To the few ladies and gentlemen that have read my blog since October, I thank you for your support. But this... I just have no idea where to go with this.
I mean, it's just not music. There's nothing I can say except that. It's not music. It's an abomination. No, I'm out. I'm out. It was nice knowing you, Blogger community.
...
...
All right, let's do this.
This lovely Barbie doll goes by Iggy Azalea. She's had minor success in the US with singles like "Work" and "Bounce", but this is her first honest-to-goodness Billboard hit. It's called... "Fancy".
And that guest voice on the chorus is Charli XCX. You might know her from this:
Yes, it's the "I Love It" girl! So, that pretty much seals the deal, right? Because "I Love It" was terrible, right? Right?
...
Actually, I loved "I Love It".
I loved everything about "I Love It". It was the sluttiest, trashiest, and most brainless hit of 2013, and I mean none of those as pejoratives. I don't care, I love it.
But why do I love it? Why do I love this
I don't care
I love it
I don't care
and hate this?
I'm so fancy
You already know
They both guest Charli XCX and both seem equally vapid. Why do I prefer one over the other? How can I even tell them apart?
Well, it's very simple actually. You see, one of these songs has a soul. And believe it or not, it's the one about crashing cars into bridges.
I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
See? Right from the beginning, if the pounding beat didn't convince you already, this song conveys a hard-hitting, headstrong feeling. What does "Fancy" do?
Well, "Fancy" has an uninspired beat with an uninspired rapper.
First thing's first, I'm the realest
Drop this and let the whole world feel it
So, if you wanted to hear a white girl try to sound like Drake, well then... here you go.
I don't have a problem with the idea of white girls rapping... but every time I hear it, my skin crawls. Every time it happens, it sounds soulless. People might make jokes about how white girls should only rap about Starbucks, but you know what? I'd actually prefer that to this! Yes, please immerse me in the Starbucks culture. I'd rather have that than Iggy Azalea trying to give herself street cred.
Takin' all the liquor straight, never chase that
"Ooh, look at me. I don't mix my alcohol with anything. Do I get to make gang signs yet?"
Let's also take a look at what each song does with the guest vocalist. Charli XCX's style is mostly suited for heavy synths in her music; that's what she does. She also does a lot of fun electro songs. "I Love It" goes the ultra-smart route and does both. What does "Fancy" do?
Some boring beat and some ultra-cocky lyrics that don't match Charli at all.
I'm so fancy
You already know
I'm in the fast lane
From L.A. to Tokyo
This isn't fun. This isn't enjoyable. This is just bragging.
That's all this song is. It's bragging. And if you're going to brag about yourself, you'd better be talented. Charli XCX at least has an edge over Iggy Azalea in that regard.
Let's talk about her voice, first of all. It's like a parrot squawking at me. Charli's part may not be good, but it least it's a welcome change from WHO DAT WHO DAT. And her lyrics are just... weak.
Still stunned, how you love that
Got the whole world asking how I does that
Rhyming is hard! Good thing I can contort grammar to make it sort of rhyme.
And my flow retarded
Isn't there some kind of unwritten agreement worldwide that we would stop using that work unless we wanted to look like gigantic assholes?
She also talks about "haters" and can't touch this, and whatever. Like a gangsta MC Hammer?
Okay, I'm done. I can take brainlessness. But I can't take soullessness. If you're going to be stupid, at least have fun doing it.
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