"Royals" - Lorde

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new queen in pop music.

Lorde, who, as far as I’m concerned, came out of absolutely nowhere, has now succeeded both Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus this fall as having the next #1 smash hit with “Royals”. So, why is this song so popular? Who is Lorde? Why should I care, or should I care? Let’s find out together, shall we?

Lorde was born on November 7, 1996 – okay, hold on a second.

November 7, 1996?! That means she’s 16! What the hell?

I mean, do you remember any artist making music like this at 16? What was Justin Bieber doing when he was 16?

Nope. So not on the same level.

But of course, I’m only judging this Lorde song on how mature it sounds right now. At a knee-jerk how-mature-I-think-it-is scale (it’s a very well-known scale, trust me or look it up), we’re sitting at about Adele level, which seems appropriate, given that I was also shocked out of my shoes in 2012 learning that she was 23 at the time. Seriously, there’s a 40 year old woman inside there. Anyway, I enjoy Adele’s music well enough. I wouldn’t call it some of the best stuff of this decade thus far, not when we have acts like Gotye breaking the mold even further. But her songs seem real, and authentic. I can get behind the subject matter and the way it’s presented; it’s soulful. Does any of this hold true for Lorde?

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh
I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies
And I'm not proud of my address,
In a torn-up town, no postcode envy

Okay, this is interesting. Starts off lamenting her background in less-than-middle-class life. I particularly like the line “I’m not proud of my address”. It’s a real concern that many lower-class people feel, being ashamed of their roots. Mentioning the stigma echoes the sentiments of a lot of people in this situation, I bet.

However, is she saying that poor people shouldn’t be “proud of their address”, or is she empathizing with them? Wow, this… this is actually quite complicated, and we’re only four lines in. Okay, bring it on.

But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.

All right, count me officially intrigued.

This is a song making fun of pop music that is now a pop song. 2013’s turning out to be a weird year, even more so than 2012. Yeah, every song is “look how rich I am!” But we don’t care! We’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams!

Yeah, I’m loving this. Go on.

And we'll never be royals (royals).
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of lux just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.

Okay, by the second half of this chorus, I’m a little confused.

The first half of the chorus fits in thematically: We’ll never be royals, we can find happiness in different things other than luxury, et cetera et cetera. By the way, good luck not becoming a “royal” after this song, Lorde. But where does the second half fit in? It seems to take a page off of the title, but what does it mean?

Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me Queen Bee

Whose ruler are you going to be? “You can call me Queen Bee”? Why?

And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.

“Live that fantasy”? After lines like this?

That kind of lux just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.

Instead of debunking your own chorus, why not dive into this “different kind of buzz” that you crave? Am I missing something? Let’s go back a bit.

We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.

Holy crap, maybe the first half of this chorus doesn’t fit.

You “crave a different kind of buzz”? It sounds like you’re craving this lifestyle that you’re mocking people for bragging about in pop songs.

This is getting harder and harder to unpack, and I’m almost ready to chalk it up to the writers not thinking the song’s lyrics through. But I will try one more time! Let’s start over.

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh
I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies
And I'm not proud of my address,
In a torn-up town, no postcode envy

Now the second line is confusing me. Not even because of conflicts in other lyrics; I just have no idea what it means. You cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movies? What? That sounds like you are rich and famous, being able to use wedding rings in movies as teething tools. Yet another contradiction!

Ehh… I guess I started out liking this song, but upon analysis, it’s starting to fall apart. Is there anything else of note?

My friends and I—we've cracked the code.
We count our dollars on the train to the party.
And everyone who knows us knows that we're fine with this,
We didn't come for money.

No, I’m not getting it. I think I’m done with this song.

Not that it’s a total loss. It does pack some authentic emotion with the shame of where she grew up. But everything else with the song bragging about wealth and Lorde’s nonconformity to that… I don’t know what she’s going for, really. Does she really not care? Or is this just jealousy?

…Actually, that might be it. Looking back on the lyrics, this is a really passive-aggressive song. “Oh, I don’t care! You’re singing about your wealth, but screw you! I’m driving Cadillacs in my dreams! So much better than actual Cadillacs.”

I don’t know if that’s the tone that was meant here, but it sure comes off that way. Even the way it’s presented comes off as a little condescending. It’s definitely interesting, and a nice change from the usual fare in pop music. I am intrigued by it, but it also leaves me feeling a little cold. Overall, passable. I’ll never be a royal, but let me live this fantasy of pretending my opinions will change music.