Am I missing some big joke here? This does not seem possible. How the hell does Derulo have another top 5 hit with one of his stupidest songs yet?!
...You know, there was one point where I thought Derulo was actually getting better.
Let me take you back briefly to 2013, around this time. Derulo had exactly one hit that year, with "The Other Side". And you know what? I kind of liked it. No, it wasn't a masterpiece or anything. This is still Jason Derulo we're talking about, after all. But... it was nice enough to listen to. I didn't necessarily want to turn it off.
Cue 2014, where Jason Derulo is at his absolute douchebaggiest, taking notes from Lil Wayne and Chris Brown alike. He's turned from "thoughtful" crooner into "bad boy" rebel in the flip of a hat. And the latter "persona", no matter how much I disliked Derulo before, is much, much worse.
You know what to do with that big fat butt
Sashay it to the other side of the room to avoid your lecherous comments?
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Oh, right. That was going to be my second guess.
Give Derulo some credit though: he does break new ground with pickup lines.
Hot damn it
Your booty like two planets
Of course, it's because no self-respecting pickup artist would ever USE that pickup line, but it's something. And in case you can't handle Derulo's innovative thinking (*smirk*), he also goes to the Well of Absolutely Overused, Worn-Out Pickup Lines. It's located somewhere in California, I think.
I got one question
How do you fit all that in them jeans?
I got one question: How do you fit this much failure into one song?
This song also has Snoop Dogg on it, which kind of solidifies that he's given up on street cred. Of course, the duet with Katy Perry might have done that already, but let's see how he further tarnishes his reputation:
Shake what your mama gave you
Misbehave you
I just wanna strip you, dip you, flip you, bubble bathe you
What they do
Taste my rain drops, OK boo
Now what you will and what you want and what you may do
Eh... this isn't that bad.
If there's one thing Derulo does smartly, it's giving us a break from Derulo, which is essential in a Derulo song. Snoop Dogg's verse isn't great, but he at least sounds like he knows what he's talking about compared to Derulo's coyote yelping.
And it wouldn't be a complete "Wiggle" review if I didn't point out this:
Go head, and go ham sammich
...Ham sammich? What, you want her to make you a sandwich? Or... what the hell is "ham sammich" referring to? Some kind of sex act? Whatever it is, it's put me off of ham sandwiches.
Great beat, by the way. I think I heard my sister play it on her recorder once.
This song fails so hard in so many different ways. It's Jason Derulo, but even I'm surprised at how much failure this song possesses. It's like Derulo isn't even trying anymore.
Here's the kicker: this song isn't even interestingly bad. Sure, there's a bad line here and there, but every time I hear it, it all just comes together in mediocre sludge. At least "Talk Dirty" had a pulse and was in your face about how terrible it was. This is just weaksauce garbage, and I'm giving it far too much thought already. Stop making this man a star. Please.
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