Bottom 10 Songs of 2014

The time has come.

This year being the first I've fully scrounged through, from January right to December, I'm more excited than ever to reveal my Bottom 10 picks for the year! Now, as a refresher, these songs come strictly from Billboard's Year End chart of 2014. They are the most popular and most prevalent bad songs of the year. Maybe shit stunk worse, but shit did not stink more often. Now a lot of these songs will be repeated from earlier blog posts this year, but that's the function of this post: I hated a lot of songs this year, but which ones did I hate the most? Let's find out in 3... 2... 1...

10. "Classic" - MKTO

A lot of the time, songs that end up on this list start out as "meh", but when I really think about it, I really start to loathe them. I mostly criticized the lyrics in my initial review, but these lyrics are serious problems. They're just so shallow, vapid and meaningless. And while I praised the music in my initial review of the song, this is reminding me more and more of Glee. I hate Glee. In fact, I really hate Glee. Here's how you stay off this list: don't remind me of Glee.

9. "Don't Tell 'Em" - Jeremih ft. YG

...Okay, I'm reading this review over. Before I talk about the song... what the hell is this:

"but he's kind of like the bay of hale with a needle in it, in terms of personality"

What's a bay of hale? You got me. I guess I must have been exceedingly tired when I wrote this. Probably just tired of Jeremih continuing to be recognized. Why? We don't need this guy around. He's not interesting, he's not creative, and partnering with perpetually uninteresting producer DJ Mustard just lowers his credibility even further. We really don't need you in 2015, Jeremih. Please go away.

8. "Burnin' it Down" - Jason Aldean

Look, I don't think it's much of a secret that I don't exactly have a liking for modern country music. But for all the faults of Florida Georgia Line, at least they sound like they're having fun with their music. Jason Aldean sounds like he hates country music as much as I do.

Again, I think I dismissed this song earlier as being "not that bad" back in August, but the more I thought about it, the more I resented just how generic and uninteresting this song is. This is seriously the most boring country song I've ever heard! I've heard stupid country songs coming out the wazoo, and at least I can just shake my head at those ones. But this? I don't have a clue what to do with this. It just sits there without doing anything and it doesn't give you anything to like about it. Also, the "burnin' it down" thing still gets me. Does your girlfriend have chlamydia? Seriously, help me out here.

7. "Best Day of My Life" - American Authors

Oh yeah, now here's a song I disliked from the get-go. I remember the day when American Authors created one of the worst days of my life with "Best Day of My Life". This song just offers nothing to me. It's vapid, shallow, almost pandering in its simplicity. It still sounds like a kid's song, and a bad kid's song at that. I need to lose at least a few brain cells to be able to enjoy this one.

6. "A Sky Full of Stars" - Coldplay

Now this one actually hurts a little, because I actually used to like Coldplay. I could see where the criticism came from, but at least they had their own thing! This is Coldplay trying on EDM, and it goes over about as well as that skinny 9th-grader trying on a football uniform. If Coldplay was boring before, they are seconds away from death now. Never have I heard a Coldplay song more disposable than this one. Hell, this might be one of the worst EDM songs I've ever heard.

5. "Summer" - Calvin Harris

Oh, right, right. There was also this "summer anthem" that turned out to be dead on arrival. And when you put Calvin Harris at the wheel, you can't expect much more than that. This song offers nothing. Calvin Harris just sucks, and I'm almost glad winter is here so that this song has even less relevance. Next!

4. "Stay With Me" - Sam Smith

Uh... that intrigue I was feeling when this song came out? Gone, gone, gone. Forget about it. Sam Smith is a boring artist, and this song is less intriguing and moreso just confused. And if it was enjoyable to listen to, that would be one thing. But this song is so boring I have less to say about it than a Calvin Harris song. That's pretty damn bad. Stay away from "Stay With Me".

3. "Show Me" - Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown

Have you ever heard the anti-pickup line in music? I have... but I don't know what it is right now. No, I do know. It's that stupid line, and that line makes up the hook of this song. And that says all you need to know about "Show Me". It's a horrendously stupid song with unbelievably unlikable artists, and to top it all off, MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HOE, a lyric I may actually hate more this year. So much failure in one song, and yet so much success on the charts. Gag me.

2. "Trumpets" - Jason Derulo

I wish there was a single word I could use to describe how much I hate this song. As is, the only thing I can say that accurately show how much I hate it is that I think it's the worst Jason Derulo song. That's pretty big, and I don't think I need to say much more. Well, that, and it was advised by my doctors that I stop commenting on Jason Derulo. Probably for the best. Well, without further ado, let's get to #1! What could possibly be worse than "Trumpets"?

1. "Animals" - Maroon 5

"What?" you're asking. "Some dopey Maroon 5 song is worse than that terrible Jason Derulo track? Have you lost your damn mind?" Yes... and maybe. But let's get into why I hate this song so much that it is my pick for the worst hit song of 2014.

Once upon a time, Maroon 5 was a band that, if nothing else, could at least be called a band. They had their own styles, and actually some pretty good songs. Somewhere along the line, that changed. I don't know exactly what happened, but the word "sellout" is sometimes thrown around for these guys, and with good justification. These guys are so ingrained into pop music sludge that I don't think they'll ever get out at this point. Speaking of points, this song has none. Listening to it more and more, it stops being about anything, merely serving as an example of Adam Levine's incompetence to write anything with any sort of emotion anymore. Maybe if this were creepy, I would like it more, because at least then it would have a point. But the music overshadows the lyrics in such a way that it just sounds like nothing. Nothing at all. And though some would argue that sounding like nothing is still better than sounding like Jason Derulo, I would rather have his gross, despicable personality around than this hunk of empty space any day. Maroon 5, go away.