Flashback Friday: "Please Don't Go Girl" - New Kids on the Block (1988)

New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, and Chinese food makes me sick. But we're not here to talk about bad chicken-fried rice. We're here to talk about New Kids on the Block. This was one of their first hits, and it was the third single in a row that ended with the word "girl" in the title. That... might be a little bit overkill, even for a 1980's boy band. Anyway, let's take a listen to "Please Don't Go Girl".

Oh my god, is this bad. Look, there's Joey McIntyre on lead vocals, and he definitely hasn't hit puberty yet. I didn't know that the 1980's had a Justin Bieber as well!

I guess under the circumstances, his voice isn't that bad, but it's really jarring to hear when you know New Kids on the Block for smooth, catchy songs like "Step By Step", and then the next thing you hear is some prepubescent teen whining a love ballad. The song starts out relatively harmless, with a beat that sounds like it was stolen from a clapping slot machine, and Danny Wood mumbling something or other because you always need at least one mumbler in a boy band. I think that's why One Direction is so polarizing: they never had a mumbler.

And then it's like... wow, you let the poor little kid take the vocals. You know, when Michael Jackson did it with the Jackson 5, he was the unmitigated star of that group. But this? I'm sure you guys have better to offer. Like, don't you have anybody that can take this kid's place? I think he needs to go back to high school to finish his studies.

Oh well. How are the lyrics?

Please don't go girl 
You would ruin my whole world 

Not really worth mentioning. Okay then!

Look, this is the cheesiest and schmaltziest of cheese schmaltz. There's nothing of substance here, nothing lying beneath. Unless...

Tell me you'll stay 
Never ever go away

And if I rearrange some of those words...

Tell me you'll go away 
Never ever stay

Oh my god, it's a breakup song in disguise! No, that would be stupid. I mean, this song is stupid, but there's no reason to let my crackpot theories get the better of me. Let's take it for what it is: a shitty love song. New Kids on the Block would get better, at least in my opinion, but everyone has to start somewhere. They're just lucky that this didn't make them dead on arrival. Blech.