10. "Teardrop" - Mika (original by Massive Attack)
I love the original version of this song, but this... this is both watered-down and over-the-top at the same time. Mika completely misses the inflections in the singer's voice that makes this song great in the first place, and nothing ends up coming together. I don't know if he's trying to sound like Marilyn Monroe wishing JFK a happy birthday or what, but the Massive Attack version is by far better than this. Mika needs to make-a his own music.
9. "Dancing in the Street" - Mick Jagger and David Bowie (Martha and the Vandellas)
This one ranks relatively low because I'm not convinced that this version wasn't just some big in-joke between the two artists. Because Jesus Christ, is it bad. I mean that by the song and the video. If you need any proof that having "moves like Jagger" is nothing to be proud of, this video is it. I think that this ensemble pretty much sums up everything wrong with the 80's: cheesiness, especially the cheesiness of artists from the 60's and 70's trying to stay relevant in the 80's. Whenever you hear this song, the time is wrong for dancing in the street. Hey, that sort of rhymed.
8. "When a Man Loves a Woman" - Michael Bolton (Percy Sledge)
How do you screw up one of the most soulful songs of the 60's? Give it to honking crooner Michael Bolton. There is just something about this guy's voice that I cannot stand, and it definitely does not stack up to Percy Sledge's version. Sucks all the soul right out of it, like an evil vacuum cleaner. Michael Bolton is the evil vacuum cleaner of the music industry. There's an analogy for ya. Use it as often as you can when he comes up in conversation. Preserve my legacy.
7. "Just a Friend 2002" - Mario (Biz Markie)
This shouldn't even really count as a cover, but if Mario is not only going to use the chorus of Biz Markie's classic song, but use the damn title as well, then he deserves my wrath on this list. While Markie's version was about his girlfriend cheating on him, Mario's whiny take on the song details a "story" about how he's trapped in the friendzone. All that's missing from Mario's version is the fedora. I don't know whether Mario missed the point of the original song or he just didn't care, but regardless, it makes for a crappy remake of a classic song, and makes me hate the year 2002, and Mario.
6. "Strawberry Fields Forever" - Candy Flip (The Beatles)
I don't know what the hell this is, but it ain't The Beatles. And when you hear a Beatles song, you want The Beatles, not... this. The problem with this cover, I think, is that's it's too sickeningly perfect. This song translates perfectly into electronic music. But it's too manufactured. The Beatles' version seemed to come from a real, tangible place, not a recording studio. Also, I hate this guy's voice. It sounds like he's struggling to breathe with every note. And I'm struggling to listen to this watered-down piece of shit. Next!
5. "Faith" - Limp Bizkit (George Michael)
What is there to even say about this cover, or Limp Bizkit in general? This cover is stunning in how terrible it is, and so is the band. I don't know how seriously Fred Durst actually takes himself, but he sure knows how to butcher a catchy 80's song with... I don't even know what he's doing here, man. He's screamo, he's rock, and he's neither. He's an enigma wrapped in a shit sandwich. He embodies the very idea of Limp Bizkit, which sounds as terrible as their name. There's just nothing to say about Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit says enough about Limp Bizkit. YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE FAAAAAAIIIIIIITH!
Seriously though, fuck this band for ruining a perfectly good George Michael song. And a perfectly good Who song, too. God damn it, Limp. God damn it.
4. "The Boys of Summer" - The Ataris (Don Henley)
But if you need an ultimate reason to hate angsty white boys of the late 90's and early 2000's, look no further than The Ataris' version of Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer". The worst thing you can do with a cover song is act like you have no idea what the meaning is behind the original song, and that's definitely the vibe I get from this. I bet these guys heard the song and thought "Man, wouldn't it be great if it sounded more punk rock"? And thanks to this version of that song, we know that answer: N-O no. I prefer Don Henley over someone who sounds like he's choking on a screwdriver while singing. Regular or Phillips? How about both? The boys of summer are going to go and listen to the Don Henley version far before they consider this.
3. "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" - Marilyn Manson (Eurythmics)
Oh boy, Marilyn Manson. Many a Marilyn Manson cover could have gone here. There was his cover of "Tainted Love", his cover of "Personal Jesus". But this one offends me the most, as a song he just took and shat all over with his lack of subtlety and overall unpleasantness. I'm not really against Marilyn Manson's shtick as a whole, but it doesn't translate well to a damn Eurythmics song, much as he tries to make it happen. That's just it: he tries way too hard, and forgets to make it sound good. "Look at me, guys!" he says in the song and the video. "Look at me being provocative!" We can see you, Manson. We just don't care.
2. "My Generation" - Hilary Duff (The Who)
I left Kidz Bop off of this list entirely, because if I didn't, all the songs would just be Kidz Bop song. But if I had to allude to Kidz Bop without actually putting them on the list, I would have to bring up this absolutely wretched version of The Who's "My Generation", as performed by Disney's Sweetheart of the Early 2000s, Hilary Duff. It sounds exactly like a Kidz Bop version of a classic rock song. (Also, if that's actually a thing, please don't tell me. I'd prefer not to know.)
Not only is Hilary Duff not believable as some rebellious punk of the new generation that nobody understands, she actively tries to get away from the message of the song by changing the lyrics in the worst way possible: "Hope I die before I get old" changes to "Hope I DON'T die before I get old".
I'm honestly shocked that somebody thought that any of this was a good idea, or even a passable idea. Nothing about this works. Not a single ounce of respect for the original song was put into this piece of trash, Disneyfied shitsmear... but if I had to pick one cover artist that pisses me off more than this, this would be it:
1. Anything by the Glee cast
Okay, so I allude to Kidz Bop twice. The Glee cast is like the Kidz Bop cast grown up, except because they're grown up, they should know better. But no, they insist on sucking any joy, authentic emotion, and point out of any song they can get their grubby little hands on. They are so bad that any artist that rejects their song to be covered by the Glee cast ultimately doubles my respect for said artist. Lookin' at you, Dave Grohl. Keep on being awesome.
Every song cover I've heard from this awful show makes me want to stick a knife into my ear. This is the opposite of what music should be. There is nothing redeemable about this show (except Jane Lynch, because she's Jane Lynch), and I am so glad it's ending soon. Goodbye and good riddance to awful covers.
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