enjoy every second of it. Now that's admirable in a genuine way.

Hmm... so, I guess I like this song a little.

As far as "Give Me Everything" clones could go, this one actually supersedes the original, being about real, tangible topics and still managing to capture the spirit of enjoying life in some parts. Is it still flawed? Sure. Is it still stupid? Absolutely. But you know what? Screw it, it's fun, and it does have elements that work. 

Perhaps my Pitbull expectations have just been significantly lowered over the years, but I do think this is one of his best. Just a great party anthem that you can throw on without thinking too hard about it. Good job, Pitbull. You worked your ass off, and it paid off.  

Flashback Friday: "I Wanna Be Down" - Brandy (1995)

You know, another fun thing to do in February is lament your lack of a love life with some straight up gin. Or... vodka. Brandy?

Ah, there we go. Brandy. This singer from the mid-to-late 90's provides just the cure for your ailments by... singing love songs. Oh, god damn it!

Okay, so it's Brandy this week, huh? Lord help me. Brandy's not a bad artist; in fact, I quite liked "Have You Ever?", which I reviewed about a year back. But when we have acts like Mariah Carey, TLC, and En Vogue during this decade, Brandy sits at the kids' table. Literally. Pretty sure she's like 15 here.

Okay, to be fair, she's obviously going for a different style here. More cutesy than the rest of them. But it kind of skeeves me out that she's 15 and singing about "wanting to be down". Like, people say that today's kids are hopelessly sex-crazed; just listen to this!

I wanna be down 
With what you're going through 

Oh. Nice save there, Brandy.

Okay, so she wants to be "down" with what he's going through... I guess I'll buy that. it certainly fits a lot better with the persona she's trying to pull off.

But the song still doesn't really do it for me. It doesn't take any chances vocally the way "Have You Ever?" did, and ultimately that makes it suffer. It's all too one-note and boring for me to really grasp on. It's ultimately a harmless song, but harmless doesn't always equal good. In fact, the song could probably have been a little worse and I might have liked it better, paradoxically. I certainly would have remembered it better. Sorry Brandy, I'm just not down with this song. Or this month. Seriously, do we need February? It's only got 28 days, that's practically a weekend!

Watch-for-it Wednesday: "Days" - Beach Youth

You know, in the month of February, there's nothing better than taking a long stroll on a sun-soaked beach with your significant other... in your imagination, of course. Where am I heading with this? The next group today has "Beach" in their name! It's as good a segue as any, I'd say.

So this is "Days", a song released by a French indie pop band called Beach Youth. They don't appear to be gaining in popularity, i.e. retaining the "indie" part of their name, but they're still worth taking a look at just in case they ever do break into the mainstream.

Now then, what is this song about?

Well, it may as well be in French, because I don't have a clue what these guys are saying over the blasting music. The music's nice, but it is obscuring the singer. Then again, maybe we're not meant to hear the lyrics. Maybe it's just meant to be a mood piece.

...it would still be nice to hear the lyrics since they bothered to put them in, though.

Hmm, I guess this is good music, but it's not music for me. I prefer my music to be a little more... understandable, shall we say? This mumbling and music blasting doesn't do much for me. It's nice-sounding, but I can't attach much meaning or significance to it. And that's where the song falls flat for me. You like it, good on ya. Check out some of their other stuff, they could use the views. They could definitely use some views...

Hot 100 Success:

Will they have it?

They're way too far off the mainstream field to ever dream of scoring it big on Billboard. This one's a resounding "no".

Should they have it?

I don't think the pop music scope would be worse with these guys on board, but I'm not clamoring for their success either. Final verdict: "Eh".

CanTunes Tuesday: "Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey)" - The Weeknd

Welcome to the month of love, everybody!

...

Yaaaaay.

It's February, and I am once again left alone without anybody by my side. But when I'm feeling down, what I like to do is read poorly written sex fantasies detailing abusive relationships and faux-BDSM. I mean, that's what I have the Internet for. But apparently we've also got this book named after not one, not two, but fifty shades of grey. Probably forty of which I couldn't distinguish between. But whatever. Before we get to the song, we have to talk about the book.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a book written by British author E.L. James in 2011. It shows a blossoming romance between college graduate Anastasia Steele and businessman Christian Grey. (Spoiler alert: THE NAME IS IRONIC.) It's been a best-seller since its publishing in 2012, and has gone on to both stimulate and horrify reading audiences everywhere.

I say "horrify" because some of the passages described in the book, as well as the general tone, have been said to invoke rape culture and unhealthy relationships. Now, having never actually read this book myself (Spoiler: I'M NOT THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC), I can't entirely judge fairly on these claims. But I can judge unfairly, just like any other critic! So here's my knee-jerk reaction: Fifty Shades of Grey is a clumsily written and morally questionable piece of literature that distorts greatly the ideas of BDSM and consent, and deserves the backlash it gets. There we go. Flock to me, right-thinking people!

All right, enough of this. So you've got an idea of the book, and why it's so controversial. Well, now they're making a movie about it, and we've got just the person for the job of the soundtrack!

Forget the book, that hair should be outlawed. Okay, what were we talking about?

Okay, so The Weeknd (Weakened or Weekend? How do you pronounce that?) has written a song that will be on this movie's soundtrack, called "Earned It". Ooh, set that entitlement tone early, buddy. What, are you gonna put on a fedora next?

Okay, it's not fair to judge a song by its title. So let's listen in.

So The Weeknd's thing is doing these dark, sultry songs that are guaranteed to get the libido going. And this is no exception, in that it sounds like the rest of his damn songs.

If you like this guy's shtick, then, well, good for you, I can't stop you there. But I feel like I don't like this as much as I should. There's something about this guy's voice that makes the song stop being sexy and focus on being whiny. Half the time it sounds like he's singing through his nose. Not exactly the best choice.

The other musical choices work to the song's advantage, admittedly. They help to set the tone a hell of a lot better than The Weeknd's voice does. But The Weeknd's voice is ultimately why I can't get into the song. It just... doesn't fit. If he sang at a bit of a higher register, he'd almost have this Adam Levine thing going on. Man, imagine if Adam Levine sang a dark-sounding sex song like this...

Oh right, we already got that, and it was terrible. Never mind!

I suppose the mismatched tone of this song will fit well with the muddled mess of the story, but I can't say that this song has convinced me to go see this movie. Of course, it would take a lot to convince me to go see this movie, but that's beside the point. This song is mostly just... ehhh. Kind of like how I feel about February. Thank god it's the shortest month.

"I Don't Mind" - Usher ft. Juicy J

Today, we're looking at a smooth, sultry pop singer known by the name of... Usher.

Okay, and now that everyone's panties have sufficiently melted, we can talk about his music. Now as far as these types of singers go, Usher's probably one of the best, able to go from fun and flirty to heartbroken and remorseful in a millisecond. Which begs the question: What type of song do we have here?

Shawty, I don't... mind

If you dance on a pole

That don't make you a hoe

Um... okay! What we have here is Usher letting his woman freely do what she wants in order to make money! Why she would need to make money when she's with Usher is a whole other question, but maybe she's just doing it to show off her sexual prowess. In any case, Usher's a pretty understanding guy for not even getting the slightest bit mad about this.

Go make that money, money, money

Your money, money, money

Okay, that's a little goofy-sounding. But it still gets the message across, so who am I to judge? (Honestly, I'm judging him a little harder for using the word "shawty" in 20 freakin' 15.)

Yeah, I'm gonna be honest: I thought this was gonna be corny, and in some parts it is, it really is, but... at the same time, I'm really digging this! You don't get many guys writing songs showing empathy for strippers. Usually all you get is Chris Brown's shit-spewing about "disloyal hoes" or whatever his wretched topic of the day is. It's nice to see Usher come in and up the class-o-meter of R&B by a bit.

Now, who can we get to bring that down by several notches?

(From "Dark Horse")

She's a beast, I call her Karma
She eats your heart out like Jeffrey Dahmer

Yeah, hi Juicy J. You weren't missed.

I’m just tryna cut her up, tryna bust a nut
Tryna take somebody bitch, turn her to a slut

Yeah, uh... context, Juicy. Context. How does this fit into the current narrative... oh my God. Are you stealing Usher's girl right now?

Throw some hundreds on that ass, walk her out the club
Lap dance for the first date
Bet I threw a few bands, that’s third base

Oh, he's one of those guys that thinks that strippers really like him! Um... yeah. No, Juicy. They like your money. Which Usher probably has more of anyway, so you're outclassed even by that.

Why Juicy J is on this track I can't fathom. He does nothing to get the message across, or even take it on a new turn. He's just got his own story that vaguely relates to Usher's, but is far less interesting. Usher deserves to stand alone, and that's definitely what should have happened here.

So... final verdict? Yeah, I still like the song. Juicy J isn't enough to completely ruin it, but his absence would definitely have been to the song's benefit. As is, though? I don't mind. Go make that money, Usher, as long as you come back and make more hits.