"This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker" - Maroon 5

Okay, so usually the way the format of this blog works is that each Sunday, I review the most popular song on the Hot 100 that I have not yet already reviewed. By that notion, this week I should be reviewing "Bad Blood", Taylor Swift's latest single featuring Kendrick Lamar. But... people, there's a time and place for breaking tradition, and here it is.

This summer... is going to hurt... like a motherfucker.

Look, I've ragged on Maroon 5 in the past. They've gone from an interesting, style-diverse band to this cash-in audio sludge that only appeals to the masses who don't know any better. Maroon 5 have long overstayed their welcome on the pop charts, and they don't appear to be going away anytime soon. But even so... this song is even more terrible than I could have possibly imagined.

This summer's gonna hurt like a motherfucker

When I first heard this song, I paused it after these first five seconds. I stared at the wall and I thought, "Wow. Who. This is what Maroon 5 has become. A band that makes anthems for bro-douches." But hold on, it gets even better.

This summer's gonna hurt like a motherfucker...fucker

Okay, between animals-mals and motherfucker-fucker, I don't think Maroon 5 understand-stand that repeating-peating the last few syllables-bles of your line sounds stupid-upid. At least when they do it.

Literally not even ten seconds in and I'm already finding problems with this song left and right. Do you see why I had to forgo my usual format?

Her body's hot
Her body's like the summer

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6083697

You're ripping off Jeremih, Adam Levine. Jeremih. Think about that for a second. You just ripped off one of the biggest nobodies in pop music history. What does that make you?

I see her dancing on the street
Sipping champagne on the beach
It's so expensive when she eats

Adam Levine... go back to ripping off Jeremih. At least his lines sound like they came form an actual person.

So expensive when she eats... who talks like that? Who has ever said those words in order to someone? I can only assume that Adam Levine's transition from cyborg to robot is complete, and he has a hard time understanding how these human life forms communicate.

Cause she's so faaaancaaaay

But he still has an extensive knowledge of Iggy Azalea songs. Why anyone would want to transition into a robot like that can only by hypothesized.

Look, I'm about done talking about this. This is by far the worst thing Maroon 5 has ever done, and I'm glad I decided to talk about it before it goes away forever. Because there's no way people would make this the song of the summer, right? Right? God help me if so.