Flashback Friday: "Dilemma" - Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland (2002)

Hey guys! Remember Nelly! No? Well, you should. He was the featured rapper on one of the biggest country songs of last year, and yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth typing that. But before he contributed to the ever-growing cesspool of bro-country, he had a career all on his own. A career that involved... melodic rapping?

Perhaps the biggest and most famous example of this can be found in his 2002 hit with Kelly Rowland, "Dilemma". Now, the dilemma I have is whether I find this song tedious or boring. On the one hand, "tedious" sums up the song in a better way, but on the other, "boring" is just such a simple way to express my distaste for this song. What's a man to do?

Well, let's take a look at Nelly's dilemma and see if that'll help me decide.

I met this chick and she just moved right up the block from me
And uhh, she got the hots for me the finest thing my hood did see
But oh no no, she got a man and a son, d'oh, oh

Okay, so the dilemma is that the girl that he likes has a husband and a kid. So, does he risk ruining a family in order to satisfy his hard-on, or does he spare the family heartbreak, yet curb his horniness as a result? It's truly a problem that can't be easy to consider, so Nelly must be very torn about...

But that's okay cause I, wait for my cue and just listen, play my position
Like a shortstop, pick up e'rything mami hittin

Or he could just solve his dilemma in the first verse. That works too. But usually when someone has a dilemma, they try to weigh the pros and cons of each outcome. Because a dilemma is defined as an especially hard problem to solve where both outcomes available have negative consequences, and therefore, might require a bit of thought put into the decision. Pfft, fuck that shit though! Nelly's already made his decision in the first verse! Why is this song called "Dilemma"? It should just be called, "I'm Nelly, So I Get What I Want, and Fuck Whoever I Have to Stomp On in Order to Make it Happen"! A little wordy, but it's a more apt title!

But that's not the only problem with this song. There's also Kelly Rowland, who I don't hate as a singer, but as a personality? Well, she has none. Essentially, her role in this song is to play the part of the lady whose ovaries just melt at the sight of hot, steamy Nelly. Listen to this chorus:

No matter what I do, all I think about is you
Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

You know, I'd actually like to hear this song with Beyoncé.

From "Irreplaceable": I can have another you in a minute,
Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

True, it doesn't really mesh well with Nelly's verses, but anything to knock him down a peg! This whole song plays out as an ego trip for how panty-meltingly gorgeous Nelly is, so much so that he's a homewrecker!

But... wait! THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE HIM THAT FLAW.

Cause I, I never been the type to, break up a happy home

See, Nelly doesn't get joy out of doing this. He wants to leave your family alone. But oh, you two-timing thirsty women won't let him be. He just has to take the bait!

Okay, I've solved my dilemma. This song is tedious, boring, and annoying. It plays out like a sappy love song, but this message is so muddled, and it wants to shape itself so badly to make Nelly look like the good guy in all respects. Well, I'm here to expose Nelly for what he really is...

Forty years old.

Yep, he just had his birthday last month. Time flies, people. Wow.