"Animals" - Maroon 5

Okay, so Maroon 5 has released this new song called "Animals". And I'm sure that this will be a song documenting the lives of animals, and telling us to protect the earth because we only have one... oh, who am I kidding? It's a sex song!

Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive

A sex song with violent imagery, but hey, if you're into that kind of thing, then...

Maybe you think that you can hide

What.

Maybe you think that you can hide

...What.

Maybe you-

Okay, okay, thrice is enough. But... wow. This took a downhill turn fast.

So I'm not going to pretend any longer that I'm not aware of the controversy surrounding this song. People are saying that it glorifies stalking and is dangerous for the minds of youth. Which... yeah, I can definitely see that. If the song was obviously ironic, like, say, the most famous stalking song in the world, then it would be a different story. But I'm pretty sure this song (and video) are meant to be taken completely seriously. Stalking is sexy, kids! Now go tell your parents this so they can set you straight.

Most of what's wrong with the song is actually in the video, which these days is the medium that Maroon 5 puts more effort into. Look, if this was just straight up Adam Levine stalking the woman, that'd actually be okay. We could look at this as a twisted look into a stalker's psyche. But then they cut to scenes of Adam Levine and this girl having sex, and... yeah, it's not sending a good message at all. All the awareness of stalking being a crime is stripped away with every sex scene, and it makes Maroon 5 look horribly offensive and out-of-touch with what is actually considered sexy in the real world. Hey, what more do you expect from 2013's Sexiest Man Alive?

Even without the questionable video, though, this song still blows chunks. Adam Levine's screechy voice is at full goldenhawk at some parts, and when it's not, the song is horrendously boring. Like, really? It's one thing to make a questionable song, but to make it boring as well? Now that's truly questionable.

I suppose it's a good thing that the song doesn't really sound that sexy, because maybe it'll help blur the controversial message it's apparently trying to send. But my patience for Maroon 5 and their non-antics is pretty much gone. They've completely lost their identity somewhere along the way. This song is so processed, so calculated, that it could have come from a pop song factory and I wouldn't doubt it. Just slap some screechy goldenhawk vocals on there, and it's quittin' time for Bob and Jill.

So, yeah. Nothing about this song or video works. Its incompetence, laziness and questionable ideals shine through in both the song and video. And the overall experience is really unpleasant. I only hope that this is the final nail in the coffin carrying Maroon 5's career, because I could really go the rest of my life without listening to another Maroon 5 song. I hope they never get another successful single again. They're done, I'm done, this review's done. Go away, Maroon 5. Go away.

Oh, and by the way, it really says something about your song when a damn Nickelback song with the same title is sexier than yours. "Sexiest Man Alive", my derriere.