Watch-for-it Wednesday: "Jealous" - Nick Jonas

So... does anyone remember the Jonas Brothers?

They were this group that was huge in the late 2000s because... they were dreamy, I guess? And edgy, I suppose, by Disney standards. I mean, they had guitars, dude! Shred it!

Yeah, uh... I honestly couldn't tell you anything more about these guys, because I never listened to them. I got bombarded with Bieber and Cyrus time and time again, but for some reason the Jonas Brothers escaped my radar as a tween. But now that I've got this gig, I see one of them has branched out on his own! And because his new song looks to be up-and-coming on the charts, it looks like I have to review it! God help us all.

You’re too sexy, beautiful

Yeah, poetry. Um... so I guess I actually have to listen to some Jonas Brothers to get a little context for this guy... well, I'm goin' in. Wish me luck. Let's start with "Burnin' Up".

...Holy God, been through puberty much, kids?

I think my voice was farther along before these guys, and I was 13. And that's not the only problem. These guys can't carry a note to save their lives. Who'd they take singing lessons from, Pierre Bouvier?

Okay, okay, we definitely don't need any of that. *sigh* Well, that was released in 2008. Maybe Nick Jonas, the most intolerable singer on that track, has matured since then. One can only hope...

Well... I guess his voice has gotten better. So what's the song about? Nick Jonas gets jealous...

No, no, we already did that song. Okay, so he gets jealous because some guy looked at his girlfriend. Well, okay, I guess it's reasonable to be a little wary...

I’m puffing my chest
I’m getting red in the face

Dude! It was one guy! There's no need to go all Incredible Hulk on this situation. Wait, didn't he turn green? Whatever. God help me if I'm late delivering a pizza to him. HULK SMASH ANCHOVIES!

Worse than this, though, is the fact that the music does not match the lyrics at all. And here's what's odd about the whole thing: Apparently, Jonas wants us to have sex to this song.

Because, you know, nothing sets the mood like an overly-attached, aggressive boyfriend. I sure want to have this next to my Barry White!

Look, if you want to do a jealous, angry song, then do one! If you want to do a sexy song, then do one! But if you can't decide... then maybe you should think about it a little more, because this really isn't working.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel with this song. Am I supposed to find this... endearing? Cute? Oh, that Nick Jonas, what won't he do next? I certainly don't find it "sexy", so you can count me out on that one. So... what? I'm just confused.

The emotion of jealousy just doesn't make for a sexy song. It's like writing a sex song about divorce. Or impotence. Or a typhoon. Actually, that last one might work in a twisted sorta way. But not jealousy. Look, Chromeo took this idea and they made a catchy dance song about it, which... in retrospect, is also pretty odd idea, but at least it doesn't directly contrast the subject matter like this song.

It's a mess. It's confused, odd, and almost creepy. Like, "Blurred Lines"-level creepy. Guh. I'm not supposed to get shivers from a former Jonas Brother. I feel all dirty inside. Time to take an ear bath.

Hot 100 Success:

Will he have it?

I didn't know people still cared about any of the Jonas Brothers. It's like still caring about The Click Five. These guys are supposed to die out with the times. But since he's apparently back in the spotlight again, I think he'll do decently well with a solo career, catering to those who can't discern lyrics. Because, honestly... his voice got better, at least.

Should he have it?

Not until he goes back to Music Writing 101. Have a nice class, Nick!