"Royalty"! Can I review that song? I need to prove to America that the vast majority of Canadian music isn't garbage!
*sigh*
This is "Move Like a Soldier" by Kristina Maria.
Kristina Maria is an artist whose personality I find repulsive, yet... white-bread boring as well. It takes a special kind of artist to do that, I'd say. Oh boy, let's dive in!
I’m going nuts here
Thinking how I could’ve been brave, not a quitter
Yes I can stop now, but I’m going to practice my aim in the mirror
Nothing objectionable here, I suppose. Could be a Hunger Games theme at this point, if the Hunger Games series recognized random Canadian artists. But I digress. Back to the song.
Tonight, I’m holding out till the morning
I’m holding out till the morning comes
And I can have your attention
Show you how I’m the only one
Perseverance is nice. So, you're going to be the only one to do what?
TO BREAK DOWN YOUR WALLS
HIJACK YOUR BRAIN
RUN THROUGH YOUR VEEEEINS
Aaaah! Jesus.
I’m going to move like a soldier (Awful trap voice: I’m going like a tank)
I’m going to move like a soldier (Awful trap voice: I’m go-going like a tank)
Stop! Stop! What the hell are you talking about?
Is this supposed to be, God forbid, romantic? Because let me tell you right now, it's not. And if I'm expected to sympathize with Kristina Maria here, well... let's just say that a girl threatening to break down your walls, hijack your brain, and run through your veins should probably be put into custody.
Seriously, "move like a soldier"? What kind of twisted imagery are we going for here? You act like you want to love this guy, but this doesn't sound like love! This sounds like war!
Instead of letting me down, I should be feeling you up
Instead of running away, I should be making you stay
Yes, well, treating a man's body like a battle ground is not the way to my heart. Or my hormones. I honestly can't tell is this is supposed to be a love song or a sex song, and either way it fails. Miserably. Kristina Maria's tone is so off. It just doesn't work. She talks about "holding on to the moon" and shit in her verses, but whatever mood she might set in the verses is completely, completely destroyed by her forceful, pounding chorus. It just hits you in the face like a stack of bricks. Ow.
At least when Miley Cyrus said "break your walls" in "Wrecking Ball", you could interpret it as wanting the guy to open up to her. This chorus just hammers violent imagery into you until you have no choice but to believe she is literally going to break down your walls. And the music doesn't help. It literally feels like my brain is being hijacked, and not in a good way... if there is a good way that my brain can be hijacked, and my veins could be run through, and my skin could be crawled through... ugh. This song is not only unpleasant, it's gross.
So, let's bring this back to Kristina Maria's personality as an artist, which is bitchy, catty, and overall unpleasant from what I've heard... yet also, boring. Just listen to this song:
"You don't have the right to cry"? Who the hell are you to dictate another person's feelings? Shut up.
This song isn't as bad, but Kristina's established personality makes it suck by association. Kristina sings about how "karma's gonna get" this guy, when I'm just waiting for karma to get her for being such a toxic person. Yet her music also sounds half-assed, rather than truly angry.
Kristina Maria speaks to a very angry, yet mellow, population, I suppose. But when her anger isn't misplaced, it's poorly thought out and reflects badly on her. She's pretty much the Cher Lloyd of Canada, if you will, only with less personality. What an awful artist. Canada, please stop buying this girl's music. It's not worth it. Hell, if you want to stay homegrown, choose Alanis Morissette. Now there's a woman who uses anger correctly. Rock on Alanis, and go away Kristina.
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