Because for every Michael Jackson there will be a Vanilla Ice, for every Biggie Smalls there will be a Hanson, and for every Lorde, there will be a Jason Derulo. Not to mention his rapping compadre, 2 Chainz.
Okay, so here's the premise of the song: Jason Derulo travels to countries, but doesn't bother to learn any languages spoken in the countries he goes too. But it's okay, because
Your booty don't need explaining
Geeeauuuugggggh.
No, the only thing he apparently needs to understand is when his latest chick is talking dirty to him. Given the path the song takes, girls tend to talk to Jason Derulo in the form of a badly played trumpet. Hey, it's better than I'd expect.
Look, some guys have game. Some musicians have game. Jason Derulo, on the other hand, has a long history of not having any game whatsoever. He can't even apologize correctly.
(From "Whatcha Say":)
Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
But when I become a star we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you
"Hey girl, don't worry about my cheating (yes, this is part of an "apologizing for cheating" song). I'll be getting so much money when I become a star, I can just buy your forgiveness! I have no respect for your feelings whatsoever, is what I'm saying here. WHATCHA SAAAA-AY"
So it shouldn't really come as any surprise to me that this latest song by Jason Derulo doesn't exactly have him improving his game.
I'm that flight that you get on, international
Comparing yourself to an airplane flight = comparing yourself to a long, stressful, uncomfortable experience. I'm sorry, did I hit the mark?
I got lipstick stamps on my passport
Why? Did she not want to kiss your slimy face?
You know the words to my songs
No habla inglés
Wha-what? What does this mean? When did you ever say that in a song? No, I'm not going to look it up, and please don't tell me if he did, because I'd like to live my life with as little Jason Derulo as possible.
Our conversations ain't long
But you know what is
Jesus, dude. This is not subtlety.
And speaking of lack of subtlety, here's 2 Chainz with a guest rap verse!
Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"
I didn't think 2 Chainz could top himself from that line in "Birthday Song":
She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty
And to be honest, he still hasn't. But that comes pretty close. Are you incapable of noticing anything in a woman other than her butt, dude? I get that you're an "ass man", but just once I'd like to see you rapping about, I don't know, a woman's personality.
She got a sense of humour so I call her Sense of Humour
On second thought, leave the cerebral thinking to other rappers.
Chest to chest, tongue on neck
International oral sex
I... I don't know. Either he has a very low opinion of his audience, or he's just a terrible lyricist.
"Got her saved in my phone under..." this song sucks! It's lifeless, stupid, inane, and garbage. I mean, I wouldn't want to be with either of these guys if I were a girl, so what's the story here? How did this song become so popular? Is there a douchebag market I'm missing out on?
Ugh, let's get back to good music next week. Please?
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