"Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus

Let's start things off by talking about Miley Cyrus. Unless you've been living under the clichéd rock, you know about Miley Cyrus. Chances are, you'd also like to stop knowing about Miley Cyrus. Let's face it: she started out terrible and she never went up.

In fact, she's gotten worse as the years progressed. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely hated songs earlier in her career like "Party in the USA". Even for disposable tweeny-bop Disney music, they were particularly disposable in their genre, what with their outlandishly terrible lyrics and Miley's wretched singing. That's right, I'm here to voice unpopular opinions like "Miley Cyrus couldn't sing and still can't." Her voice sounded exactly like you would expect a teenage girl's voice to sound like: whiny, annoying, and reeking of "Listen to me!" without giving us something worthwhile to listen to.

But even though the Miley Cyrus of yesteryear was a particularly bad standout in a music subcategory divorced from any meaning and emotion, at least it wasn't... "We Can't Stop".

This song is Miley Cyrus' worst, and believe me, she does not have a shortage of bad songs. It's supposed to be a party song, I guess, but this song does not make me want to party. It makes me want to weep for humanity. Seriously, this is a depressing song. The vocals, beat, and lyrics are all lifeless. I can't understand why anyone would listen to it; it's not emotionally deep for a ballad, and it's not upbeat for a party song. It's an out-of-place anomaly that shouldn't be popular, kind of like Cyrus herself.

So join me, new readers, as we dive into Miley's newest single, "Wrecking Ball". I'm sure that, as the title implies, it will be yet another wreck of a song!

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Um... holy crap, I think I actually like this.

I mean, it's real, it's emotional. It's Miley Cyrus at her most believably emotional, certainly more so than the likes of "The Climb", which is a hacky motivational poster of a song. No, I'm actually digging this. Continue.

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

...Wow. I haven't found anything to criticize yet. It's just... a good song so far. And I don't even mean "good for Miley Cyrus", I mean this is good. Well, what's the chorus sound like? I'm sure there's something to criticize...

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

Could this be a flawless Miley Cyrus song?

Her voice... actually sounds half-decent throughout the whole thing. Even if they're not the strongest vocals, at least they do enough to hold up the subject matter. The lyrics are relevant, even clever. Come on, there must be something to make fun of here!

Oh, yeah. People aren't watching this for the song, are they?

Yes, in case you're wondering, the reason Miley Cyrus had her first #1 hit is because of Billboard's policy to include YouTube streaming in determining their rankings. Was it the right move? Well, that's debatable. But there's no question that no matter how good the song is, the reasoning behind its #1 placement is that it's riding on the coattails of the video. And oh God, is this one a doozy. Licking sledgehammers? Riding naked on wrecking balls? Did I click on a Lady Gaga video by accident?

Actually, no. That's an insult to Lady Gaga, who's crazy, but at least classy about it. This looks like Miley Cyrus is going for the sexualisation angle, but just not cutting it. "Hey, I'm licking a sledgehammer! That's sexy, right?"

It's a shame, really. Because I love this song. It's definitely the best thing Miley's ever done, and it's one of the most emotionally authentic I think I've heard out of this year. But the video just muddles the message of the song, with Miley showing off her butt and licking sledgehammers... okay, that thing is probably germy as fuck! You put that down right now before you get tetanus or something!

So, bottom line: the song works, but the video doesn't.