"Show Me" - Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown

I'd like to think I'm a pretty optimistic person, that very few things faze me to the point of losing faith in humanity. But if there's one thing that makes me lose that faith, it's Mega-Douchebag Chris Brown coming back to have yet another hit.

I thought we were done with this guy! I thought he fizzled out in 2012, never to return! Why is he back? Who wanted this?

Okay, to be fair, it's not technically a Chris Brown song. But it may as well be. He makes up more than half of it. Who's this Kid Ink guy, anyway? It's not like he really tells me through his lyrics. He sounds like every other generalized terrible rapper today.

Can't see no time on the Rolex

Get it? His watch is studded with so many diamonds he can't even see the time on it! Well, then it's a pretty crappy watch. It's like a diamond-studded hat with sharp spikes on the brim digging into your head, which is also an accurate simile to illustrate this song. Let's start with the real "star" of this song: Chris Brown.

Babyyyy

Yeah

Mustard on the beat ho

Wait, what?

Mustard on the beat ho

Mustard on the beat?

Okay, so thanks to Rap Genius, I've discovered that they're referring to DJ Mustard, who produced this song. Wish I cared, but at least it makes sense now. Wait a minute! Exactly how much production work did this guy do? The entire song samples a slowed-down version of "Show Me Love", with some artificial claps and drum beats thrown in. That was worth mentioning in the song? Of course, maybe it's up to the producer.

Also, why is Chris Brown addressing this to a "ho"? Why does this woman he's trying to pick up care about who's producing the beat? And if she does, how does that help your game? She'll just go for DJ Mustard! *resists urge to make wiener joke*

But if nothing else, this intro sets the tone for the song: Stupid and charmless. Let's keep it going, Chris:

Baby let me put your panties to the side

*eye twitch*

So, we've reached a new low in pickup lines: the I'm-too-impatient-for-a-pickup-line pickup line. This isn't even clever. This is just "Hey babe, you should take your clothes off, because they're blocking my penis from reaching your vagina."

Of course, this beats what he says in the next few lines:

Mami you remind me of something

I don't know what it is

You remind me of something

You gotta show me

*eye twitch*

So, we've reached a new low in pickup lines: the THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A PICKUP LINE pickup line. Would anybody fall for this? Moreover, why are we still letting Chris Brown make sex songs? Why are we still letting him make music?

God, maybe Kid Ink saves this song. Almost anything would.

Uh, so tell me what your name is
I don't really care who you came with

Uh... is it just me, or does this line sound unnaturally aggressive? And it's not even a line from Chris Brown.

I don't really care who you came with
Unless you got a couple friends look like you

Classy. Anything else?

My bad if my ex try to fight you

Haha, catfight! Catfght! All guys love a good catfight!

Why not? It only adds to the sleazy tone of this song. (By the way, Seinfeld is awesome.)

Listen, let go of the tension
If I get a minute, I put your bad ass in detention

So... her ass is just going to sit there, thinking about what it's done? Not exactly the friskiest image, but okay.

As I thought, Kid Ink does nothing to save this song. If anything, he comes off worse than Chris Brown, which is a feat all on its own. So, I don't understand why this is popular. Somewhere, there must be a market for douchebag rap anthems. But it's not here. Show these guys the door.

Gotta end on a high note sometimes.